


I Won’t Give Up.

by cutenewt, yasha



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Artist!Steve, Barista!Steve, Bucky Barnes Feels, Coffee Shops, Deaf Clint Barton, Deaf Steve Rogers, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Lovers to Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mechanic!Bucky, Mentions of Panic Attacks, Modern!Skinny!Steve, Mutual Pining, Non-Serum Steve Rogers/Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes | Shrinkyclinks, POV Alternating, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Bucky Barnes, Recovery, Sad and Happy, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Slow Burn, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Temporary Break Up, WS!Bucky, War Vet!Bucky, War Veteran Bucky Barnes, sarge!Bucky, vegan Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-03-26 22:45:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 78,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13867581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cutenewt/pseuds/cutenewt, https://archiveofourown.org/users/yasha/pseuds/yasha
Summary: Steve Rogers loves Bucky. He loves him so much. And, that’s why he knows that he needs to leave him. It’s what James deserves — to have a better life without him, to find someone he doesn’t have to keep on worrying about. It’s just for the best.





	1. The One Where Bucky Looks After Steve.

_**Mid-November.** _  
_**3.30p.m.** _

Bucky turns the key in the lock of his apartment door, ensuring to tiptoe inside since the lights are off and the curtains still drawn. He hangs up his coat on the hook on the wall, and has to squint through the darkness to try and find his boyfriend. His eyes follow the entry hallway - the bathroom doors on his right, kitchen on his left - into the living room. Eventually, he spies a small pile of blankets on the couch. Sighing, James makes his way towards the curtains, and opens them.

Only a miniscule amount of light is let in once he’s completed this action, but it’s still enough for Steve to stir in his light slumber. “Bucky, ‘s that you?” A tiny voice scratches.

“Nope, it’s a home invader.” Bucky chuckles softly, walking towards the couch. “How’re you feelin’?” He pulls the blanket upwards, revealing Steve to be curled up underneath.

“Okay,” he sits up. “How was the uniform fitting?”

Bucky breaks into a grin. “Fits like a glove… rather fetchin’ too, if I do say so myself.”

Steve rolls his eyes. “You can show me later,” he offers.

“Maybe.” James muses quietly. He crouches down and presses the back of his hand to Steve’s forehead, only to be pushed away.

“I _told_ you, I’m feeling better.” He grumbles.

Bucky’s eyebrows raise a little. “You’re grumpy, and that means you’re lyin’.”

“Am not.” Steve huffs dramatically.

“Are too,” Barnes smirks.

He wraps his arms around his boyfriend’s torso, giving him no choice but to be pulled towards Bucky’s chest. “This is your fault,” Steve mumbles.

“Oh, yeah?” Bucky presses a kiss atop his head of tousled hair. “I don’t remember anythin’ of the sort.”

“You invited Becca and Lily-Anna over for dinner!”

“What? It’s not my fault that kids are evil, little germ carriers. Besides, how was I to know she’d get sick a few days later… and, then that you would too?”

Steve groans. “I guess you’re right,” he mumbles.

“I’m always right. We’ve been through this,” Bucky tries not to laugh.

A few moments of silence – if you don’t count Steve’s breathing, of course – pass them by. Until, Bucky breaks it.

“I’m gonna make you soup,” he announces.

“No,” Steve whines. “Don’t get up!”

Barnes carefully tugs Steve away from him, and stands up, leaving him on the couch. “I’m only goin’ to the kitchen, you dork.”

He starts walking, and can hear his boyfriend complain about his absence already. As soon as he’s getting a saucepan from the cupboard, Bucky hears Steve shuffle into the room with him.

“Get back over to that couch, and rest!”

“No.”

“Do it!”

“Make me,” Steve attempts at saying, but is interrupted by quite a few coughs.

Bucky rushes to his side immediately. “You okay?” He asks, his voice soft and laced with concern.

Nodding, Steve grabs his inhaler from his trouser pocket. A few seconds later, and he’s fine again. “Stop worryin’,” he mutters.

“Never,” Bucky says, sounding serious.

Rogers hops up onto the counter, so that he can watch his boyfriend cook. “Bucky?” He whispers.

“Yes, Steve?”

He stops. “Nevermind.”

Bucky frowns, pouring the soup into the pan and switching on the cooker. “You sure?”

Steve nods. “What’re you having for dinner?” He asks, but Bucky has a feeling that’s not what he wanted to say in the first instant.

“I’ll just have soup with you,”

Sighing heavily, Steve rubs his eyes. “Can we bake cakes tomorrow?” He asks, and Bucky laughs at the random request.

“Sure,” he shrugs. “I hafta fill in a couple more forms though.”

Steve looks a little uncomfortable with the subject, but hides it as he tries to think of another topic to talk about. “Did you buy more tea?” He decides on asking.

“I did.”

“I mean, not that I need it. I’m feeling quite better,” Rogers quickly adds.

Bucky doesn’t answer, he just continues to stir the soup for a while. He becomes quite lost in his thoughts… until Steve sneezes, and almost slips off the counter.

“You were sayin’, my love?” James’ mouth curves into yet another smirk, as he glances across at him.

Steve folds his arms tightly across his chest. “Shut up.”

“Soup’s done!” Bucky announces instead, pouring it between the two bowls he’d set out ready for them both.

The pair eat on the couch, in front of the TV. Bucky is sure that Steve almost falls asleep more than once, but he denies it each time he asks. Eventually, he does fall asleep against Bucky’s shoulder, but he doesn’t mind. He simply wraps his arm around him, and kisses the top of his head again.

▪️

**_10.30p.m._ **

Steve wakes up to find himself tucked up in bed, Bucky right beside him – snoring, even though he denies doing it. Sighing, Rogers carefully climbs out of bed. Bucky must’ve carried him there – he does this a lot.

His feet pad against the cool linoleum of the kitchen floor, and the sound of the tap gushing fills Steve’s ears. Well, ear, since he left his hearing aid on the nights stand. After having a drink, he sighs again. Admittedly, he feels slightly better than he did earlier… but, there’s something else that’s bothering him. And the truth is, that it has been for a long time now.

Bucky Barnes will ship off to Afghanistan in a matter of months now. Steve is more than happy for him, he really is. The guy has wanted to follow in his Dad’s military career footsteps for years – even back when Steve met him in high school. But, Steve knows the one thing that could get in his way of fulfilling this dream. And, that one thing is standing in the kitchen, tears tumbling and landing against his shirt on tiny droplets. He knows Bucky will worry about him something terrible, and it’s not like he can just come straight home to check he’s alright.

They’ve had this conversation before. Bucky casually mentioning that he’s scared to leave Steve alone. That made him feel a little weak, he’ll admit. But, Steve doesn’t care about being weak – he already knows that he is. He cares what that will do to Bucky.

Aside from this worry, there’s the undeniable terror of what might happen whilst he’s overseas. Steve has never dared mention this, because he knows how important this opportunity really is to Bucky. But, Steve is going to miss him so much and he isn’t sure if he can cope with this.

“Oh my God, Steve?!” An all too familiar yelp sounds from behind him, and that’s when he realises that he can’t breathe.

Bucky tears out of the room, and yanks the inhaler from the bedside table. He’s back next to Steve in seconds, curling his hand around the item so that he can use it. It takes Steve a moment to snap pint of whatever damn mess he’d just gotten himself into, but he soon uses his inhaler and starts taking deep breaths to calm himself down. He hadn’t realised he’d been sobbing at this point, he thought he was being quiet.

“Tell me what’s wrong, please.” Bucky hushes, swaying Steve gently from side to side in his arms.

His hands stay firmly by his side, gripping the inhaler so tight that his knuckles turn white. He wants to hug Bucky back… but, he can’t. “Noth – nothing,” is all Steve can manage.

It takes Barnes a full ten minutes to finally ease Steve’s crying, and another ten for him to stop the gasping for breath. They’re sat in the bedroom now, Bucky kneeling on the floor below Steve – who’s sat on the edge of the bed. The light shines across his flushed face, the tear stained cheeks being wiped by the tissue Bucky handed to him a while back.

“Will you talk to me now?”

Steve doesn't return the eye contact. Instead, he just shakes his head.

“Do you want to go back to sleep?”

“You’re patronising me –me again,” Steve gulps, his body shaking from a tiny sob.

Bucky’s eyes grow wide. “I – I’m sorry, baby.”

“Can we just go to bed?” His voice is so tiny, so timid, that Bucky can barely hear him.

Barnes nods, not wanting to upset Steve any further. He didn’t mean it, but sometimes he probably does start to care too much. But, patronising Steve is something he never wants to do. “Okay,” answers simply.

They both get back into bed, and Steve switches off the lamp. The silence is deafening as the pair of them lie there, only occasionally being broken apart by a sniff or two. Bucky seems to fall asleep first, at least, Steve thinks so when his breathing gets heavy.

“I love you… I always will.” He murmurs sleepily, more of a promise to himself, rather than a sentence meant for Bucky’s ears.

But, Bucky heard. And, he stayed awake for hours thinking about it.

▪️


	2. The One With The Letter.

_**1 week later.** _

“Steve!” Bucky yells from the bedroom. “Have you seen my navy blue sweater?!”

Steve looks up from the book he’s reading, his glasses slipping down the bridge of his nose slightly. He then glances down at his outfit, a smile appearing. “No, Buck!” He calls back.

It’s only nine in the morning, and Steve is thankful that he’s already been awake for an hour. Mainly because he’s feeling much better now, and can wake up without wanting to bury himself away again for ten more hours. Bucky is also pleased, because they can kiss again – Steve thinks that reason is extremely selfish.

Bucky marches out of the bedroom, only wearing his dark jeans that aren’t yet being held up by his belt. Steve bites down hard on his lower lip seeing the other man’s naked torso. He’s not bulk, but his six pack is sharp and the blonde has to curl his hands into fists to stop himself from following the hard lines with his fingers. “You little shit,” he smirks, eyeing Steve’s current comfy attire.

“Oh, did you say _navy_ blue? I thought you said crimson!” Rogers giggles.

Barnes can’t help but grin, because Steve’s happiness is overly contagious. He walks over to the couch, and snatches away his boyfriend's reading material. “Hey!” Steve jumps to his feet, standing atop of the couch cushions so that he can try to grab it back.

Before he can do so, Bucky ‘helpfully’ bookmarks it for him. He sets it down onto the coffee table, and turns around again. His arms take Steve by the waist, and Steve’s legs are now loosely wrapped around Bucky’s waistline. The blonde puts his hands around Bucky’s neck, enjoying the feeling of Bucky’s arms around him

“Now this is much better,” Barnes’ voice is close to a whisper, as he stares into Steve’s eyes. He looks at the other man’s lips, licking his simultaneously. Then, he leans closer, and presses a kiss to his boyfriend's mouth. It’s a soft, barely-there touch that doesn’t last nearly as long as Steve would like it to, as in a moment Bucky has put him down and is wandering back towards the bedroom.

Rogers huffs in annoyance, stomping after him. “Come back and finish that!” He calls, following Bucky and watching him pull a simply black sweater on instead.

“I just need to check the mail, Stevie. Stay here, ‘cause it’s cold.”

Steve narrows his eyes. “I can come with you if I want to!” He protests, pouting.

“Do you want to?”

“... no.” Steve all but mumbles.

“That’s what I thought,” Bucky chuckles. “I’ll be back in two minutes,” he informs, walking past Steve and kissing his cheek before exiting the room.

Instead of going back to his book, Steve flops down on the couch, waiting for Bucky to return. He draws his knees up to his chin and rest his head on them. When the front door opens again, Barnes is holding a rather official looking envelope, one that’s already half torn into.

Steve gulps. His heart sinks.

“I think it’s my shippin’ date! They said it’d come soon!” Bucky exclaims, tearing the rest of the letter open and taking the sheet of paper out carefully.

He stares at the words written before him, managing to use his foot to shut the door. “I ship two months from today,” Bucky breathes out a breath he hadn’t even realised that he’d been holding.

Steve can feel his chest tighten, and his eyes start to sting. “That’s –“ He takes a moment to recompose himself, hoping that Bucky didn’t notice the slight crack in his voice. “That’s sooner than you thought, Buck.”

“It is…” Bucky looks up from the letter, and across to his boyfriend sat on the couch. “That’s okay though, isn’t it?” He asks.

He nods a little too quickly. Steve doesn’t know what to say. He feels like a horrible boyfriend for not being excited. Bucky doesn’t know what to do. He feels like a horrible boyfriend for leaving Steve behind so soon… But Bucky can’t really do much about it even if he wanted to.

He comes up to Steve, sitting beside him on the couch.

“Hey…” He says softly, putting a hand on the blonde’s shoulder.

“It’s great, Buck.” Steve says quickly, then clears his throat. “I’m real happy for you.” He forces a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. He puts his hand on Bucky’s neck and kisses him, a quick peck on the lips. “Go get ‘em, soldier.” He breathes against the other man’s lips.

Bucky furrows his brows, but doesn’t say anything. He stands up, then kisses the blonde on his forehead, running a hand through his short hair. Steve continues reading, and Bucky goes into their bedroom to call his sister. They don’t see one another again for hours, too afraid of how on Earth to fill the silent air between them.


	3. The One Where I Never Thought I’d Lose You.

_**The next day.** _

Yesterday was going so well, until… well, until the mail. Steve just couldn’t bring himself to think about it for the rest of the day, so he’d made up a slight white lie and said he had to go and pick up some medication from the pharmacy. Instead, he had gone on an extremely long walk around the park close to their apartment complex. He’d sat on a bench, stared at the dreary looking skies around him, and thought. Steve thought about everything. He thought about his feelings, about Bucky’s feelings, and about one thing in particular. About their futures.

Since they’ve met, he knew there was something about Bucky, something different than anyone else. He’s been in a few relationships before, but there was always something lacking. Well, he always felt like he wasn’t enough, like the people he’s been with were expecting something from him. That’s not the case with Bucky, though. With him, Steve finally feels like he can be himself and that is enough. He doesn’t have to pretend, to act. He can be stubborn, angry, bossy, awkward and grumpy, and Bucky loves all of it. They’d hit it off instantly, and well, if he’s to be honest, he’s known from the start that the brunette is who he wants to spend his life with. Bucky’s smart, witty, and knows what he wants. He’s quick to pick up on Steve’s bullshit and he always challenges him. He’d do anything to make sure the blonde’s safe and taken care of. That’s why Steve’s battling with his thoughts now. He can’t risk Bucky’s chances at being a great soldier and he knows that will happen if he gets sick and ends up in hospital. He wants to live his life alongside Bucky but he’s not sure if the burden of him being, _well_ , himself is what the other guy needs right now.

And, that was what he needed to figure it out. To find resolve. So, that’s why he’s asked Bucky to come and sit down on the couch in front of him, and the reason why he’s already having to hold back the tears. The other man frowns at him, but Steve can’t meet his eyes. “Bu – James,” Bucky practically chokes on his own saliva at this point. But, he isn’t prepared for what comes next. Neither of them are – despite how long Steve spent lying awake, thinking about it last night.

“I don’t want to be with you anymore.”

“What?” Bucky doesn’t quite understand, his eyebrows shooting up at his hairline.

“We have to break up.” At this point, James Barnes laughs out loud. He laughs until tears appear within his ocean eyes, and until there isn’t much breath left inside of him… until he realises that Steve isn’t laughing too.

A dreadful feeling fills him up, as he looks Steve in the eye. “Steve, are you serious?” He whispers.

Knowing that he has to maintain eye contact for this, Rogers nods. “It’s what’s best.” The brunette’s eyes express all the surprise and hurt he’s feeling, and Steve swallows down hard.

Suddenly, Bucky has flown to his feet. He towers over Steve at the best of times – most people do – but, as he stands above him in this exact moment, Steve can’t help but feel intimidated by his height for once in his life.

“Bullshit!” Bucky snaps. “You – you love me! I know you do…” His voice lowers, and Steve is unsure whether it’s due to the look of terror he gave Bucky as he stumbled backwards and bumped into the coffee table, or if it’s because Barnes scared himself.

Steve has to physically stop himself from replying with the truth, as he bites down on his tongue. “I’m sorry –“

“Don’t you say that. Don’t you do this to me – to us!” Bucky cuts in, turning his back on Steve.

He stares at the floor, his mind flooded with too much information to even try to comprehend right now. “Is this because of the letter? ‘Cause, I already told ya I’d stay.” Bucky turns around again, and his heart drops when he sees that Steve has already begun to cry.

“No! This is for me, Bucky. It’s best, okay? You need to find someone… someone who loves you properly. You deserve the best, and –“ Steve can’t continue, partly because the crying has taken over… but, partly because Bucky is striding towards him and he doesn’t want him to come any closer.

Barnes reaches out for him, but Steve leaps backwards. “Don’t! I can’t be that for you anymore. I – I’m gonna go and pack for a motel.” Rogers informs, unable to bring himself to look into Bucky’s eyes any longer.

“No. You’re serious?” Bucky asks, his voice resigned, no longer at a high volume.

Steve nods.

“Then I’ll pack my things and be gone.” His tone is so cold, Steve physically shivers.

With that, Bucky steps around Steve, and walks into their bedroom. He doesn’t even close the door behind him whilst he’s packing, and when he returns with the suitcase in his hand, Steve doesn’t even look up.

“I deserve the best, do I?” Bucky scoffs. “That’s real rich, Steve. Real fucking rich.” He strides towards the front door, pulling it open so hard that the hinges creak under such force.

“You do,” Steve whispers. Bucky doesn’t hear him though, because he’s already stepping outside. He takes one last look at the apartment, and one last look at Steve. Then slams the door…

“And, that just isn’t me.”


	4. The One With The Questions.

It’s midnight when Becca hears a knock at her door. At first, she assumes it to be a twig blowing against the window outside, but the second time it happens a lot louder than before. She rushes to answer it, not wanting her daughter to wake up. When she pulls open the door, a gasp falls from her mouth at the sight behind it.

Standing there, soaked through from the rain and immersed in the smell of alcohol, is her big brother. “Oh, Bucky.” Becca whispers. “What happened to you?” That’s when she notices his suitcase.

Utterly confused as to what’s happening, she steps aside to let him in. But, he doesn’t enter the small room before the extending hallway behind them; Bucky sort of topples into her instead. Becca stumbles from his weight, but manages to steady herself just in time. She wraps one hand around him, and uses the other to close the door.

“Come on, let’s get you sobered up a little.” She says, trying to pull him into the bathroom.

He sits atop of the closed toilet whilst she fetches him a drink of water. Becca hands him the drink, and watches as his shaky hand brings it towards his mouth. “I hate him,” Bucky utters, before taking a gulp. “I never wanna see him ‘gain!” He slurs.

“See who?” Becca questions, genuinely confused towards his strange behaviour.

“Steve! ‘Course, it’s Steve!” He snaps, and his sister hushes him.

She frowns. “What did he do?” Her voice is quiet, like a silent command for him to do the same.

“He –“ Bucky’s bottom lip shakes. More tears spill over and trickle down his already tear stained cheeks (he honestly didn’t think it was possible to carry on crying tonight.) “He ended it. He dumped me,” James sobs, lurching forwards into Becca once again, so that she has no choice but to hug him.

Becca holds him tightly, ignoring the fact that he’s making her freezing cold from his rain-soaked clothes. She’s just overwhelmed by a sudden tidal wave of anger… because, why on earth would Steve break up with her brother? They were so in love, it was never questionable. Not to anyone.

“It’s okay, just breathe.” She says, her voice soothing. Rebecca holds her brother until he calms down just a little, and steadies himself enough to take another drink of water.

He looks as if he’s about to pass out from exhaustion, so Becca quickly suggests getting him a towel and some warm clothes to put on. Bucky barely manages a nod in agreement, before muttering something much too drunkenly to understand. Becca retrieves the items as quickly as she can, before assisting her brother with what he’s comfortable with, and then waiting for him outside the door after that.

Eventually, he staggers out again. “I wanna sleep,” Bucky mumbles, a few stray tears still managing to find their way to the surface, escaping down his cheeks again.

She nods. “C’mon, let me make up the spare room,” Becca offers. “I’ll only take a minute.”

Helping him down the hallway, Becca stops outside of the last door on the left. The bed is made already, but she just has to move a few storage boxes out of the way. Bucky is tucked underneath the duvet before she’s even finished making space for him to move around, and he doesn’t even hear her leave and then come back again with his suitcase.

“Oh, Steve… What _have_ you done?” She whispers, before switching off the light.

▪️

**_1.30p.m._ **

Becca grimaces outside of the bathroom door, hastily opening it to hand Bucky another towel. “You good?” She asks.

A prolonged groan answers her back, shortly followed by the sound of the toilet flushing. Eventually, a groggy voice speaks. “I’m fine,” Bucky growls.

“Right. Get in the shower, and put everything into the laundry basket once you’re done, okay? Then we’ll talk.” Becca instructs.

The door closing again is proof that he understands her, so she awaits for him in the spare bedroom. It doesn’t take too much longer for him to finish in the bathroom, and Bucky reappears wearing some of his own clothes this time.

“Right,” Becca begins. “You ready to talk about it?” She asks.

He shrugs, walking around to the other side of the double bed. Bucky climbs up, and takes a seat. “Not really,” he admits.

Rebecca also gets onto the bed properly, swivelling around to face him. “So… Steve really broke up with you?” She asks, easily noting the pain behind his fake smile.

“No, it was just a joke so I’d crash on your comfy bed” Bucky deadpans, but eventually nods.

“Why?”

“I… I dunno,” he answers, quietly.

“He didn’t tell you?”

“What do ya think?” Bucky raises his voice a little but quickly collects himself and shrugs again. “He said it was for himself, and that I deserve the best.” A tear lands upon the duvet.

“Well, that sort of contradicts itself,” Becca chuckles, trying to lighten the mood.

When no reply comes her way, the little sister opens her arms. Bucky shuffles forwards, silently accepting the hug.

He stays in the spare bedroom for the rest of the day, until Becca offers for him to pick Lily up from daycare with her. He asks again if she’s sure her husband doesn’t mind him crashing – and, once more Becca reassures him that it was his idea before she could even say he was staying.

The fresh air does him a little bit of good, but when Lily-Anna asks for “Uncle Steve,” Bucky’s mood drops in an instant.

“We won’t see him for a little while, honey.” Becca says quickly, not wanting Buck go get upset.

The child frowns sadly. “Is he okay?” She asks.

“He’s okay,” Barnes says quietly. “Don’t worry.”

This information seems to be enough for Lily to drop it, so they walk home talking about her new favourite song instead. Bucky can’t quite find himself joining in with this topic though. His mind keeps on replaying his conversation with Steve. He still can’t understand where it had come from. Sure, Steve has been acting a little off lately... but, a breakup being the reason hadn’t even crossed Bucky’s mind for one second. His boyfriend — ex boyfriend — was always a little bit moody when he was sick, but that wasn’t anything to worry about. Bucky loved that about him though, he always thought it made him more human.

See, to Bucky, Steve really is something else. Sure, the guy is 5’4”, ninety eight pounds soaking wet — but, he is a fighter. He always stands up to guys twice his size, and cares about people who couldn’t care less about him. He’s brave and always honest; he never backs down from a challenge. His medical history is longer than every book Bucky’s ever read, and yet he never gives up. If Bucky’s being honest, he knows he wouldn’t have the strength to get out of bed if he had half of Steve’s problems. But Rogers, he wakes up, swallows a handful, puts on his glasses, turns on his hearing aid and lives just like everyone else. That’s what Bucky loves most about him, what he admires. He feels like a better version of himself just being in Steve’s presence.

He has no idea what he’s gonna do now. He feels as if every positive aspect of his life disappeared along with Steve. Of course, he still has his family, Becca, his friends… But, Steve was his personal ray of sunshine and now he feels like he’s completely lost in the dark.


	5. The One With Regrets And Explanations.

_**3 weeks later.** _

Steve’s lying in bed and groans when the morning light hits his eyes. He forgot to pull down the blinds last night and now he’s paying the price. To his defense, it was usually Bucky who did that. Now Steve groans even louder. It’s been 3 weeks since he ended things with Bucky and he doesn’t feel any better. He’s still heartbroken and feels like shit about what he did to Bucky. Hurting the one you love is never easy, but Steve had to do it for Bucky’s sake. Sure, he is miserable and feels like he’ll never fall in love again but that’s okay; he did it so Bucky could be happy. Knowing that Buck would be overseas worrying about him instead on focusing on his missions would kill him, if whatever flu he’s gonna catch next wouldn’t. This is for the best, he reckons.

The throbbing pain in his head doesn’t make it any better though, same as the dull ache in his entire body. Steve lets out a breath, puts on his glasses, leaving the hearing aid behind, and stands up, going straight to the medicine cabinet. He knows he’s getting sick when he feels like that and he’ll do anything to stop this; he doesn’t need another week in bed, thank you very much. He’s spent the first week after their break up barely leaving his couch and his workload isn’t getting any smaller.

He quickly swallows the pills and uses the bathroom. Then he goes straight to his desk which is placed by the window ( _“Stevie, that’s the best place for your desk and you know it. Stop acting like a jerk you are and just admit I’m right for once,”_ Bucky said when they bought a new one. He still thinks about it every time he sits to work), and fires up his laptop. He puts on some music and goes to the kitchen. Nothing can wake him up like a freshly brewed black coffee, so he puts it on and stares out the window waiting for the cup to fill up. It’s a beautiful morning, he must admit, which makes him feel even worse. It’s the middle of December for crying out loud, it should be dark and cold. Snow lying on the streets of Brooklyn only reminds him that Christmas are just around the corner and for the first time in his life he’s gonna spend them all by himself. Before he met Bucky, he spent them with his Ma. Then after she died, Barnes family’s always invited him; he can’t count on it now. He could always ask Sam, but that sounds pathetic even to him. He made his bed, now he’s gotta sleep in it.

Steve takes the cup out of the pot and goes back to his desk. He checks his e-mails - another commission, how wonderful - and takes a long sip. He immediately hisses and sticks his tongue out – still hot, like always. Steve sighs and drags a hand down his face; he’ll never learn. He quickly reads the instructions from his current client and gets to work. After all, the graphics won’t do themselves.  
  
The sound of his phone makes Steve jump. He quickly answers it, taking off his glasses, and puts it to his left ear.

“H-hello?” his voice is barely above a whisper; he sounds hoarse and terrible even to his own ears. He checks the hour; it’s late in the afternoon so no wonder he sounds like crap.

“Steve? You okay?” the voice on the other end makes his heart stop. He quickly clears his throat and checks the caller ID; he’s pretty sure he’s dreaming.

“Becca? What… I mean, why…” he sighs. That’s not even Bucky and he already can’t finish a goddamn sentence.

“Am I calling? It’s been 3 weeks of radio silence Steve, believe it or not, I’m worried about you.” She sounds so sincere, Steve’s shoulders sag and he feels even smaller than he is.

“I’m sorry, I’ve been —“

“Enjoying your freedom, I believe?”

“What?! No, I’m…” Steve sighs. He loves Rebecca, he does, but he knows Bucky will always come first to her. He can really understand where she’s coming from. “Look, it’s no really a phone call conversation. Can we meet? Can you stand to look at me?” Steve can’t say he’d be surprised if she told him no. That’s what he would do.

“I don’t know Steve.” She doesn’t sound angry, just… Disappointed and resigned. That hurts Steve even more.

“Please? Thirty minutes tops, I promise. I just… I know you probably hate me and you have every right to, I’m… Please Becca, just thirty minutes, ’s all I ask.” He places his head in his hand and lets out a deep breath. He feels like an asshole for asking her to meet him, but he really needs to explain himself to her. Bucky can hate him, that’d be even better, but he can’t afford to lose Rebecca; she was always like a sister to him.

“Fine. Thirty minutes is all you got Steve, you better use it well.”

“Thank you, I… Thank you. Text me time and place and I’ll be there.” He feels a faint smile creeping on his face. Maybe, just maybe…

“You better, Steve.”

“Becks, wait!” Steve sits straight and feels his heart in his throat. He has to do this, he has to ask. “How — Is he okay?”

“Really, Rogers?” A shiver goes down his spine. Her voice is ice cold but he could’ve expect just that. Becca sighs. “He’s a tough one.”

With that, she ends the call.

Steve stares at his phone. He’s been working for good ten hours and it finally dawns on him. His head is killing him, as well as his back feeling rather stiff. Plus, he can can now feel the itchiness in his throat and the dull ache in his wrist from drawing too long.

He puts his glasses back on and goes to the kitchen, only to find that his fridge is empty. Sighing from the frustration, Steve leans against the kitchen island and puts his head in his hands. He can’t afford to have another breakdown, not now. Blinking back the tears in his eyes, he decides to order takeout and try to distract himself from other things. So, Steve wanders back to the living room, and takes his phone from his desk, throwing himself on the couch. Bucky always laughed at the way he bounces back on the cushions and — no, no, no, Steve can’t think about that right now.

Rogers orders a vegetarian pizza without cheese (his allergies are going to be the death of him one day, honestly,) and closes his eyes. The sound of the intercom startles him a little while later. Steve jumps on his feet and rubs his eyes, groaning slightly. He quickly jogs towards the door and lets the delivery guy in, then goes back to the living room to retrieve his wallet. He grabs his phone too, but before he can check for any new messages there’s another knock at the door. Steve goes to the hallway, his eyes lingering on that one particular hook on the wall that Bucky always used. He swears inwardly, opens the door and pays for his pizza, leaving a big tip for all the trouble.

Then he slowly makes his way back towards the couch, not bothering to grab a plate, eating his pizza straight from the box instead. Steve loses his appetite after just two pieces though, so he simply tosses the box onto the coffee table. He turns on the TV, because he can’t stand the silence, and settles on having a solitary “Friends” marathon. Bucky loved that show; he always said Monica made him question his sexuality… no, of course he isn’t thinking about Bucky. Not again.

Steve sighs heavily, as he grabs his phone and reads a message from Becca; **_That coffee place where we met, tomorrow, 3pm_**. He sends her a simple **_‘I’ll be there.’_** back, and throws his phone onto the other side of the couch.Covering himself with a blanket, he continues to watch “Friends”, until he eventually dozes off.

▪️

Steve wakes up and notices three things; he seems to have slept the entire night on the couch, his back is killing him because of it… and, he’s definitely sick. He tries to sit up, but the pain in his head stops him in his tracks. He groans loudly, sinking even further in the couch. He remembers his plans to meet Becca today, and just hopes it’s early enough for him to try and prepare.

He spends an hour laying on the couch, but when the pain doesn’t subside even a little, he swears inwardly and sits up again, much slower this time. Steve feels terrible, so he knows he must look like it to. His entire body is in pain, and he can practically feel every muscle. Upon getting up to his feet, Steve begins to cough. Great, that’s all he needs. He pads down to the window, and feels even worse – it’s literally downpour. He can’t go out in this kind of weather, not if he doesn’t want to end up in a hospital with pneumonia, anyway. Steve rubs his eyes, making a mental note to find his glasses that he’d left somewhere near the couch, and then goes over to the bathroom.

Whilst in the bathroom, he takes a scalding shower, relieves himself and swallows down a handful of pills. He puts on a pair of sweatpants and a grey, thick sweatshirt, then heads back in the living room, and flops down against the couch again. Steve finds his glasses on the floor, and his phone under one of the cushions, then quickly taps out a message to Becca; **_‘Becks, I’m sorry, I can’t be there today. I’m sick and well, in this weather, you know. You can drop by or we can meet sometime next week? Sorry.’_**

He takes a tissue from the box on the coffee table and blows his nose. It seems pretty certain he’s got a fever too, and he can feel himself beginning to shiver. Steve curls himself up on the couch, and stares at the blank TV in front of him. He just feels terrible — physically and mentally. He can feel a breakdown creeping up on him, and he’s only awake for two hours. Not the best start to the day.

Soon, his phone screens lights up again, and he quickly grabs it to read the message. Becca has agreed to stop by around 3pm, which gives him exactly 3 hours to decide what he wants to say to her. He knows he can’t just run with it, not if he doesn’t want to break down crying after just one sentence. Steve decides it best to write all of his thoughts down, and just read it to her. That way, he won’t have to see the look on her face when he tells her how weak he really is. He stands up, and goes over to his desk. He fires up his laptop, and walks back down to the kitchen, in order to make himself a cup of tea.

Steve knows that three hours is a long time, but he wants to be prepared, just in case that’s the last time he’ll ever get to see Rebecca Barnes. He feels a lump in his throat even thinking about it. They’ve know each other for over eight years now, and she’s always felt like a sister to him. He still remembers the day they’ve met, he’s been still working up the courage to tell Bucky how he feels about him, both of them freshmen during that time. They’ve been together since then, all the way through college, Steve doing graphic designs and Bucky in engineering. They graduated this summer, and that’s why the brunette’s decided to join the army, before he lands his first real job.

Steve takes the steaming cup in his hands, and goes back over to his desk. He sits down in the chair, and pulls out a notebook from one of the drawers. His eyes linger on the red sketchbook that Buck had given to him at the beginning of November. He was supposed to use it to send Bucky his sketches when he goes overseas. The lump in his throat begins to grow even bigger, and he quickly closes the drawer with a loud bang. He opens his notebook, and starts to write.

Almost three hours and fifteen crumpled pages later, Steve hears a knock on his door. He blinks heavily, and rubs his eyes before standing up and tossing all of the useless pages and tissues into the trash. He quickly fixes his mussed up hair, wraps himself in a blanket and goes to the door. He opens the door, trying not to dwell on the fact that he’s absolutely terrified to face Bucky’s sister... but, before he can even say anything, he ends up heading right into a coughing fit, and then sneezes.

The way Becca looks at him tells him pretty much everything that he needs to know about his appearance. He just opens the door wide and stands aside to let her in. She quickly takes off her hat, coat and shoes and then looks at him again. “Steve, how are you—“

  
“I’m fine, it’s just a cold.” He shrugs, but sneezes yet again, which only proves how _not_ fine he is.

“Steve…” She reaches out towards him, and for a second, he just wants to hug her and fall apart. He know he can’t do it though, not with the limited time they have, so he leans back, and indicates his right ear to let her now he doesn’t have his hearing aid on.

“Let’s sit down Becks, I don’t wanna take up too much of your time.” He closes the door behind her, then goes to put in his hearing aid. He comes back to the living room and goes straight over to the couch. Becca follows him, but hangs her coat on a peg first. On Bucky’s peg.

“I brought you some soup, and there’s no take backs on it.” The woman raises her hand, the second she sees that he wants to refuse, and the corner of her mouth goes up slightly. Steve counts it as a small victory. “You’re sick, okay? I’m not some heartless monster and I’m gonna make sure you eat this. Knowing you, you haven’t eaten all day long.”

Steve just shrugs, because… what can he say? She knows him, just like Bucky, and this just makes him feel worse. “I wrote down some things,” Steve whispers, taking his notebook from the coffee table, coughing again. He can do this, he’s prepared. She gives him a questioning look, but Steve just nods as a silent ‘I’m ready.’

“Becca… “ Steve clears his throat, since his voice is so hoarse. “Becca, I dunno what Bucky told you. I know he hates me, and I really don’t blame him. I know you’re probably not fond of me now either, but I really appreciate you wantin’ to meet me. You’ve always been like a sister to me, and Bucky—“ his voice breaks, and he has to take a deep breath. He clears his throat again, and swallows audibly. “I did this, because it’s just for the best… Bucky deserves to have a life, and to be with someone he can have the time of his life with. I — I love him. I knew it from the moment I saw him during our first period, and when he stepped up to those guys, twice the size of him…” he trails off, his voice breaking yet again.

Steve has to blink back a few tears. He’s gripping his notebook so hard, that his knuckles are rapidly turning white. “He’s it for me. But, he’s leaving soon and I can’t let him spend all of his time thinkin’ — worryin’ — about me.” A small sob escapes his throat, and Steve bites down on his lower lip to keep it from trembling. His voice is barely a whisper now. “I can’t do this, not to him. You know how he gets. He’ll be fightin’ there but keep wonderin’ if I’m okay. I’d be a distraction to him, a burden. He deserves someone else, so he can live his life to the full. Y’know? I love him so much, Becca. Please, you gotta understand why —“ Steve’s full on sobbing by this point.

His voice is too hoarse to continue, and his head feels like someone has been playing is like a drum, and he simply cannot bring himself to look at Becca, in order to gauge her reaction. “I couldn’t live with myself if somethin’ happened to him because of me. I kept thinkin’, what if I’m down with pneumonia, or some other disease only I can get… and Bucky keeps worryin’ about me, instead of focusin’ on the mission? If he got hurt out there, I’d —“ A sob gets caught in his throat, so he stops to catch his breath.

“I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I know how selfish that sounds… But, I swear this was for him. I broke his heart, I know that, and I’ll live with that for the rest of my life. But, breakin’ up with him now, rather than right before he leaves… I just hoped he’d have more time to forget about me. Y’know?”

“And, if that all means that he’ll survive out there, maybe he’ll meet someone — someone who’ll really get him, and help him recover… Someone with shared experience. Someone who won’t be on their deathbed every winter, someone who’ll take care of him instead of the other way around, someone with whom he’ll get to live his best life… That’s all I want for him, Becca. It’s what he truly deserves.” Steve finales, and closes up his notebook, taking off his glasses. “That’s all I’ll ever want for him.”

By now, Steve stops trying to hold back and he has to fully break down. It all comes tumbling down on him at once… the fact that he let the greatest man he’s ever known go storming out of the door, the fact that he’ll never see him again, and now, the fact that he’ll probably never see Becca again either. Being in this ill state only renders him weaker, and he can’t hold back anymore. He hides his face in his hands, and cries. He feels Becca enveloping him in her arms, and that just makes him cry harder. All of the build-up, all of his emotions flood out of him at once, and he hasn’t really cried like this, since the year that he lost his Ma.

Becca keeps her arms tight around Steve and gently rocks him from side to side. He can’t tell if the tears he feels on his shoulder are his or hers, and frankly, he doesn’t care. He can finally let it all go without worrying about getting an asthma attack and crying himself to death. Which, to be honest, wouldn’t be that surprising. He tightens his hands on Becca’s sweater and lets it all go.

Steve’s been crying for God knows how long. He feels exhausted and can tell his lungs struggle to take another breath. He pulls back a little and his eyes search for his inhaler. Becca immediately knows what he needs and quickly takes his medicine from atop the coffee table, and gives it to him. He sends her the most grateful smile he can muster right now, which is probably as terrible as he feels, and takes two puffs from inhaler. Steve tries to take a deep breath but deep sobs still escape his throat. He leans back and rests his head on the back of the couch. Becca looks at him carefully and he looks back, only now realizing she’s been crying too; her eyes are red and puffy and she keeps taking deep breaths. She rests her hand on his knee and gently squeezes.

“Thank you, Steve.” She sends him a weak smile, wiping her eyes before reaching over to give him a tissue.

“For what? Breakin’ your big brother’s heart… or dumpin’ all my problems on ya?” He blows his nose, and throws the tissue to the trash can near his desk. He misses, of course.

“For trusting me enough to open up.”

She leans back too, and snuggles under his blanket. Steve rest his head on her shoulder and starts fidgeting with his fingers.   
  
“You deserve to know the truth —“ he can’t finish, due to another coughing fit, and he groans loudly.

“And Bucky doesn’t?” her voice sounds small, but she could be screaming as far as Steve’s concerned. It hurts all the same.

“He deserves to be happy, Becca. He—” Steve sneezes, and blows his nose again. His voice is barely audible and clearing his throat doesn’t help anymore. “He deserves what’s best for him, and that’s not me.”

Steve starts sobbing again so he hides his face in Becca’s shoulder. She gently strokes his hair and hums.

“Don’t you think it’s for him to decide?”

“Tell me I’m wrong, Beccs.” Steve shifts his head and looks at her. “Look me in the eye and tell me I’m wrong.”

Steve’s eyes are red and puffy, his voice is all but a scratchy whisper and he feels like a tank just rolled over him, but it’s the silence that hurts him most. Becca just looks down and sighs.

“What do you need, Steve?” She keeps stroking his hair, and the action all but makes him miss Bucky even more.

“Stay?” He asks, but has to mouth, because his voice is long gone, and with that he surprises even himself. He wants to backtrack when her hand stills, but she beats Steve to it.

“Okay.”

He looks up at her, hoping his eyes express everything he wants to say.

“You’re a mess, Steven. You’re sick and heartbroken, you even managed to lose your voice. I’m not gonna leave you to suffer alone, at least not now.” A small smile appears on her face, and she hugs him tightly. “I’m gonna warm up that soup now, and then you have to sleep. And if you don’t go to a doctor tomorrow, I swear to God, Steve…”

Becca gives him a look which tells him everything he needs to know, and he makes a mental note to make an appointment later on. Steve quickly nods, and lies back down, while Becca stands up, grabs the container lying on the coffee table and goes to the kitchen. He inhales deeply and tries to blink back the tears that are still flowing down his face.

When she returns with the soup in a bowl now, Steve is fast asleep. She sighs, shaking her head. The sky outside is growing dark, so Becca draws the curtains. She sits beside him the whole while he sleeps, until an hour later when his eyes open again. It’s almost night by this time, and Becca is growing tired herself.

“You stayed,” he whispers.

“Yes,” she begins. “I promised. But, tomorrow I will have to walk out that door as your ex-boyfriend’s sister… you know that, right, Steve?” Becca says, failing at hiding the hurt in her voice.

Steve nods, too sleepy to fully understand the cruelty that her words would have caused him if fully awake. “Is he… is he okay?” He whispers, the question clearly taking Becca by surprise.

“He’s coping.”

And, that is the truth. Becca doesn’t want Bucky to know she was here for his own good. For the first time in weeks he’s started to sleep through the night without waking up calling Steve’s name, or crying to himself quietly in the spare room. If Bucky knew about this, they’d go right back to square one again. It’s a messed up situation, but what’s done is done.

Rogers closes his eyes. Bucky’s coping, so he must be okay… this was the right thing to do. James can be happy now. And, free from Steve and all of his burdens. Finally.

▪️

**_The next morning._ **

Steve wakes up in his own bed, light streaming through the closed curtains. He assumes that Becca is gone by now, and this is confirmed by the small sticky note stuck to the bedside table, reminding him to go to the Doctor. He sighs, getting up and heading into the bathroom to shower.

His morning routine takes double the time, but he’s eventually dressed in jeans and a light blue sweater, ready to brave the walk to the nearby clinic. Steve wraps a scarf around his neck, and steps outside of the front door. He locks up the apartment, and begins a slow walk out of the building and into the sidewalk. It takes him just over half an hour to get there, and he’s panting a little more than he should be, really.

Upon his arrival, Steve signs himself in on the little computer screen in reception. He takes a seat — his face hidden behind the scarf, hands stuff inside of his pockets — and, waits for his name to be called. Whilst waiting, Steve realises something… that there’s something missing. Someone missing. _“Bucky,”_ he whispers.

“Did you say something, dear?” An old woman sat a few chairs away asks.

Steve shakes his head. He’s too occupied with missing Bucky’s hand to hold — it’s the little things. Thankfully, the Doctor calls out his name just a few moments later. He gets up a little too fast, a wave of dizziness washing over him. Following the Doctor into the room, he sits down opposite him.

The man shuffled some papers on his desk, and looks up at Steve. “Where’s… what’s his name?” The males begins. “James?” He remembers.

Steve swallows hard. “Home,” he mutters, unsure of what to say that won’t make him cry again.

The Doctor clearly doesn’t notice his significant shift in demeanour, and continues on. “Hope he isn’t sick too,” he chuckles. “So —“ he stops, noticing Steve’s bottom lip begin to tremble ever so slightly.

“What brings you here today, Steven?” He asks, dropping the topic of a Bucky all together.


	6. The One Where Bucky Ships Off.

Bucky sighs, staring out of the car window. It’s the ass crack of a dawn, but he’s wide awake. He’s finally following in his Dad’s footsteps, and is shipping out to fight the good fight this morning. He’s been wanting to do that since he first saw his father’s uniform. George served for 8 years, ending his military career when Becca was born. He never pressured Bucky to follow his career; in fact he had never mentioned it at all. It was Bucky who had started asking questions about the US military, and the fight they were in.

His dad never discouraged him though - he was always supportive. Bucky knew his Mother wasn’t all that happy about it. After all, she spent almost 10 years of her life worrying if she’ll ever see her husband again. Bucky hated knowing that she will worry about him too, but this is something he made up his mind about a long time ago — serving, following orders — that was something he has always wanted to do.

In Bucky’s mind, soldiers are the brave ones, the ones he looks up to. He’s never considered himself much of a fighter — that was Steve. He can’t count on one hand the amount of times when Steve had stood up to someone, because he believed that was the right thing to do. Now, don’t get him wrong, he doesn’t like bullying himself, and is always furious when he sees it happening… but, Buck has never been one to go looking for a fight.

Joining the military is different though; he wants to contribute to the society, he wants to help people who are being oppressed — and, if fighting this war is the way to do it, then so be it. He knows that he’s strong enough to do this. Being with Steve made him realize that he’s brave enough, too.

If only Steve could be with him now, he’d be so proud. He’d say something cheesy and hug Bucky like there was no tomorrow. He’d probably be sad too, but not because Bucky’s going to war; no, Steve’d be sad because he can’t go too.

William parks in a space, and the family get out of the vehicle. Becca carries Lily, and Buck grabs his luggage from the trunk. “This is it,” he mumbles to himself.

They walk along the dockyard, following the crowds of fellow families that are here to see their husbands, wives, brothers, daughters, sons and sisters off too. Bucky wishes his parents were with him as well, but he couldn’t ask. He knows that Winifred is struggling with the fact her only son chose to go to war and he can’t blame her. She’s lived in fear for a long time, but this is something he has to do and she never tried to persuade him not to.

“You alright?” Becca whispers.

He nods. “I am.”

The family reach the ship after a few more minutes, and then Bucky turns to his little sister. He digs inside of his pocket, and draws out his wallet. After this, he opens it up, and takes out a tiny, slightly crumpled picture. “I want you to look after it…” A fond smile appears on his face as he looks down on Steve wearing one of his old sweaters, at least two sizes to big for him, sitting on a couch and drawing in his sketchbook. “And, if anythin’ ever happens. Tell Steve I’ll always love him.” He keeps his voice low, avoiding eye contact at all costs.

“Bucky…” Becca doesn’t move and the tone of her voice says everything she isn’t vocalizing.

“I know Becks, it’s been two months,” he sighs and drags a hand down his face. He’s really not in the mood, not right now — not when he’s saying goodbye to the love of his life. “I’m not an idiot, okay? I’m leavin’ you all here, it’s only right if I leave him too.” He dares to look up and sees tears glistening in his sister’s eyes.

Becca goes to take it, but her daughter does instead. “I want to look after it for you, Uncle Bucky.”

He frowns. “Why, honey?”

“So that I can look after Uncle Steve for you!” she exclaims like it’s the most obvious thing and Bucky smiles a little.

“Thank you,” he says genuinely.

The kid opens her arms, reaching out to hug him. Bucky hugs her back, and then does the same with his sister. William stands with Lily, until James has finished talking to Becca. They shake hands, keeping a brave face, and then Bucky picks up his suitcase.

“See you soon… okay?” He says to them, before turning around to walk up the ramp that will get him aboard the ship.

Bucky stops one last time when he almost reaches the top, turning again to take one last look. He sees Becca fiddling with her phone so he saluts, hoping she took a picture to show their parents. He waves at his loving family, and then boards the ship without looking back anymore.

The second he’s out of sight, William walks back to the car with Lily. Becca has to drag behind, unable to halt her tears from falling any longer. She didn’t want to cry in front of Bucky, nor her daughter, so she takes herself aside for a few moments before getting back into the car. She pulls out her phone and checks her camera roll; a small smile appears on her face. Bucky realized what she was doing and the photo turned out good. He’s not exactly smiling but you can see the excitement radiating from him. Becca’s real happy for him, of course she is, she just wishes his service didn’t involve the threat of death. She shakes her head slightly to get rid of the negative thoughts and sends the photo to her Mom. She goes to hide her phone, but immediately stills. As an afterthought, she sends the picture to Steve too.

▪️

At this exact moment, Steve is sat in the hospital waiting room. He has a routine checkup at the respiratory clinic, which he can’t cancel again. And, he is fully aware of what day it is… Bucky’s shipping day. Steve can’t help but wish he was there to wave him off, wish him luck and hug him like he never wants to let go, and —

“Steven Rogers, please.” A nurse calls his name, and he jumps from the fright.

He gets to his feet, playing if off and pretending he hadn’t just been so caught up in his thoughts surrounding Bucky, that the nurse had scared him. Steve follows her to the consulting room, but just before he enters he feels his phone buzzing in the pocket of his jeans. He ignores it though, and meets inside with his Doctor.

“Nobody with you today?” The woman asks.

Steve gulps.

“Not today.” He says in a small voice.

Not tomorrow. Not next month. Not _ever_.

▪️

Steve leaves the hospital feeling slightly worse than when he came. This isn’t a surprise though; his doctor said the full results will be there within a week, but for now, there’s no changes. His asthma hasn’t worsened, but it hasn’t improved either, and his allergies are still there. The only thing he wants do do now is lie down and spend the entire day moping. He knows he can't, and that makes him feel even more downhearted.

He goes straight to the subway and catches a train back home. Rogers sits at the furthest end of the car and tunes out, focusing on an advert promoting some new movie. Steve’s never heard of it, but the poster is beautifully made, so he makes a mental note to check it out sometime soon.

The train soon halts at his stop, so he and makes his way out of the station. There’s still 3 blocks to walk, so he turns right and slowly walks down the street. It’s cold, but at least there’s no snow — Steve counts that as a plus. He walks past his local comic book store, and stops in front of the art one. He’s in need of a new sketchbook... since he won’t — can’t — use the one that Bucky gave him. He goes inside, and smiles when he sees Peggy behind the counter. They met in high school, Peggy being the exchange student from England, and have stayed friends ever since. She always encouraged him to pursue a career in graphic designs — she knew that was something he had really wanted to do.

“Steve!” She exclaims happily, and walks around the counter to hug him. He hugs her back, and laughs quietly at her surprised expression. “Haven’t seen you in a while. Everything alright?”

She keeps her hand on his shoulder, and squeezes gently. She’s right... he hasn’t been there since he broke up with Bucky. They’d always come here together on Saturday mornings, since that was their little routine that they had both loved and enjoyed.

“I’m good, Peggs.” Steve sends her a little smile, and then shrugs. “I’m sorry it’s been so long.”

“Don’t worry, I’m happy to see you!” She leads him into the shop, tilting her head in the direction of sketchbooks. He nods, and follows. “Where’s Bucky?”

Right to the point. Steve feels his heart sink… she still has no idea. “He, umm…” Steve trails off, taking one of the sketchbooks in his hands. It’s a good one, not too big, black with a silver strap.

“He hasn’t left yet, has he?” Peggy furrows her brows when she sees how shifty Steve’s eyes are. “Steve?”

He clears his throat, and looks everywhere but in her direction.

“Steven?” Her voice is stern, as she puts her hand over the top of the book he’s holding.

“We, umm… “ He takes a deep breath and looks down. “We kind of… Ahh, we broke up.” Steve all but mumbles, still not meeting her gaze.

“Oh, darling!” The woman covers her mouth with her hand, and looks at him in disbelief. “What happened?”

“He got his orders.” Steve still can’t look at her. He feels ashamed for not telling Peggy sooner, but he also knows how she will likely react when she finds out the truth. So, he conveniently choses to come clean at a later date instead. He wants to tell her, of course he does, but maybe not right now… not in her store, where anyone could walk in and need Peggy’s help.

“When?” Her voice is filled with something Steve can’t really place. Sadness? Compassion? He doesn’t know, but he’s willing to say both.

“Today. He left today,” Rogers whispers, his voice cracking. He lets himself be hugged again.

▪️

Steve kicks the door shut behind him, and takes off his coat, hat and scarf. He tugs off his shoes, leaving them scattered on the floor. He literally cannot care less right now. He’s been down since he woke up, and his check-up, and later meeting with Peggy only made him feel more upset. Steve knows that he has no right to mope — he is the only one to blame for this situation. But, it doesn't change the fact that Bucky is most likely on his way to Afghanistan, and Steve didn’t even say goodbye. He let him go without a word, and if anything happens, he’ll never forgive himself for how things had ended. Bucky left the apartment angry, and he had every right to do that. Steve just wishes he had had the courage to call Buck, or even text him. Just do something, as opposed to being silent.

He goes straight over to the living room and flops down on the couch. Steve doesn’t bother turning the TV on, and instead he just drags his knees up to his chin, and rests his head on the cushions. He closes his eyes, but his mind provides him with images of Bucky storming off out the doors. Steve groans, and pulls his phone out the pocket of his jeans. He may as well check his email, and see if he has any new commissions. He startles when he sees a new message from Becca. His hands shake a little when he enters the code, and unlocks his phone.

It’s a photo. Bucky in his uniform, standing on a ship, one hand on his suitcase, the other one by his forehead, saluting. Steve swallows loudly, feeling the lump in his throat. He blinks back the tears but can already feel a couple against his cheeks. Bucky has already shipped off, and Steve never even said goodbye.


	7. The One In The Future.

_**Two years later…** _

Rebecca Barnes is sitting on a plastic chair in the arrivals hall. She’s fidgeting nervously, and checking the arrivals board practically every thurry seconds. According to the letters on the screen, the plane Bucky’s on has already landed, which only makes the waiting time worse. She could try to call him, but there’s not much sense in that — he’d just laugh at her and tell her he’ll be right with her. She stands up, and starts wandering around the hall.

After what feels like eternity, the doors finally open and the first group of soldiers come out. She nervously shifts her weight, and adjusts her bag against her shoulder. It seems like hundreds of soldiers are piling out of the arrival gate, before she finally spies Bucky. She can feel her heart in her throat as she settles eyes upon her big brother, and starts dramatically waving at him.

“Bucky!” He doesn’t hear her, so Becca runs closer to the barrier, and decides to give it her all. “Bucky! Bucky, over here!”

He finally spots her, and all but runs towards the exit gate. When he’s finally close enough she sprints around the barrier, and hurries over to him.

“Becks!” He drops his duffel bag, taking his sister into his arms and spins her around. “God, Becca, I’ve missed you so much!” They stay inside of the hug for a while, overwhelmed with emotions. She’s the first to pull away, giving Bucky a long once-over.

“Jesus, you look huge! What are they feeding you with?” She shakes her head, and puts her hand on his arm. “Seriously Bucky, what the hell?”

“Hey, I’m an active soldier, what do ya think?’ He smirks, and pulls her into a bear hug yet again. “I’ve missed you Becks, did I tell ya that?”

“Guess those muscles took away some of your brain cells, huh?” Becca laughs, has he puts an his arm around her shoulders, and sticks out his tongue.

“So, I look good, you said?” He breaks into a grin when he sees how hard Becca rolls her eyes.

“Don’t push it… or you’ll have no place to stay,” she warns, as they start to walk towards the exit, Bucky’s arm still around her shoulders.

“You’d throw a U.S. soldier out of your house? Wow, Becca,” he puts his hand on his chest, pretending to be offended, but the small smile on his face gives him away.

“You’re back for what, 5 minutes? And i’m already done with you.” Rebecca grumbles, and leads him to the parking lot.

“I love you too, y’know.” Bucky tugs her closer, and tightens his grip. He then lets her go, so that she can take out the car keys and open the doors. “Speakin’ of love, where’s the little one?”

He throws his bag on the back seat, and sits in the passenger side.

“She’s got a surprise for ya back at home, but of course you know nothing about it.” Becca says, reversing out of the parking spot, whilst checking if the road is clear.

“‘Course, “ Bucky chuckles, and stretches out in his seat. “Wouldn’t want to ruin it for her.”

▪️

Steve sighs, looking at the couple holding hands, walking towards the gate of Dyker Beach Park. He’s meeting Sam here, and since he spent the last week in his apartment he decided to come a little early to enjoy the spring air. He hasn’t got many commissions lately, plus he quit his job at Starbucks a few weeks ago. His resources are starting to look a little too low for his liking.

He’s in need of a part time job, he knows that, but he couldn’t stay at that company any longer. The shop was always busy, and they were seriously understaffed. Besides, the criteria for his uniform and behaviour towards the customers were a little too strict for him. Sure, he liked preparing coffee — and, the possibility to drink as much as he wanted to was appealing — but, overall it wasn’t a workplace that was good for him. He wanted to talk to his clients with a little bit more of an individual approach, not the kind that the company chose was the best. Besides, they didn’t like the fact that he was taking a sick leave often. In his defence, it’s not something he can control. He’d gladly work instead of being bed-ridden and miserable.

Steve nearly jumps out of his skin when he feels a hand on his shoulder, swearing inwardly. “Jesus Christ!” he turns to see Sam standing behind the bench, a grin spreading across his face. “What the hell, Sam?”

“Sorry man, didn’t mean to scare ya.” Steve shakes his head, and shoves his sketchbook into his bag as Sam joins him. “Haven’t seen you in a while, you good?” He spreads his shoulders on the bench and leans back.

“Yeah, just a commission needin’ a little touch-up, or two.” Steve rests his head against the bench, and closes his eyes.

“You look like hell, man,” Sam remarks, looking closely at the bags under Steve’s eyes, a little worried. “How’s that job hunt going?”

Steve groans, and sinks a little further.

“Don’t remind me.” He opens his eyes and looks ahead. “If this keeps up, I’m gonna need to crash at your place, you think Riley’d be okay with that?”

Sam breaks into a grin, and shakes Steve’s shoulder. “Yeah man! We told you, we’re here for ya. But it won’t come to that, I’m telling ya.” He straightens up, then looks at Steve all serious. “Hey, remember that coffee place near my VA I told you about?” Steve nods, unsure of where this is going. “Well, they’re looking for someone, and I know the owner, I could talk to them.”

“Thanks Sam, but let’s see if they’ll want to hire someone with my health problems first.”

Steve sighs. Logically, he knows this shouldn’t be a problem, but… well. In his previous work that actually had turned out to be a problem, so Steve’s not really sure of anything now. He’s grateful for Sam’s offer, of course he is, he just doesn’t want to get his hopes up all for nothing.

“That’s the best part, their kid has some kind of immune deficiency issue, so they’d totally understand.” Steve perks up a bit at that and looks at Sam hopefully. “So what do ya say? Let’s go give it a chance, it’s not that far from here.” Sam clasps him on the shoulder and stands up, without waiting for Steve’s answer.

“What, now? Don’t I need a CV for that?” Steve quickly catches up with him, and runs a hand through his hair. He looks down at what he’s wearing… it’s not that bad, but not really fit for a job interview either. He guesses his navy button down would have done just fine, that is if he hadn’t paired it with black jeans and converse.

“Now don’t you worry, it’s a local shop, so it’ll be nice and easy.” Sam throws a genuine smile in his direction and goes straight towards the gate.

Steve feels his anxiety slowly building up, but shakes his head and tries to remain calm. It’s not like Sam would do this if he knew Steve didn’t stand a chance. In fact, Sam’s optimism is what gives Steve hope. Besides, he said the shop is near the VA, so Steve knows he’d see both Sam and Riley much more often.

A thought of Bucky crosses his mind, but, should Bucky need it, there’s another VA back in their old neighbourhood. For a second he wonders, what if Bucky’d move? What if he couldn’t stand to be near their old blocks just like Steve? After all, Steve moved four months after they broke up. Sure, the bills affected his decision, but he also couldn't’ live in their old apartment without Bucky. Everything reminded him of the man he let go — from the old couch in their living room, to the local bakery they used to buy cakes in, to the alleys Bucky dragged him back home from after Steve picked up yet another fight. He just couldn’t shake it; Bucky was with him everywhere he went. Even now, two years later, Steve finds himself thinking “Bucky’d like that,” when he sees a particular item in his local shops. So, moving out seemed like the best option, and overall he’s happy that he chose to do that.

 _Will Bucky do the same though? Or will he stay in their neighbourhood?_ Hell, as far as Steve’s concerned Bucky could be dead by now, and Steve wouldn’t even know it. He immediately feels a lump in his throat, and has to blink back a few tears. Becca agreed on sending him a text when Bucky’s home on leave, but would she tell him if the worst happened? They’re not as close as they were. In fact their only contact now is limited to a few texts every couple of months. Steve doesn’t blame her, he can’t. After all, he’s the one that broke up with her brother. He’s got no right to expect anything more from her. Still, he hopes she’d let him know if anything terrible happened. He managed to get over Bucky, to live without the piercing pain in his chest, but he cares about him nonetheless. Steve hopes, Bucky has moved on too, he hopes he’s found friends in his unit and that he’s happy —as much as one can be in warzone, anyway.

“Steve?” He quickly snaps out of his thoughts, and blinks rapidly. Sam’s looking at him with slight concern, brows furrowed. “You alright, man?”

“What?” He clears his throat, mandating to force a small smile. “Yeah, I’m good.”

Sam doesn’t look convinced, but he lets it slide, nodding his head to the right. “We’re here.”

That’s when Steve notices that they’re standing in front of a little coffee shop with “Jane’s” written above the door. There’s a small table by the window inside, and the window sill is filled with cushions. There’s white lettering that reads ‘ _TODAY’_  written on the door, with the daily specials underneath. Steve peeks inside, and the entire place looks homely and comfortable. He smiles a little to himself.

“You ready?” Sam puts a hand on his shoulder, and gives it an encouraging squeeze.

“Yeah.” Steve nods, and they head in.


	8. The One With a New Life.

  
**_A couple of days later..._ **

Bucky straightens his tie, looking at his reflection in the mirror. He’s about to leave Becca’s apartment to head to their parents’ house, and have a family dinner. Then, in two more days he’ll fly back to the war again.

“You ready to go?” His sister calls from outside the door.

“Yeah!” Barnes replies, spraying a little cologne before leaving the room — a small part of him hesitates out of habit. But, he doesn’t need to worry about those things anymore.

He exits the spare bedroom, a smile worn over his face. Becca is occupied with trying to tie Lily’s hair, and she doesn’t look too happy about it. “Be good for your Mom,” Bucky warns, but Lily frowns.

“Will you sit next to me in the car?” She asks, jumping over to him after Becca finally manages to tie a bow in the braid.

He nods. “Course! You’re my favourite, don’t tell anyone.” Bucky whispers, and Lily laughs.

The family make their way outside towards the parking spot, where William is already waiting. They pile into the car, and begin the hour drive that it’ll take for them to get out of the city and to their Mom and Dad’s.

As soon as they arrive, Bucky is bombarded by his Mother and her hugs. His Dad even hugs him tight, taking that extra second to hold him. “How is it?” He grins, letting Bucky go. “Great,” he answers.

They head inside, and into the dining room. The table is already set, and the pleasant aroma of home cooking makes James smile. One thing he’s definitely missed whilst being overseas is a good, home cooked meal. The family take their seats, whilst Bucky helps his Mom to serve the food.

Everybody tucks in right away, discussing different topics —but, keeping the war talk to a safe minimum, for Lily’s sake. “So, all your friends okay?” Bucky’s Dad asks.

“Mostly, yeah… I can’t get into details, but there’s been an explosion a while ago and Clint— the one that runs around with a bow?” He he cocks his eyebrow in a silent question, waiting for everyone to nod, making sure they know who he’s talking about. “Yeah, he’s lost his hearing. I helped him learn sign language so he’s a pro now, but he’s goin’ back to the States soon. Oh, and actually… I have somethin’ to tell you guys about that.” They all look at him expectantly. “I met someone. As in — a boyfriend someone.” His voice grows quieter, and the room goes silent. Not even Lily says anything.

Of course, Bucky’s parents have always been super supportive of his sexuality — at first, when he was a teenager it took some educating. But, they really grew to love Steve like a member of their own family… and, when Becca informed them of the breakup, they were upset too.

“Oh? What’s their name?” His Mother asks, finally making a crack in the quiet.

“Brock,” he says, putting another forkful of food into his mouth. “He lives nearby, actually. He’s from Jersey — not a word, Becca!” He points a finger at his sister, who lifts her palms in defeat, a smirk playing on her lips. “But, he’s visitin’ his folks. Small world, huh?” Bucky grins.

His Mother, Father and Becca all smile. They haven’t seen him happy in… over two years. They wondered if he’d truly moved on from Steve, and if he would ever date again.

“Mommy?” Lily whispers, not heard amongst the now lively chatter at the table. “Did something happen to Uncle Steve?”

Becca shakes her head. “I’ll talk to you later, sweetie. You know what I told you.” There’s a slight strictness to her voice, and Lily stops talking.

She nods. “Okay,” Lily sighs.

▪️

Steve has officially been employed at his new job for almost a week already. He likes the staff, the hours are decent and so is the pay. Sam drops in most mornings for a coffee, and chats to Steve when they both have a break later that afternoon. Things are looking up.

He arrives home after his usual nine to five day, and feels his phone vibrating inside of his pocket. His heart skips a beat when he spies that the text is from Becca — she texts him each time Bucky is home from overseas, just to let him know he’s alive. The usual ‘made it safe.’ Steve sighs, and locks his phone again. They made a pact that he’s never to reply, and that she’s never to go into further detail. And, if Steve ever wants to, he can ask her to stop sending them… it has been two years.

Getting his phone back out again, Steve sends her a text. ‘I don’t need the messages anymore. Take care, Becca.’ He types. After sending it, a slight feeling of relief washes over him. At least now he doesn’t have to worry whether or not she has forgotten to text, or whether Bucky is in genuine danger.

He smiles to himself, pocketing his phone once more, and heading into the kitchen to prepare himself some dinner. Maybe things will be alright after all.

▪️

**_Three years later…_ **

Bucky looks at himself in the mirror hanging on the wall opposite him — he looks good, he has to admit. The navy blue three piece was made just for him, and it definitely looks stunning. The white button up looks simple, but he doesn’t want to over do it. Bucky adjusts his bowtie, running a hand through his hair. It’s a little longer, up to his shoulders, but he likes it, and if he’s being honest with himself, it suits him. Bucky puts his hands in the pockets of his suit trousers, and spins around.

“I’m ready!” He exclaims, and looks at the other changing room.

Bucky grins when the doors open, and he sucks in a breath when the man he’s marrying in two days steps out.

“Damn…” he breathes, and his mouth actually waters.

“So… you like it?”

Brock spins around showing off his three piece. His tuxedo is creamy white, paired with a navy blue button up and a matching bowtie. He slowly walks towards Bucky, spinning him around so that they’re both facing the mirror now.

“We’re matching, just like you wanted.” He grabs James by the right hand, and squeezes gently.

“Brock…” He’s at loss of words. He can’t believe it’s actually happening… that this is the _last_ time they’re trying their suits on before the wedding. Which is in two days. Two days and he’ll be a married man. “I can’t wait to be yours,” Bucky breathes, his eyes still glued to their reflection.

“You’re mine baby, a piece of paper isn’t gonna change it.” Brock says, his eyes scanning over the brunette possessively, and puts his hand on Bucky’s cheek, gently lifting his head. “I’m happy I’ve found you, Mr soon-to-be Barnes-Rumlow.”

Bucky smiles and nuzzles his head into Brock’s hand.  
  
“I love you, Mr soon-to-be Rumlow-Barnes.” he places his lips against Brock’s, and kisses him gently.

It’s perfect. He honestly didn’t think he’d ever have it, not after the breakup with Steve. When he shipped off, he thought that he’ll never fall in love again. His heart was shattered and he was scared to trust anyone with it. But meeting Brock… It changed everything. At first, he didn’t give in to Brock’s flirting — he’d been flattered, of course, but he didn’t want a relationship. Not so soon. Brock didn’t give up though and Bucky’s so grateful.

After everything that happened in Afghanistan — first Clint’s accident, then all the hardships his unit had to go through and then, the worst of all, the IED —he doesn’t think he deserves any kind of love. Brock keeps reminding him that that’s not true though, and he’s better now, even has a new shiny arm that is a lot stronger than his flesh, so it’s not like he’s about to complain. Bucky just knows he wouldn’t have been able do it without Brock. After all, the man cared about him so much. He did everything for Bucky. He kept telling Bucky that he’s with him now, and that he's never to forget that.

Brock talked him into going to both therapy, and VA sessions, and agreeing to Stark’s prosthetic program. Without Brock, Bucky would probably be a shell of the man he used to be — hiding in some ratty apartment, blaming himself for everything that’d happened since he became a Sergeant. Logically, he knew it wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t have done anything more, and the Purple Heart and Distinguished Service Cross are proof for that. But, unfortunately he still sees the blood on his hands, and hears their screams every night. So, no… logic doesn’t do much to ease his conscience.

“Bucky?” He shakes his head, and focuses on his breathing. He hasn’t realized his breaths were growing shallow. “Hey, you okay? Talk to me.” Brock’s eyes are full of worry, glancing around them, as he gently strokes Bucky’s cheek with his thumb.

“I’m good, I’m good.” Bucky tries to smile, but it doesn’t really work. Instead, he places his head on Brock’s shoulder, and inhales deeply. “Thank you.”

“You got me worried here.” Brock admits, embracing him in his arms. “Not only me, people were starting to stare.” He whispers, loosening his grip a little. “You sure you’re alright? We can go out, take a breath, without causing a scene.”

Bucky shakes his head slightly. “I’m fine.” He states, and smiles weakly, not wanting to bring Brock any more troubles.

▪️

After their fitting, they take the tuxedos with them and go for dinner at Brock’s favorite restaurant. He keeps on insisting that they can afford fancy food now — with their army money, and what not. Besides — as he told Bucky — he’s finally moved out from Jersey, and he wants to enjoy it.

They head home after that, and are now seated on the couch in the living room. Bucky moved in with Brock just after he left hospital. They figured that there’s no point in delaying the step in their relationship, since they’re getting married anyway. The apartment is spacious, and much larger than the one Bucky had lived in with Steve. It consists of a huge bathroom (with a tub he was quick to fall in love with), the master bedroom, a kitchen that is every cook’s dream, plus a spare room — where Bucky keeps all his stuff.

He wanted to move his things into their bedroom eventually, but Brock doesn’t like too many things in there, so he settled down for keeping them in the other room. It’s not like he uses them all the time, Bucky figured. They keep the place clean, with everything in order. Sometimes he’s not really up to cleaning, especially during his worst days, but he’s put it off once and well… he doesn’t want to make Brock angry again.

They’re watching some cooking program, and Bucky’s just started focusing on the dish being prepared when Brock turns the TV off. He cocks a brow at the other man, questioningly.

“Gotta get a good night sleep.” Brock shrugs, standing up. He puts the remote on the coffee table and stretches, then nods his head towards the bathroom doors on the right. “I’ll be quick.”

Bucky gulps. He checks the hour on his phone and sighs, seeing it’s only 9:30p.m. He knows it’s not easy to sleep beside him, but he’s been making progress. He still wakes up screaming more often than not, and usually Brock’s the one that has to bring him down. He’s used to running low on sleep, but he knows it takes a toll on the other man. Rumlow likes to sleep in, and Bucky often ends up unintentionally waking him up.

He sighs, standing up, then going to the bedroom. He strips down to his long sleeved shirt and boxer briefs, then sits on the bed waiting for the other man to leave the bathroom. He takes off the glove he’s been wearing on his prosthetic and puts it on the nightstand. When he hears the bathroom doors open, Bucky stands up and goes to leave the room. They meet in the doorway, Brock smelling of soap, with a towel hanging on his hips.

“I’ll be waiting.” Rumlow murmurs, then closes the door behind himself.

Bucky goes to the bathroom, and quickly strips out of the rest of his clothes, putting them into the hamper.He relieves himself, then looks longingly at the tub. He wants to have a hot bath, but he decides against it, remembering what Brock had said. He takes a quick shower, washing his hair. Even after all this time he still buys coconut shampoo — once Steve’s favorite. Guess old habits die hard. He steps out of the shower and combs his hair. Then, he brushes his teeth before putting on his night shirt and boxers. He puts his left hand under a hot spray of water to warm it up a bit. After that, he leaves the bathroom and goes back into the bedroom. He quietly closes the doors behind himself, seeing that the lights are already off. He pads down towards the bed and climbs in, pulling the covers up to his chin. He’s lying on his right side, his left hand searching for Brock.

“‘S cold, Bucky.” The man grumbles, already half asleep.

“I warmed it.” he counters, frowning.

“Well, it’s still cold.” After that, he takes his hand off of Brock’s waist, shuffling back a little.

He knows the other man doesn’t like the coldness of his prosthetic, that’s why he always sleeps in a long sleeve and warms up his hand. It doesn’t always work though, and Bucky’s left on his side of the bed, keeping the distance between them. He sighs quietly, closing his eyes. He can tell Brock’s almost asleep by the sound of his even breathing. He rolls over on his back, wishing he could fall asleep as fast as the other man. Instead of sleep though, his mind is filled with images of explosions and sounds of gunfire. He bites down hard on his lips to keep quiet, and stares into the darkness.

▪️


	9. The One With The Coffee Shop.

**_The next day._ **

Bucky sighs heavily, running a hand through his hair. He’s decided that going on a walk will calm his nerves for the big day tomorrow. He brings his hand back down again, watching the ring glisten in the sun. He’s unsure whether he will ever get used to that.

He checks the time on his watch — almost noon. He’s barely eaten all day, and needs to call Becca about flower arrangements. Jesus, who knew weddings would be so damn stressful, huh? Bucky has been walking for so long without purpose, that he hadn’t even realised he’d left his new neighbourhood, and is now… he’s back where he used to live with Steve.

“Fuck,” he curses quietly.

Bucky starts walking again, a lot faster this time. He exits the neighbourhood probably quicker than he had entered it. He wanders around for a bit, getting lost in the streets. Then, he finds himself near the VA and decides it’s probably time to go home to Brock. He’s just about to turn around when he spots a coffee shop, and, boy could he do with an unhealthy dose of caffeine right now. He continues along the sidewalk, and opens the door.

It’s rather cosy inside, and quite busy. The queue isn’t too long, so he stands behind the man before him. James can hear someone getting served already, so hopefully it’ll be quick.

“Darcy, can I get a vanilla latte, please?”

Wait a minute. Bucky recognises that voice. He _knows_ that voice, but he hasn’t heard it in… five years.

The woman who has just been served steps aside, and waits a little further down. As the line moves along, Bucky catches a sight of the guy behind the counter. His blonde hair falls slightly into his bright, blue eyes, hidden behind thick glasses. His smile is bashful and shy, as he asks the next person “what would you like today, Ma’am?”

Bucky gulps. His heart rate quickens.

“One vanilla latte!” A woman’s voice calls out. The next lady steps aside. There’s one more male in front of bucky. He has to get out of here, before Steve sees him. But, he looks so content standing there — gosh, he has a public job now? A sense of pride surges throughout James’ body. He turns away, realising he doesn’t even know what he wants to order. Bucky stares at the menu, not really concentrating on it enough to take in all of the names.

Maybe Steve won’t even recognise him? I mean, it has been five years, after all.

“Excuse me, Sir? Can — can I help you?” His voice still sounds so endearing, and he still has that adorable, nervous stutter.

Bucky jumps, realising he’s still frozen on the spot. He has to go. “No!” He snaps, turning towards the door. He rushes to the door, grabbing the handle in his left hand with such force that for a moment, Buck is afraid he might have broken it. Seconds before he manages to leap outside, he hears something. A tiny, timid little voice...

… “Bucky?”

▪️

**_Later that same day, in the backroom of Jane’s Coffee Shop…_ **

“Steven Grant Rogers, don’t make me repeat myself!” Jane scolds, her arms folded tightly against her chest.

Steve raises an eyebrow — he didn’t even realise she _knew_ his full name. “Uh…” He begins, but she’s soon talking over him.

“I don’t want to hear it! I’m signing you off. Go home. Rest.”

He sighs, sitting down on the couch behind him. “Can’t I just work the day? I’m alright.” But, his scratchy voice tells a different story.

The truth is, he just wants to distract himself from the fact that earlier he could’ve sworn he’d heard and seen James Buchanan Barnes again. And, what’s worse? The thing that glittered on Bucky’s right ring finger. An actual ring — a symbol of forever with someone else. Someone that isn’t Steve. And, is he surprised? Honestly, of course not. Bucky is an amazing human being, and Steve knew that he’d find love eventually. But, some selfish part of him just wishes that he hadn’t… and, that he’d come back to Steve once he’d finished overseas some day. _Pathetic._

A few moments later, and Darcey’s voice yells from somewhere inside the shop. “Sam’s here! I’m letting him through the back,” she calls.

Sure enough, Wilson pokes his head around the half open door. “What’s up?” He asks, stepping fully inside when he notices the disgruntled expression painted all over Jane’s face.

“Talk some sense into him, will you, Sam?” She huffs.

Rogers drags himself away from his miserable musings. He sighs heavily, and then looks up at Sam.

“Dude. I’d listen to her… she scares me.” He looks at Jane. “No offence.”

“None taken,” she replies.

“Fine,” Steve mumbles, knowing that he won’t be able to persuade them and get his own way. He stands up, and gathers his things from his locker.

“And, I don’t want to see you until you’re fully healthy this time.” Jane warns.

Rogers nods. “I’ll walk him home!” Sam exclaims, hurrying after Steve before he can lose him.

▪️

It’s been about half an hour since Steve told Sam he could leave him alone. It’s not like he’s a child, or anything. He’s just been lying on the couch, contemplating doing some drawing or watching some TV. He eventually decides on neither — he’d prefer a nap. But, first he should take some painkillers… crap. He ran out last night, and completely forgot to buy extras before his shift.

Steve grumbles to himself, and sits up. He puts his shoes back on, and heads out. He’ll be back in a few minutes, and then he can sleep. It’s only a short walk to the nearby pharmacy store — about fifteen minutes, at a slow pace. The second he arrives, he takes a few moments to rest. The summer heat has been hard on his asthma recently.

He buys the pills, and pays for them. Steve wonders if he should go for a further walk — maybe it’d do him some good. He does need some new art supplies, and Peggy’s store is twenty more minutes away. Shrugging, Rogers walks in the opposite direction from home.

It took him slightly longer than usual to get there, as there was roadworks that he had to go around. By the time he arrives, he’s extremely out of breath. He reaches into his trouser pocket for his inhaler. He pats his trousers, and… it’s not there. Shit, shit, shit. Don’t panic. Just breathe, Steven.

That’s practically the last thing he remembers coherently thinking. The next thing he knows, and there’s blue flashing lights blinding him, sirens blaring in his ears. Peggy is holding his hand. He’s against the searing hot sidewalk… did he pass out? A paramedic is striding towards him, helping him to his feet, but his legs are too weak. They give him something — another inhaler? Then there’s a mask placed over his face… things start fading away out of his vision again, and are replaced with a fuzzy blackness instead.

Steve wakes up inside of the ambulance, and gasps for air. He tries to grasp at the mask over his face, but somebody stops him. They tell him to stay calm, but he hasn’t been in an ambulance in… Jesus, over ten years, at least. He’s never liked them — they’re loud, and compact, and very overwhelming. It’s like how he used to see hospitals before he met Bucky. Oh, god. Bucky.

He tries to say something, but no words come out. He can feel a sharp pain in his hand — they must have inserted an IV. Why would they do that? Steve wants to go home. He feels his eyes growing heavy, but they’re damp from something too. Maybe he’s been crying? He isn’t sure.

The next thing Steve can see is the ambulance doors swinging open, and the burning sunlight streams inside of the compact space. “I don’t want to go to hospital!” He manages to shout — it comes out like a pathetic mumble, but he feels like he’s yelling as loudly as he can.

“Steve, it’s okay.” Peggy’s voice breaks through to him, and he looks up at her face. He hadn’t even realised she’d been beside him the whole time.

The paramedics take him into the ER, and he can hear them explaining his case to the nurses. “Asthma attack… he’s dehydrated… suffering from a virus too.” Steve frowns. He’s pretty sure they’re exaggerating things.

“Okay, Mr. Rogers. Can you hear me?” A nurse shines a light in his eyes, and he closes them.

“Yeah,” he slurs. He wishes Bucky was here — how stupid is that? He hasn’t seen the damn guy for five years now. But, James Barnes was the only person who could stop Steve from panicking at the hospital. And, now he’s not here… and, well.

“Let’s get you calmed down, okay?” The nurse says. Her voice is kind, but Steve isn’t paying much attention to this. He’s trying to stay conscious with all his might, and doesn’t have the energy to focus on much else. “We’ll get some antibiotics and painkillers into you, and you should feel better.”

Steve shakes his head. “I wanna go home,” he whimpers.

Someone rubs his hand — Peggy. “I’ll take you home when I can.” She says.

“I wanna go now.” He chokes out a sob, scrunching his eyes shut. This is all just one big nightmare… right?

This time he doesn’t open his eyes again… he’s too sleepy. Steve gives in, and lets his body drift away into the uncionouss realm once more. Maybe when he wakes up this time, Bucky will be smiling above him and greeting him with the usual “hey, dork.”

▪️

**_2 hours later._ **

Steve slowly comes around, a steady beeping filling his ears. He feels like he’s been exercising for hours on end — everything aches, and there’s a practically unbearable dryness to his throat. He blinks, light burning his eyes with each second he opens them.

“He’s waking up!” A female voice gasps.

“Steve? Steve! Come back to us, man!” A male voice joins in.

He groans, and finally manages to hold his eyes open for more than one second. “Sam? Peggy?” Steve sounds like he hasn’t spoken in days.

Somebody holds a cup up to his mouth, and he drinks from it. “Thanks,” Steve whispers. “When did you get here?” He looks over at Sam, the movement physically paining his head as he does so.

“About an hour ago. Peggy said you’ve been out for two,” Sam answers.

“Really?” Steve sighs.

He closes his eyes for a few more moments, and then opens them again. That’s when he realises he’s not in the ER anymore, but a side room instead. Peggy is stood on his right, and Wilson on the left. The walls are a pale blue colour, there’s a window — but, the blinds are drawn. Steve looks down at his hand, and the bangadge is tinted red.

“You tried to pull that out,” Peggy mutters. “You went quite… crazy, before they sedated you.”

“What?” Steve hadn’t remembered it like that.

She sighs. Steve squints his eyes to get a better look at her, and he realises that she’s been crying. “They said you had a panic attack, and that you were delirious from the fever.” Carter explains further.

Steve closes his eyes, and falls back against the pillow. “I wasn’t aware that I had one,” he grumbles.

“Hey! You’ve put Peg through a lot of stress, Steve.”

“I — I’m sorry,” he whispers, suddenly feeling an overwhelming twinge of guilt rising inside of him. He’s no good for anyone. “You guys should go home.”

“It’s okay, Steve.” Peggy says. She leans forwards, and kisses his cheek.

He doesn’t hear what Sam and Peggy say next, but they chat amongst themselves for a few minutes.

“I’m going to drop her home. I’ll be back in an hour, okay?” Wilson says.

Steve nods. They should just stay away from him. He closes his eyes, hoping to just fall asleep and wake up tomorrow maybe feeling a little less emotionally and physically drained. He also makes a mental note to draw Peggy something when he’s better, because she didn’t deserve to witness that. Steve is lucky that she’s stayed his friend for so long.

▪️


	10. The One With The Wedding.

_**The One With The Wedding.** _

Bucky lets out a deep breath, and pokes his head out of the tent. Everyone’s still sitting, but Brock is already standing at the altar, waiting for him. They’ve chosen the perfect location, and the weather is just wonderful — not too hot for a typical Brooklyn summer, and the sun is illuminating Prospect Park in such a breathtaking way.

They’ve decided to have the ceremony outdoors —just like Brock’d always wanted. Bucky agreed because, how could he not? He’d do anything to make this day as special for Brock, as it is for him. The wedding planner did a great job choosing all of the decorations in white and crimson red. The arch of the altar is filled with roses and, if he’s being honest, it takes his breath away.

Bucky hides in the tent again, and hears the first notes of the wedding march. He still thinks it’s kinda cheesy but, well, if that’s what Brock wants he’s not one to argue. He looks at himself in the mirror and goes to straighten his bowtie...

… That’s when it hits him. The images come rushing in front of his eyes, and he sucks in a sharp breath. His knees give way, and he catches the closes table to remain standing. He tries shaking his head but it doesn’t work. It spins with the images of his dream, so he shuts his eyes tight. Bucky’s trembling, he knows that, but he can’t control it. He can feel a panic attack creeping on him, and he can’t do anything to stop it.

His knees go fully weak now, so he sits down hard on the closest chair. He hides his head in his hands, and breathes shallowly. James feels like his lungs are on fire, and every breath physically hurts. He bends down, and puts his head in his knees — but, that doesn't help either. His attack is in full force now, and his vision begins to blur due to the lack of oxygen. His heart pounds erratically, and he swears he’s dying. His stomach clenches, and he starts to hyperventilate. Bucky feels trapped. He pulls on his hair to feel something — anything other than the suffocating pain.

“Bucky? Where the hell are —” Becca enters his little tent, and stops sort when he sees him shaking and barely breathing on one of the chairs. “Holy fuck!” She breathes, running towards her brother.

“Bucky? Bucky! Look at me, look at me!” She crouches beside him, and pulls his hands out of his hair. She starts stroking his arm with one hand, the other trying to lift his head. “Shh Bucky, hey, I’m here now, you’re safe.”

When he doesn’t respond or show any kind of affirmation that he heard her, she pulls him on the ground end embraces him. “It’s Becca, Buck. We’re in New York, you’re safe. You’re getting married now, remember?” She strokes his head all the time, while whispering soothing words to him.

“Breathe with me now, in… and out. That’s right Bucky, just breathe with me.” They remain like that for the next couple of minutes, ‘till she decides he’ll be fine breathing on his own. “You scared the hell outta me Bucky, Jesus.”

She still keeps him tight in her arms. When he lifts his head, she wipes away his tears with her thumb. “It’s okay, you’re safe. You with me now?” Becca looks at him, concern evident in her eyes. When Bucky nods, she gently pulls his hair into a bun again. “You know where we are?”

“Brooklyn,” his voice is hoarse and barely audible, but he doesn’t bother clearing his throat. Instead, he rests his head on Becca’s shoulder and breathes deeply.

“Yeah. You’re getting married, remember?” She can feel him going tense in her arms, so she tightens the hug.

“Steve…” Bucky whispers, and a single tear streams down his face.

“What?” Becca exclaims, confusion audible in her voice.

“I can’t…” he sucks in a sharp breath, and trembles again.

“What can’t you do, Bucky? You’re marrying Brock, not Steve. You two broke up years ago now.” She frowns, not knowing where this sudden change in her brother is coming from.

“ _That_ , Becks.” his voice is barely audible, still hoarse and muffled by her shoulder.

“You’re not making any sense.” She huffs.

“Goddammit, Becca!” Bucky straightens up, and looks at her all serious. Her eyebrows fly up when she sees the sudden change in her brother.

“I can’t marry him.” He declares, and then looks away.

“Say that again?” Becca’s eyebrows are at her hairline at this point and she can’t believe what she’s hearing. Five minutes ago Bucky was the happiest man on the planet, and now he says he can’t get married? It just doesn’t make any sense.

“I can’t marry Brock.” he repeats sternly, and looks her in the eyes. “You know that feeling, when you have a dream and you wake up all paralyzed and covered in sweat?” She nods, so he takes a deep breath and continues. “And then, you can’t remember what the dream was about, so you just kind of forget about it until somethin’ stupid reminds you of it, and it all comes rushin’ back…?”

“Yeah?” she hesitates, because seriously, where is this going?   
  
“I had a dream tonight... “ he runs a hand through his hair again, untangling it from the band. “I couldn’t remember what it was about so I just pushed it out of my head. It’s my wedding day after all — I wasn’t gonna let some unimportant dream ruin it.“ He sighs, and hangs his head.

“I was straightenin’ my bowtie when I remembered… It was the wedding, of course it was the goddamn wedding.” He huffs, and then looks back at Becca. She’s still frowning, but she nods, encouraging him to continue.

“It was just like it is now. Red and white, Prospect Park, all the guests, even the goddamn tent. Just… It was Steve, at the end. He was waitin’ for me. Steve —with that golden hair, and blue eyes, and those damn hipster glasses at the bridge of his nose. He was wearing a blue suit though, because of course he would. He —” Bucky’s voice breaks, and he just about manages to take a shallow breath.

“Bucky…” she goes to hug him, and he willingly closes his arms around her. “It’s been five years, you’ve gotta stop thinking about him. You love Brock —”

“That’s the point,” he interrupts. “That’s the whole fucking point Becks. I don’t.”

She pulls back, and looks at him surprised.

“Now, don’t give me that look. You know I love him, of course I do. I just… I love Steve so much more.”

She’s speechless. Her mouth opens, but she can’t get a single word out.

“I haven’t been honest with you, Becks.” He mumbles into her shoulder.

“Dammit Bucky, what did you do?” He shivers; her stern voice reminds him of their mother, and now he can’t help but think of how disappointed she’ll be and, oh God, what is he doing?

“‘S not like that. I just… I saw him.” She wants to say something, but Bucky beats her to it. “Yesterday. I was just walkin’ around, and decided to go for a coffee and he was there. Of all the goddamn coffee shops in Brooklyn he had to work in that one. He was behind the counter and I…” he groans, and runs a hand down his face. “I ran Becca. He asked for my order and I just left!”

“Bucky…” her voice is soft again, and he swears he prefers when she’s angry then feels sorry for him.

“Don’t give me that. I’m a US soldier for God’s sake, I was in charge of my own unit and people’s lives depended on me! And now what, I’m back to Brooklyn and I can’t even face an ex-boyfriend? That’s pathetic Becca, you know it is.”

He straightens his bow tie yet again, letting out a deep breath. He means that, if he’s being honest. Seeing his fellow soldiers being blown up didn’t scare him as much as the encounter with Steve had. Hell, last time he was that scared was when he spotted that damn IED and feared he wouldn’t give his unit a heads up in time.

“Christ, Bucky. Those are two totally different things! You can’t seriously compare them!” The look she’s giving him says everything that she’s thinking. He feels a shiver down his spine, and hangs his shoulders.

“I know, I know! I just… I love him. Goddammit I still love him.” He says calmer this time, and starts fiddling with his cufflinks. “I can’t marry Brock.” Bucky mumbles, still not meeting his sister’s gaze. “I can’t lie to him, to our family. Even to myself. I just can’t.”

Becca puts her hand on his knee and squeezes. “I know you can’t. And, if you think I’d let you after what you just said…” She sends him a reassuring smile. “What do you want me to do?”

“Stall for me?” Bucky risks a glance towards her. “Not for long, just enough so I can go to our apartment, and take a couple of my things.” He quickly explains, gauging her reaction. She sighs.

“You know you owe Brock an explanation?”

“Jesus, Becca, who do you think I am?” She shrugs, so Bucky just shakes his head. “I’ll leave him a letter.”

“A letter is all he gets?” She arches her eyebrow.

“’s more than I got from Steve, isn’t it?” he responds, letting his voice show all the hurt he’s still feeling.

“Make it quick.” she squeezes his knee one last time, and stands up. She goes to leave the tent, but stops shortly and turns back towards Bucky. “What are you gonna do with Steve?”

He shrugs, and stands up too.

“I don’t know. Let him enjoy his life without me? God knows he deserves it.” He answers in a small voice and sends Becca a sad smile.

“You don’t wanna talk to him? See where he’s at?” Her gaze is stern and Bucky feels small under it.

“I don’t know Becks… He seemed pretty fine without me. Besides,” he shrugs, lifting his metal prosthetic. “I don’t want to drag him into this mess.”

“Maybe he wants to?” She lifts her eyebrow.

“You know somethin’ I don’t?” Bucky snaps and crosses his arms. He feels good after telling Becca the truth, and, don’t get him wrong, he’s glad she’s been there for him. But that questioning right now isn’t gonna do him any good.

“Bucky, stop. You know I mean well. I love you, idiot.” She shakes her head, and leaves the tent.

“Yeah, I love you too.“ He whispers after she’s gone and leaves the place.

 He’s in a cab, going to Brock’s apartment when his phone chimes. His heart stops, as he’s thinking it’s Becca telling him she couldn’t stall any longer. He pulls the device out of his pocket and sucks in a sharp breath, reading the message. ‘Here’s Steve’s address. Do what you think is right xx’


	11. The One With The Hug.

_**One month later.** _

Bucky turns the corner, returning to an all familiar street. He looks over at the coffee shop he’s about to go into — _‘Jane’s Coffee Shop’_ , to be precise. It’s been a whole month since he’d bailed on the wedding, and he still can’t quite comprehend what to do with himself.

He’s living with Becca for the time being, and hasn’t heard from Brock since he left the letter for him explaining himself. Of course, he feels dreadful for ruining Brock’s big day… but, Becca says she thinks he knew things wouldn’t work out. Apparently, she didn’t think they were in love nowhere near as much as Bucky was with Steve, and the other way around. He’s been sitting on these words for the past four weeks, and he’s finally about to do something about them. He’s scared, of course he is, but he figures he can’t live like that any longer. For the past four weeks he’s been thinking only about Steve. No matter where he went, no matter what he was doing, the blonde was always on his mind. He’s sure about his feelings, now more than ever. He had time to think everything through and he came to the conclusion that he loves Steve, and he wants to be a part of his life, as much as the other would let him.

Bucky pushes the door open, and forces himself to look at the counter. The shop is a lot quieter this time, most likely because it’s two in the afternoon. His heart sinks though, when he sees that there’s a girl behind the counter instead. The door closes behind him, making him jump. He can’t back out now. Not after everything that’s happened.

Bucky walks up to her, being the only person in the queue. “Hi, uh… does a guy called Steve work here?” He asks, already feeling stupid.

“He does… who’s asking?” The woman in glasses replies.

Slightly taken aback by this answer, Bucky starts to stammer. “I — Uh, an — an old friend?” He’s unsure why he phrases this as a question.

The girl laughs. “Right, okay. Well, the guy is on sick leave… he should be back in a couple of days, I guess?” Bucky’s heart skips a beat. _Damn it, Steve — have you not been looking after yourself?!_

“Thanks!” Bucky says quickly, turning around and hurrying out of the shop.

Becca gave him Steve’s new address right after he fled from the failed wedding. Steve had given it to her, in case of emergencies or what not. In Bucky’s eyes, this is an emergency. He quickens his pace, getting out his phone to type in the address and get directions.

It’s a surprisingly short walk away, and before Bucky knows it, he’s already stood outside the door of the apartment building. He quickly makes it to the second floor and stops at 2C. God, he’s nervous. He raises one hand in a fist, and hovers it over the wooden door before him. Why is he so scared?! Eventually, after what seems like hours, Bucky works up the courage to knock.

He waits for someone to answer, his mind running over one hundred ‘what ifs’ — what if he has a boyfriend? What if he’s not home? What if he doesn’t want to see Bucky ever again… just like he’d implied all those years ago?! James almost audibly screams in terror as the door lock can be heard clicking, and then finally the door opens.

Steve is standing right before his very eyes. Bucky sucks in a breath. Surprisingly, he doesn’t look too worse for wear — he looks sleepy, and his nose is just slightly red. His facial expression goes from dazed, and then to utterly shocked when he realises who he’s just answered his door to.

“Bucky?!” Of course, Steve can’t shout this as loudly as he wishes… due to the fact he’s lost his voice. But, despite sounding like a little mouse, it’s still clear that he’s completely in genuine shock.

Bucky’s facial expression softens. “Steve,” he breathes. He stares at him, both of them unsure of what to do. Thousands of thoughts race through his mind all at once, but he can’t seem to say even one of them; nothing sounds right. What is he supposed to say after he run out of the cafe like it was on fire? Not to mention that he hasn’t really seen Steve in five years and, oh right, the blonde was the one to break up with him.

“Can… can I hug you?” Rogers whispers, staring at the floor and fidgeting with his sweater paws.

At this point, Barnes reaches forwards and envelopes Steve in the warmest, safest hug he’s had in… over five years. Bucky is home, and he’s okay, and he’s here. Steve squeezes him tightly, not ever wanting to let go — just in case this is all a misleading dream. He can’t help but notice the difference in Bucky’s left arm though. It’s hard and he can feel the cold of it even through Buck’s jacket. He’s not about to bring that up however; he figures that it’s not his place to ask. Not now, after five years without any form of contact between the two of them..

They break apart after a few moments, and Steve indicates his right ear, opening his mouth to speak. Bucky stops him, and holds up his own hands. ‘Sign language exists, Steve.’ He signs using ASL, a tiny smirk upon his face.

‘Do you want to come in?’ Steve signs. He looks down at Bucky’s hands, but they’re both covered by gloves this time.

Bucky nods. “Please,” he answers.

So, Steve steps aside and lets him enter the apartment. It’s considerably smaller than the one they had shared together — a tiny entryway that leads to an even narrower hallway behind him, tiny kitchen to the right, dimly lit living room to the left. Steve’s bedroom leads through a door that’s situated by his bookcase in there, and then finally there’s a bathroom at the end of the short hall. Very compact, to say the least.

‘Sorry about the mess,’ Rogers signs. He shuts the door behind them, and shows Bucky into the living room.

The curtains are drawn, and there’s still his desk by the window. It’s scattered with papers atop his open laptop. There’s their old couch situated in the centre of the room, and a smaller coffee table that has more drawings all over it. A box of tissues is in the middle of the couch, and Steve quickly moves them onto his desk. The TV is on at a very low volume, and Bucky can tell that it’s much smaller than the one they used to own together.

“Doesn’t look _that_ messy,” he finally decides on saying, signing along.

Steve smiles a little. ‘Thank you.’

“So, what’s up? Uh… I — I went to the cafe, um, they said you weren’t well.” He continues.

Rogers frowns slightly… why would Buck come all the way to see him, when he has a fiancé already? He decides to let it go for now, because James is right here and that’s all he’s wanted since the damn day he told him to go. God, that’s so selfish of him… but, Steve needs him.

“Honestly?” Bucky shoots him a scolding glance. ‘Sorry. I just caught a stupid cold last week, and I feel so much better. But, I kinda lost my voice.’ He signs.

“You always did overwork yourself, Stevie.” That nickname. Steve’s heart skips a beat upon hearing it. He’s engaged, you idiot, he reprimends himself and sighs.

‘Sit, if you like.’

Bucky takes a seat on the couch, on Steve’s left as usual. “Look… we both owe explanations. I’m tired, and you look it even more. I’m back now, for good, and —“ he stops, searching for the right thing to say, fiddling with his gloved fingers.. “Let’s start with some kind of civil behaviour? I’ll make you some soup, crash on the couch and wave goodbye in the morning with intentions of coming back again?” He asks hopefully.

Steve takes in every single word. He’s missed the sheer sound of his voice. ‘It can’t hurt to try,’ he signs back.

▪️

**_The next afternoon._ **

Bucky attempts at sneaking back into Becca’s house — they moved in two years ago, after William’s promotion — but, to no prevail. Lily notices him at once, hearing the front door and running into the hallway at once. “Uncle Bucky, you’re back so late!” She exclaims, hugging him all the same.

“Yeah, I was just… out.” He says — it’s not exactly a lie.

A few moments later, and Becca exits the little laundry room to their right. “Where have you been?” She asks.

“Out,” Buck replies. “What’s for lunch?” He changes the subject, but she frowns at him suspiciously.

“There’s bread in the bread bin,” Becca says, going back into the laundry room to finish up whatever she was doing.

Bucky heads down the hallway and into the kitchen, Lily following him shortly behind. He will tell them where he’s been… just, not yet. The reason he’d actually come home so late, was because him and Steve woke up late and watched Friends. That’s literally the only reason. It had been so contented, just sat there beside him. He’d felt so… safe.

He can’t help but compare that feeling to when he was with Brock. He knows it’s not right, because he and Rumlow share military history, which is something you can’t compare to an ordinary relationship. But, still… With Brock he was happy, of course he was. He loved him and knew the other person had loved him back. He felt safe too, knowing that if anything happened, Brock’d be able to overpower him and bring him back.

But, Steve… He’s something else. With the blonde he was finally able to push all the bad memories to the back of his mind and focus only on Steve and his health. If he’s to be honest, it was refreshing. Steve’s the only one of his friends — if he can even call him that — who doesn’t know anything about his service. He has no idea about the IED or his missing arm... Well, maybe not really missing, but he’s still not accustomed of the idea to call the prosthetic his. Don’t get him wrong, he’s grateful to Stark Industries for clearing him to be part of the project, but he’s just not accustomed to it — and sometimes the look of the arm in his reflection frightens even him… and, the strength of the metal too. Just yesterday, he dented the bar in the subway just because he was gripping it too hard.

So yeah, Bucky’s not really ready to tell Becca where he was. He knows she’ll start questioning his motives and ask him if he knows what he’s doing. Well, obviously, he doesn’t, but that’s not gonna stop him from wanting to see Steve as much as possible. He genuinely cares about the little guy, and if seeing Steve makes him forget about everything that’s wrong with him, then that’s simply another plus.

Bucky leaves the kitchen with a sandwich in his hand, and goes back into the guest room, which has now become his bedroom. He enters the room, keeping in mind he has to call his therapist to confirm his next session, and check the schedule for his VA meetings. He gently closes the door behind him, and sits on the bed. He fishes his phone out of his jeans pocket, taking a bite of his sandwich. Bucky quickly searches for his therapist’s number. He presses the call button and waits for three signals.

“Bruce Banner’s office, how can I help you?” The receptionist asks, and he already feels the anxiety building up. He hates his sessions, because he has to open up about his time in Afghanistan and his therapist is usually pretty quick to call him out on his bullshit. He appreciates that, and knows it’s what he needs… but still, it stresses him out.

“Hi, it’s James Barnes. I’m callin’ to confirm my meetin’ today?” He’s not sure why he says it as a question but, well. Ever since he came back, he’s been having trouble with casual encounters with people, and everything leaves him questioning himself.

“Barnes… Yes, Dr. Banner will be awaiting you at 1700 hours.” A small smile appears on his face when the receptionist uses the military format of hours. They know he served, and always do their best to make him feel more comfortable. It’s the little gestures, he decides, that make a huge difference.

“Okay, thank you.” He ends the call, and throws his phone on the bed.

Bucky takes the last bite of his sandwich when the doors to the guest room open, and Becca comes in. “You wanna tell me where you spent the night?” He groans. James guesses he should’ve expected just that, but still, he wishes Becca would give him more time.

“No.” She frowns, as he falls down on the bed and rubs his eyes.

“Bucky.” Her voice is stern, and he’s willing to bet she’s crossing her arms right now.

“No.” He repeats, stronger this time, whilst keeping his eyes closed.

“Goddamnit, Bucky, you know I’m worried about you.” He doesn’t say anything, hoping she’ll just let him be. Instead, she comes further into the room and sits beside him. “Can you please tell me where the hell you’ve been?”

“I already said no, Becca. Leave it.” He doesn’t change his position, and stubbornly keeps his eyes closed. He prefers the images of Steve to his angry little sister.

“Fine.” She hisses and stands up. She closes the door with a bang, and Bucky lets out the breath he’s been holding. He doesn’t want to upset her, but he also really doesn’t want to talk about it. He wants to hold onto his time with Steve to himself just for a little while longer, at least until he sees Dr. Banner.

Buck checks his phone, noticing he still has four hours until he has to leave for his session. He decides to take a nap, and turns on an alarm. He pulls a comforter over himself, and drifts off to sleep, thinking of golden hair and blue eyes.

▪️


	12. The One With The Awkward Meeting.

After his session, Bucky feels a little better about things. He’d talked about leaving his wedding behind, and they’d actually had a conversation about redeeming himself. Dr. Banner said it seems he did the right thing — staying with Brock and living a lie would’ve been worse.

He lets himself back into Becca’s place, and can hear Lily practicing the piano in the living room. He wonders if he should apologise for being so closed off with his sister earlier on, but she’s busy in the kitchen preparing dinner. William is still at work… so, he goes back into the guest room.

James sort of wishes he had Steve’s number. But, it’s much too soon for that. He wonders when he should go and see him again… does Steve want that too? Bucky shakes himself out of this mindset, hearing that the piano has stopped.

“Uncle Bucky?” Lily is standing in the doorway. “What’re you doing?”

“Nothin’,” he answers. “What’re you doin’?”

She frowns. “I dunno. I’m bored… wanna go outside?”

“Sure.” He smiles, standing up. It’d be good to take his mind off of things.

They go outside, and play football together. Becca can see them out of the kitchen window, and she smiles to herself. He looks happy.

▪️

**_2 days later..._ **

It’s evening time, and Bucky is shut away in the guest room. His day has been full of anxiety and depressive thoughts. He accidentally snapped at Lily earlier, and since then he hasn’t come out of the room. It’s best for everyone, really.

There’s a tiny knock at the door a few minutes later, and Bucky tries to ignore it. But, of course Becca opens the door anyway. “Buck?” She whispers.

“What?” He sighs.

“What’s going on, huh?” She sits beside him, and lets him rest his head upon her shoulder.

“Is Lily alright?” Bucky murmurs.

Becca runs a hand through his hair. “Yeah, she understands.”

“... I just,I dunno… Last night I couldn’t sleep — nightmares, of fuckin’ course — and, today I have this headache and I’m tired, and everythin’ doesn’t seem… it doesn’t seem real, you know? And, I kept tryin’ to sleep, I do, but my throat hurts and I keep seein’ images of the trenches, explosions and just blood everywhere… I just wanna see Steve again,” he whispers.

Becca opens her mouth to reply, but closes it again. “You want to see Steve… _again?_ ” Her eyebrows get higher and higher by the second.

He realises his mistake, and sits up. “I — I haven’t seen him in years!” Bucky tries to backtrack, but Becca isn’t buying it.

“Buck,” she begins. “I don’t mind you seeing Steve… I’d just like to know about it. I’m your sister, and I just want to know if you’re okay.” She sighs.

He nods slowly. “I saw him two days ago,”

“And?”

Bucky smiles for the first time in hours. “We watched TV. We haven’t talked all that much though. It was nice — I made him soup,” he says.

“So… He was sick?” Becca raises one eyebrow.

“Oh,” Bucky mumbles. “Yeah, he was.”

“Looks like you should see him more — strengthen your immune system back up,” his sister teases.

James sighs, and lies down. “Maybe I’ll go see him after my VA meetin’ in two days?” He suggests, closing his eyes now.

“You do whatever you think is right, okay?” She says, patting his hand.

Bucky nods, but he’s already half asleep. Becca leaves the room, closing the door so that he can try to rest.

▪️

Bucky drags a hand down his face and sighs. His VA group session’s just ended and he feels drained. It was intense, to say the least, as one of the former soldiers talked about her experience in Iraq, and Bucky’s mind quickly provided him with images of his own service. The session lasted two hours, and he’s been on edge during every minute of it. He’s also been feeling pretty low for the last couple of weeks, and that right now isn’t helping much.

Bucky closes his eyes, and lets out a long breath. He wishes he could see Steve now and push the violent memories to the back of his mind. It’s been almost three weeks now since he had crashed on Steve’s couch, and he misses the little guy. Bucky didn’t do anything to see him though… he figured Steve needs his space, keeping in mind that the blonde broke up with him, not the other way around. He can’t force himself into Steve’s life, and he has to respect the other’s decision. Still, he wishes he could just drop by and watch Friends with him again.

“You okay, Sarge?” Bucky looks up, surprised to sees Sam Wilson —the guy who runs their group. He doesn’t know how the man knows that he was a sergeant, but he figures it’s somewhere in his files. He quickly nods, hiding his initial surprise, and swallows audibly.

“Yeah, thanks.” Bucky tries to smile, but it falls flat. Wilson on the other hand, manages to send him a grin and clasps him on his right shoulder.

“I’m here if you wanna talk, man,” he pulls Bucky to his feet, and they start walking towards the doors. “Actually, I was gonna get a cup of coffee, you wanna join?”

Sam’s positive energy is radiating off of him and, well, Bucky feels slightly out of place. All he wants to do is crawl back into bed and never leave. “Thanks, but I think I’ll just head home.” Bucky shrugs and looks down. They’re leaving the building now and the summer heat makes him want to growl.

“Okay then! Next time, yeah?” He smiles easily, then looks around. “Which way are you headed?” Bucky nods his head to the right. “Me too.”

They start walking on almost empty — at least for Brooklyn — street. Bucky looks down, and kicks a rock down the sidewalk. He hates small talk. How did he do this before? He has no idea what to say, or what subject to approach. Talking about the Brooklyn summer heat seems dull even for him, but that’s all he can think of right now.

“So, how long you’ve been back?” Wilson seems unaware of Bucky’s internal struggle, and talks at ease.

“Uhh, about five months now.” He’s not sure though, as his time in the hospital blends into one long-ass period. Apparently he’d been there for a month, but for him it felt like a year. “You?”

“Over three and a half years now.” Bucky looks at him in shock.

It took him almost _four years_ to be this positive and just happy? God, he was thinking that he’d be up and running after a year, two years tops. Of course, Buck knows that recovering is a difficult process and everyone does it at a different pace, but holy shit.

“I know it seems long, but it’s not, trust me.” Wilson smiles at him, and Bucky thinks that the guy is really good at reading people. No wonder he works at the VA. “You do you, and everything will turn out just fine.” The guy squeezes his right shoulder, and they come to a stop. “That’s me. If you ever have a chance, grab a coffee here. It’s the best, I swear.” Sam smiles, and nods his head to the right.

Bucky looks up and his heart stops. Jane’s Coffee Shop. Of fucking course. A thousand and one thoughts start running through his mind as he stares at the sign. Steve works here. He could be in there right now. He could be right there, all Bucky has to do is go inside. His heart comes back to life, and starts pounding erratically. Should he come in and say hi? Or maybe order a coffee?

“Well, thanks for the walk. I’ll see you next week, yeah?” Wilson seems unaware of Bucky’s internal panic once again, and grins, before pushing the doors open.

“Yeah…” Bucky breathes, and quickly looks inside the shop.

It’s busy, with at least five people standing in line. There’s the girl that he saw there earlier at the counter. His eyes search the bar for that all too familiar blonde hair, and his heart lurches as he spots it. Steve’s standing at the coffee maker, finishing an order. He puts a lid on a to go cup and hands it to one of the customers. Bucky can easily see his profile now — the blonde smiles, and pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. The customer says something and his grin spreads even wider. Steve says something back, and then turns back towards the coffee maker.

Bucky blinks as the door closes right in front of him. He quickly steps back and takes a deep breath, feeling his heart in his throat. Steve’s right there. All he has to do is go in. Just go in, goddammit. But he can’t. His feet are rooted into the ground and he can’t move. He’s been feeling terrible lately and he’s not at all prepared to see Steve — his golden hair, easy smiles and deep blue eyes.

Besides, the shop’s busy, Bucky reasons. It’s not like the guy can just stop working to hang out with Bucky. He still doesn’t know if Steve even wants to see him. The last time, he was sick and he visibly just wanted company. They didn’t even talk that much for crying out loud, mainly because Steve simply wasn’t able to, but if he’s to be honest, he didn’t know what to say either. Bucky didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, so they settled on watching Friends.

Now… Well, now Steve is obviously feeling better and Bucky wouldn’t hold it against him if he didn’t want to see him. He keeps reminding himself that the blonde broke up with _him_ , saying it’s for himself and he just can’t be with Bucky anymore. He doesn’t know if that’s still true but he has to respect Steve’s decision.

And what if… _Oh God_ , what if he’s seeing someone? That’d be totally understandable as he’s an amazing guy and anyone would be lucky to have him. Sure, he gets sick a lot but it’s not his choice, and Bucky’d fight anyone who holds it against Steve. He has to admit that the blonde could have anyone he wanted… he’s funny, cute, knows what he stands for, has a heart three sizes to big for him, and, damn, he’s gorgeous. With his sky-blue eyes, sun-kissed hair, a jawline that could cut through glass, delicate yet strong at the same time hands, collar bones just daring you to admire them, and his voice, fuck, his voice. It’s deep and low, and just thinking about it makes Bucky shiver. Yeah, Steve’s definitely something else and he’s definitely not single.

Bucky’s heart sinks as the realization hits him. He’s all fucked up — having good days once a week, and that’s if he’s lucky. With the dark stubble on his face, hair up to his shoulders and metal arm for goodness sake… he shouldn’t even think about the ray of sunshine that Steve is, let alone wanting to be friends with him. Bucky still has nightmares more often than not, and he can’t remember when was the last time he slept through the night without waking up at least three times with sweat all over his body, struggling to take a breath. He has to see a therapist at least once every two weeks — calling in extra sessions almost all the time — and, even thinking about it causes his anxiety to rise. He can’t even function like a normal human being anymore, almost half a year out of his service, still without a job and crashing in his little sister’s guest room. He has to put himself and his life together, before he can even think of Steve.

With that, he finally shakes himself out of it, and tries to slow his breathing. Bucky clenches his fists and shakes his head. He is still standing outside Jane’s, so once he realizes he quickly turns around, and begins walking in the direction of the subway.

▪️


	13. The One Where There’s Even More Awkward.

**_A week later…_ **

Steve rounds the corner, and finds himself on Lee Avenue. He pulls his phone out of his shorts pocket, and quickly checks the time — he still has twenty minutes ‘till his shifts starts. He can already see Jane’s doors, so he slows down his pace and looks around. He’s right outside the VA, the huge building looming up in front of him. He wonders if Sam or Riley are inside.

Steve doesn’t know Sam’s schedule, not to mention Riley’s, and, he’s covering for Darcy, which means they don’t know he’ll be at the shop. He wants to send them a text, but he decides to do it once he’s inside — the summer heat is still in the air, so he wants to get out of it as soon as possible. He’s wearing beige shorts, and a white strapped top (Peggy swears it looks good on him, even though he still thinks it’s too loose and makes his bones stand up even more), and he’s still running hot.

Steve finally stops in front of the shop and steps inside. The air conditioning is in full force, and he exhales loudly. He spots Ian behind the bar, serving the only customer currently at the counter. Steve lifts his eyebrow looking at the customer, as they’re wearing a tight, white, long sleeve shirt and jeans. He has no idea how they’re not melting in this weather. The barista sees him, and waves a hand.   
  
“Steve, hi!” Ian quickly sends him a smile, while pouring two shots of espresso into a to-go cup. He closes the lid, and then hands the coffee over. “There ya go, enjoy!”

“Thanks.” The customer, still standing with his back towards Steve, mumbles and turns around.

That’s when Steve’s heart stop, and his insides turn upside down.

“B- Bucky?” he chokes out, taken by surprise. The other one doesn’t look as put off, however, as he sends a small smile towards Steve and puts a strand of his hair behind his ear.

“Hey,” he says, taking the cup with his other hand.

That’s when Steve notices two, well, three, things.

One…He’s huge. He’s always been fit and had a bit of muscles but now… Steve’s mouth waters. He looks ripped, with the hard lines of his abs visible under his well fitted shirt. It stretches on his chest and arms, and Steve’s brain shortcuts. His hair are long and wavy, almost up to his shoulders and he’s spotting a five o’clock shadow on his jaw. He looks like a greek sculpture, or a model, or basically everyone’s dream. Steve has no idea how could he not pay attention to it the first time he’s seen Bucky. Sure, he was sick and pretty much out of it, but the change is so obvious even a blind could tell.   
Two, his left hand, the one currently holding the cup, is in a black, leather glove.  
And three, his right hand isn’t gloved and there’s no ring. Which means he got married, and his ring is now on the left finger, right where it should be.

Fuck.

_Fuck._

Bucky’s married.

Bucky’s married, and it’s not to Steve, and his world’s just shattered into a million, tiny little pieces.

“Wha — Uhh, how are you?” His voice is high-pitched, and he swears inwardly.

It’s not like he didn’t already know that Bucky was engaged — I mean, of course he going was to get married. But, Steve just wishes… Well, he doesn’t know what, but he’s definitely surprised. He saw Bucky, what… a month ago? That’s quite a long time, and to get married you only need one day. Besides, it’s not like Bucky would’ve just called him and say ‘Guess what, Steve, I’m a married man now.’ They’re not as close as they used to be — they're not even friends anymore and Steve doesn’t have any right to act surprised that Bucky didn’t tell him. After all, he was the one to break up with the poor man, and he’s even said that Bucky should find someone. Why is he so shocked that the brunette actually did?

“I’m… alright, I guess.” He shrugs one shoulder, and looks at Steve, although the latter doesn’t make eye contact. His cheeks are a little flushed and Bucky can’t help but find it adorable. “You?”

“I — ahh… Yeah, thanks.” Bucky chuckles at that, the bastard, and Steve quickly realizes what he’s just said. “I mean, good, yeah, great.” He sighs and feels like a total idiot. Pull yourself together, Rogers.

“You guys know each other?” Steve blinks. He’s totally forgotten about Ian until just now. Goddammit, how does he explain how they know each other? _Should he say they’re friends? Acquaintances? Ex-boyfriends?_

“Oh yeah, sorry.” Steve feels his cheeks begin to burn, and he wants to disappear. “Ian, that’s Bucky. Bucky, Ian.”

“Bucky?” Ian cocks his eyebrow teasingly, and Steve low key wants to remind him he’s dating Darcy. Right after he reminds himself that Bucky’s married and, oh God, let’s not go that way again.

“It’s a nickname.” Bucky shrugs again.

“Figures. Well, it’s nice to meet you, Bucky.” Ian extends his hand, and the other man shakes it lightly.

“Likewise.”

“So how do you two know each other?” Ian leans on the counter, and looks between the two men standing in front of it. Steve feels all of the blood drain out of his face and his heart starts beating faster.

“We —”

“High school!” Steve blurts out, interrupting whatever Bucky was going to say, and his cheeks immediately flush once more. His palms are sweating and he just wants to get out of there. “We met in high school.” He repeats again, slower and calmer this time. He also pretends that he doesn’t see Ian’s look, or the way Bucky arches his eyebrow at him.

“Well, it was good seeing you again, Steve.” Bucky smiles at him, and then looks at Ian. “Good to meet you too.” He sends them both another small smile, and goes to leave the shop.

“See you man!” Ian yells after him, waving goodbye.

Once the door closes behind Bucky, Steve feels like he finally can breathe. He exhales loudly and wills his flush to go away.

“Okay Rogers, what’s the deal?”

“What?!” He looks at Ian in shock, his calm breathing suddenly gone again.

“Don’t give me that look, I can see right through you.” The guy points a finger at him and winks. “What’s with you and Mr. Tall and Mysterious?”

“He’s not… There’s nothing!” Is it getting hot in here? The air conditioning has definitely stopped working, as Steve can feel a hot flush going all the way down his neck.

“Jesus, Rogers, breathe.” Ian chuckles and shakes his head. “It’s fine if you don’t wanna talk about it, I just saw the way he smiles at you and oh, there’s definitely a story behind it.”

“The way he what now?!” Steve’s positive he’s dying. His chest feels small, his head’s spinning and he’s hot — too hot in fact. He quickly pats his shorts for an inhaler and takes two long breathes.

“Christ, you know you’re overreacting? Anyone ever told you you’re a bit dramatic?” Ian’s full on laughing know, and Steve hates him for it. He leans on the counter and runs a hand through his hair.

“We’ve dated, okay? Five years ago.” He mumbles, refusing to meet the other’s gaze.

“Ouch. Who ended it?” Ian pats him on the shoulder, immediately losing the teasing tone.

“Me.” Steve groans, and drags a hand down his face.

“Okay, what?! You broke up with Mr. Mysterious? Mr. Beefy-Broad Shoulders? Mr. Steel-Blue Eyes And Perfect Jawline? And the hair, Jesus Christ, Steve, are you out of your mind?” The surprise in his voice is evident, as he takes Steve by his shoulders and shakes him lightly.

“That was five years ago Ian, give me break.” He says resigned, then looks up.

“But Steve —“

“Drop it.” He interrupts, before straightening up. “I’m going to change.” He goes to the back to change into his uniform, hearing Ian mumbling new nicknames for Bucky to himself.

▪️

**_A few days later…_ **

Bucky walks into the drug store, holding Lily’s hand. He’s been sent to buy more vitamins, and he’d offered to go for Becca as a way of getting him out of the house. The pair of them find the right aisle, and browse the selection.

“Strawberry or orange?” Barnes asks.

“Uhh, strawberry… please!” His niece replies.

Bucky takes the bottle from the shelf, and they get into the small queue by the cash register. They stand together in silence, until somebody gasps behind them.

“I thought that was you!” He turns, and becomes faced with Peggy. “I didn’t know you were back.”

“Yeah, uh, a few weeks now.” Bucky mumbles.

She smiles, and then looks down at Lily. “Wow, is that your niece? Gosh, I haven’t seen you since you were a toddler.” Peggy remembers out loud.

“What’s your name?” Lily asks politely.

“I’m Peggy… I used to know your Uncle,” she smiles.

The girl looks deep in thought for a few moments. “Oh. Are you buying vitamins too?”

Peggy chuckles. “No, I’m picking up some medication for a friend.”

“Steve?” Bucky says with a pained expression, not thinking.

The woman opposite him raises an eyebrow… Bucky was rather quick to worry. “Yes. Just his inhalers.”

“Oh,” James replies, relieved.

Thankfully, it’s his turn to be served next. He says something to Peggy about how nice it was to see her again, and then hurried out of the store with Lily beside him. That was awkward, to say the least.

When they arrive home, Bucky goes into the guest room and shuts the door. He’s hoping to be alone, but a tiny knock proves otherwise. “Come in,” Barnes calls out.

Lily appears in the doorway. “Uncle Bucky?” She whispers, closing the door behind her.

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you something?”

He nods. “Sure.”

“Why do you keep wearing lots of clothes, even though it’s warm outside?” She walks over to the bed, and right up at him.

Bucky sighs. “You really wanna know?” Lily nods.

“Okay, well…” he takes off the gloves from his hands, and rolls up the sleeve, revealing the metal prosthetic. “I don’t really —“

“Wow!” Lily gasps. “That’s awesome… can I poke it?” She stares in awe.

James’ eyes widen. “It — it is? Uh, sure,” he replies.

Lily touches the metal, and then stares at it some more. “Why don’t you like it?” She tilts her head sideways.

“I think people would judge it.” He shrugs. “It’s not very nice to look at either.”

“Yeah, it is! It’s so _cool!_ ”

Bucky smiles. A small silence falls over the, until he speaks up again. “Can I tell you somethin’?” He asks, patting the duvet beside him for her to come and sit.

“Okay.” She says, jumping up.

“You know how I didn’t marry Brock?” Lily nods. “Well… I still like Uncle Steve. I saw him a little while ago, but I don’t know if he likes me. Should I go see him again?” Bucky isn’t sure if he’s telling her this because he trusts the kid, or simply because he hopes she won’t remember what he’s saying. But, he knows she’s a clever kid… and, really he hopes that she has a better solution than him.

A few seconds pass, and she looks to be in genuine thought. “Well, maybe you should just ask?”

“I think it’s too soon for that, kid.” Bucky chuckles lightly.

“You should see him and do fun stuff together! If he still loves doing fun stuff with you and hanging out, then he probably likes you. Do you love him?” Her innocent words still make Bucky want to tear up a little.

He manages a simple shrug.

“I think just see if you can be friends… I have friends. Oh! Can I tell my friend Peter about your arm? He loves science and robots!” Lily completely changes the subject, and Buck grins.

“Sure, you can tell him. Thanks for the talk,” he says.

She hops down from the bed, and skips out of the room. “Make sure you throw those gloves in the trash, Uncle Bucky!” She calls, before closing the door again and leaving him sat in silence once more.

▪️


	14. The One With Progress.

▪️

Peggy pushes the door to the coffee shop open, and smiles when she sees Steve behind the counter. It’s late afternoon, and there’s only one customer sat at a table with their headphones plugged into their ears. Peggy walks up to the counter, and hands over the paper bag.

“You’re a lifesaver.” Steve says, taking the bag. “Literally,” he chuckles to himself.

Carter rolls her eyes. “You shouldn’t forget these things!” She scolds him, and he sends her a sheepish half smile.

“I know… it’s just, I’ve had three new commissions and hadn’t realised there wasn’t anymore in the cabinet. I promise I won’t forget again,” he says.

“Good,” she smiles. “Now, where’s my coffee, huh?” Peggy smirks.

Steve shakes his head, smiling a little. He turns around, and begins making her usual for her. They stay in silence until he hands her the cup.

“So… I ran into Bucky today.” she says casually, taking a sip of her coffee and humming approvingly.

“You what?” he looks at her surprised and adjusts his glasses.

“Yeah, it was weird.” She shrugs one shoulder and smirks, seeing the curiosity in Steve’s eyes.

“Care to elaborate?” he leans against the counter, looking at Peggy intensely.

“He was buying some vitamins with Lily.”

“Peggy, _please_ …” he pleads, his voice sounding pathetic even to him, but he doesn’t care. Why was it weird? It’s not like he told her to never see Bucky again or something, and they were friends too, so why? Did Bucky say something? Did he mention Steve? He hasn’t told Peggy about seeing the brunette again, he’d been waiting for a good occasion. He figures it’ll be now, since they’re talking about the man.

“He asked if the prescription was for you, but the look on his face, Steve… He was so worried. A blind guy could say how relieved he was when he find out it was just the inhalers.” She raises an eyebrow, seeing a couple of different emotions cross the blonde’s face. “Do you want to tell me something?

“I just… I don’t know what to think, Pegs.” He runs a hand through his hair and sags his shoulders, finally relaxing a bit, now that he knows what happened.

“Well then, spill.” She squeezes his hand encouragingly.

“I’ve seen him, three times now, I think?” He gets lost in his thoughts for a second, then shakes his head and looks up. “Yeah… He came to the shop once, but he left as soon as I saw him. Then he came to my place when I was sick a few weeks ago. It’s not what you think!” He quickly exclaims, seeing her lifted eyebrow and a smirk on her face. “I lost my voice then, and we didn’t really talk. He just made some soup and crashed on the couch... we watched Friends, it was nice. He said somethin’ about wantin’ to be friends again but I was too out of it to say anythin’, y’know?”

He takes a deep breath and looks at her. There’s a crease between her eyebrows, but she nods, urging him to continue.

“Then he came to the shop again. It was just before my shift started and God, Peggs, he was all easy smiles and he looked so good. Ian was workin’ and he asked how we knew each other and I… I panicked and just said we met in high school. I didn’t even give him a chance to say anythin’ else. I was…” He takes another breath to calm himself, the images still fresh in his mind.

“And you don’t know what to think because…?” She drifts off, looking at him expectantly.

Steve hangs down his head and takes his glasses off. “He’s married.” He all but mumbles.

Peggy chokes on her drink and coughs loudly. _“Married?!”_

“Yeah…” he breathes and refuses to look at her when she takes his hand.

“Steve, darling, are you sure?” Her voice is quiet.

“Yes, I’m sure!” He takes a step back and sighs. She looks surprised with his sudden reaction, and he blames himself. “I’m sorry. It’s just… He’s married, I’m sure he is. I saw the band on his right finger the first time he came in here. Then when he came to my place he was wearin’ gloves all the time so I couldn’t see, but when he came here again… His left hand was gloved and there was no ring on his right, so…” He drifts off, rubbing his eyes which are starting to sting.

“Oh, Steve —“

“Don’t.” He interrupts her, putting the glasses back on. “I broke up with him, remember? It was a long time ago, and it’s not really surprisin’ that he met someone else. I mean, you know him. He’s a great guy, of course he’s married. I just — I don’t get it.” He runs a hand through his hair again, knowing it must look like a complete mess right now. “Why does he still care about me, Peggs?” The question comes out broken, a perfect reflection of how he feels.

“Of course he cares, Steve. He knows you.” She tries to soothe him.

“Well, I know him too but you don’t see me runnin’ to him when he’s sick, now do you? It’s been over five years, I wouldn’t even expect a phone call, let alone him to appear standin’ at my door. It’s messin’ with my head, Peggy. Even you said that… What am I supposed to think?

“Have you talked to Rebecca?”

“Of course not. What would I even say? ‘You’re brother seems to care a helluva lot ‘bout me, but he’s married, so what’s the deal?’” He groans and leans against the counter again. “I wanna be friends with him, but I just — I can’t go through that again, I can’t.”

“Steve, you don’t have to. Look, I don’t know the full story of what happened between you two, but if having him back in your life will only bring you pain, then don’t. He probably thinks you’ve moved on just like him. Just… think about what you need. Don’t make any rushed decisions.”

She squeezes his hand. “Thank you. Really, Peggy —”

“I know, I know. I have to go know, are you going to be okay?” She looks at him with concern in her eyes, and he sighs.

“Yeah, I am. Thanks.” He manages to give her a small smile.

“I’ll see you, Steve.” She pats him on the shoulder and leaves the shop.

He takes a deep breath, and goes through their conversation in his head. He knows he might be overreacting a little, but Bucky’s behaviour is really putting him on edge. He doesn’t know why the brunette acts the ways he does, and it’s making him anxious. Is he supposed to just accept the fact that Bucky wants to be back in his life and act like it’s nothing but friendship to him? It’ll kill him, he’s sure of it. What if Bucky wants him to meet his husband? That will happen once they’re friends again and his stomach makes a jump at the mere thought of it. He’d hate the guy no matter what, and that’s not what Bucky needs. He’d have to be supportive and pretend he doesn’t care. Everytime the guy would look at the brunette Steve’s heart would break, not mentioning the affectionate touches or kisses. He feels like he’s going to throw up. He thought he knew what he was doing when he broke up with Bucky, but now he’s not so sure of it.

The way the man acts around him… God, it drives Steve crazy. If the situation was any different he’d appreciate it, of course he would. But, the truth is, Bucky’s married and Steve doesn’t feel comfortable with the smiles the brunette continues to send him.

▪️

Bucky takes the navy cap off his head, and runs a hand through his long hair. He’s just stepped inside the VA building, in time for his group session. It’s now late in the morning on a Thursday, and he still wishes he didn’t have to drag himself out of his bed just to attend this meeting. He knows perfectly well how helpful the VA is… but, he’s just not a morning person.

Bucky goes further inside the entry hallway. It’s spacious, with comfortable chairs lined up near the light-blue walls and emergency exists visible from every part of the room. He turns to the receptionist desk, and waits for the girl to notice him. She quickly taps on the keyboard of her computer and then looks up.

“Hi, how can I help you?” She smiles, and focuses on Bucky.

He swallows and clears his throat. “I’m here for uh… Sam Wilson’s group meetin’?” He phrases it like a question. Again.

“Oh, yes. It’ll be in a room…” the woman looks down at the computer screen and frowns slightly. “104, but it looks like it’s postponed.”

“What?” He frowns now too, confused.

“Apparently Wilson got caught up in one of his private sessions. The group will take place just half an hour later. You can wait in here, if you want.” She nods to the chairs in the room, and sends him an apologetic smile.

Bucky sighs. “Thank you, I’ll come back. 104 you said?”

She nods and smiles yet again. He knows she’s just doing her job, but he’s still frustrated. He turns around and goes to leave the building. James steps outside the doors, pulling his cap back onto his head. He looks around, not knowing what to do with himself for the next half an hour. He could go the the Dyker Beach Park and wonder around. Or… He could go to Jane’s. It’s only a three minute walk and God knows he could use a cup of coffee. Steve could be there, his mind supplies, and yeah, he’s definitely going. It’s been more than a few days since he last saw the guy and, if he’s to be honest, he misses him.

Last time they saw each other it was at Jane’s, of course it was, and a shiver goes down his spine even thinking about it. He was relieved when he saw that Steve wasn’t working that day, but a little bit disappointed too. He’d just finished his group session, and had really wanted to see the blonde. When he turned around and saw Steve standing there in that white tank top and shorts, his heart leapt. He couldn’t help but smile at the surprise visible on the other man’s face. His heart was beating so loud he could hear it, but he willed himself to stay cool.

Steve was so adorably flushed from the heat outside, Bucky just couldn’t stop looking at him. All he wanted to do was to run his fingers through the blonde’s hair and hug him like his life depended on it. Instead, when he realized how anxious Steve was with the situation, he had decided to leave. Even he could tell how awkward it was, especially when that Ian guy had asked about how they knew each other.

So now, Bucky can’t help but hope Steve will be there again. He only has half an hour, so he can stay long… but, seeing the guy even for all of five minutes will be something. He quickens his pace, and finds himself outside of the shop’s door in no time. Barnes takes a deep breath, and then pushes the handle.

The door opens and Bucky steps inside. He’s glad that the shop isn’t busy — the morning rush has ended, and there is still a lot of time ‘till lunch. He looks at the counter but there’s no one there, so clears his throat and comes closer.

“I’ll be right with you!” He hears and smiles involuntarily. He’d recognize that voice anywhere. He turns around just in time to see Steve coming from the back of the shop.

“Bucky? H- Hi.” The blonde says, clearly taken aback. He lifts his right hand in a silent greeting, and waits until the other guy goes behind the counter.

Steve swallows and clears his throat. He wasn’t expecting Bucky, and he sort of wishes that the shop was busy. He’s still marvelling the fact that the brunette’s all beefy now and he has no idea what to say or how to act. Yes, they have already seen each other, and Bucky even came to his place when he was sick. But, this is different. Back then, Steve was sick, craved company and wasn’t really thinking. Now, however, he is at his best and Bucky is married. Married. It’s not something he can just push towards the back of his head, and pretend to forget.

“What can I get ya?” Steve says, pushing the glasses up the bridge of his nose, and looking everywhere but at Bucky.

“Gimme your best.” The brunette smiles, and reaches into his jeans pocket for his wallet. Steve notices that he’s yet again wearing a tight, crimson henley and a cap. His left hand is gloved, and the blonde’s heart sinks.

“Medium caramel macchiato?” Steve lifts an eyebrow, and Bucky feels like he could combust.

“You remember?” He asks shyly, not really believing. It’s been five years and Steve still remembers his favorite drink.

“Hard to forget somethin’ that terribly sweet, Buck.” His heart leaps again. He hasn’t heard Steve call him that in so long, he had no idea how much he’s missed it. He smiles softly, and looks up at him.

“I’ll take that, Stevie.” His voice sounds too affectionate even for him, and he swears inwardly, clearing his throat to mask his embarrassment. Steve frowns, but doesn't say anything. Instead, he clicks on the check out screen.

“That’ll be $4,39.” Bucky quickly gives a five dollar bill to him, and throws the change into the tip jar. Steve starts preparing his drink and he stays there, looking at the guy. He hasn’t changed that much. His hair’s a little longer, his bangs going slightly down and into his eyes, and he looks like he’s put a little healthy weight. He’s still the same skinny punk that Bucky fell in love with though, and he smiles fondly.

“So, how’ve you been?”

“Oh, uhh —” Steve looks at him and quickly averts his gaze. “Good, I guess.” He clears his throat, and pours some steamed milk into the cup. “Yeah, great. You?”

“I’m ahh…” Bucky chuckles and looks down. “Hard to say, really.” He shrugs one shoulder and looks up at Steve. “I’m back now. For good, I mean.”

His eyes look pleading and Steve wonders what he means. He’s said that he wants to be friends again, but doesn't it mean they should be honest with each other? And if that’s the case, shouldn’t Bucky tell him he got married? He’s just had the perfect opportunity, what with the shop being almost empty and what not.

“Good for you, Bucky.” He says, not really sure what else he’s supposed to say, and pours two shots of espresso into the cup. He finishes the drink with cream and caramel syrup on top, and then gives it to the brunette. “There ya go.” He smiles, but it feels forced.

He’s not really sure what they’re doing here. Of course he wants Bucky back in his life — but, the guy’s married, and he can’t push that pain away. Besides, the way Barnes acts around him… Steve’s not sure what he’s doing, but it only makes him feel worse.

“Thanks, Stevie.” He takes the cup with his right hand from the blonde’s, intentionally brushing their fingers. The barista gulps and quickly takes his hand away. Bucky knits his eyebrows together, but otherwise looks unperplexed. “Hey… I meant what I said about wantin’ to be friends again.” He searches Steve’s gaze, before continuing. “If you don’t want it, then just tell me, and I won’t push ya, promise. But…” He bites his bottom lip searching for the right words. “I wanna be there for ya, Steve. If you’ll have me.”

He shrugs, and quickly looks away. Bucky feels like he’s said to much, like he’s just put his heart out there. But, all that he said is true, and he had to admit it. He knows there’s little chance of them being together again, and the way Steve acts around him only convinces him that it won’t happen… but, he has to try to at least be friends with the guy. It seems like he can’t stay away from him for too long.

“Bucky…” the brunette looks up, scratching his neck with his left hand. It’s cold, and it helps to ground him a bit. “Can I think ‘bout it? I just—”

“Of course,” Bucky can’t help but interrupt. Steve’s eyes are full of confusion, and he hates himself for being the one who caused it. He has to remember that the blonde broke up with him, and so he shouldn’t be pushing. “I’m sorry, I just…” Miss you, is what he wants to say. Love you. Need you like never before. Instead, he bites his tongue and leaves the sentence unfinished.  
  
“I know, Buck.” He breathes.

He doesn’t know though. He has no idea what Bucky’s saying. His eyes look pleading and the soft smiles he keeps on sending Steve’s way only make his confusion deepen. He wants to be friends with the brunette, of course he does. But, it’s not as easy as it sounds. Bucky’s married, for crying out loud. He should be brushing his fingers with the guy he swore eternity to. He shouldn’t be looking at Steve with affection, he shouldn’t care this much.

He has no idea what to think. Bucky’ll never be his again, no matter how much Steve wants to pretend that’s not the case. No matter how much he wants to let the brunette back into his life, he knows it’ll only bring him pain. Sure, the moments spent with Bucky will always be the happiest of his life — but, then Bucky will go home to his husband, and Steve’ll be left alone with a gaping hole in his chest. He wants Bucky back, God, does he want him. He just isn’t sure he’ll survive the heartbreak over, and over again.

“I’ll leave you to it then,” Barnes smiles again, though Steve’s quick to notice it’s one of those sad, resigned ones. Bucky’s hand twitches with the need to hug the blonde, but instead he curls it into a fist and puts in the back pocket of his jeans. With his left hand he grabs the coffee cup and inhales the life-saving smell. “Thanks.” He takes a sip and straight-out moans. “God, Steve.”

The blonde just rolls his eyes. “You’ve got —” he gestures about cream that’s stuck on Bucky’s upper lip. The brunette licks it off and smiles easily.

“Thanks.” He looks at Steve, and is surprised to see his pupils darkened and a blush on his cheeks. He experimentally licks his lips and sees that the blonde’s eyes follow the movement. Huh. “Well, I better go now.”

“Yeah…” Steve’s voice sounds lower than usual, and he blinks rapidly, clearing his throat. His cheeks are still painted pink and he averts his gaze towards the floor, seemingly embarrassed. “Yeah, okay.”

“See ya, Stevie.” Bucky turns around and leaves the shop, adjusting the cap on his head.

“Yeah…” the blonde breathes and leans against the counter, dragging a hand down his face. He feels hot and can’t think of anything but the image of Bucky licking cream off of his lip vivid in front of his eyes. He groans loudly. _The_ _bastard_.

▪️


	15. The One With The Misunderstandings.

**_Five weeks later, the beginning of October._ **

The coffee shop has already been fully kitted out in Halloween gear by Darcy. Steve hadn’t dared ask her if it was too early — a customer did that a few hours ago, and well… if looks could kill.

He’s currently on his lunch break, and the break room is occupied by Jane right now — she’s on the phone to her son’s Doctor about something, so he didn’t want to disturb her. Instead, Rogers decided to just take a seat in the cafe itself. It’s also two pm now, and there’s a satisfying breeze entering the shop each time the door opens.

When the door opens this time, Steve doesn’t look up. Darcy is already working on the counter, and his break only began five minutes ago. He continues to draw, and sighs from the content feeling of having no allergies this afternoon. A few weeks back when it was too hot to keep the door closed, Steve was having troubles even after taking his meds… Jane had almost sent him home a few times, especially when the pollen was affecting his asthma.

“Steve! Uncle Steve!” An unfamiliar voice tears him away from his little bubble of concentration. He looks up, and catches sight of Becca. He snaps his sketchbook shut right away.

Then, he sees Lily. And, she’s running up to him much too fast to react to, and pretty soon he’s being bombarded by a hug. “Oh my gosh, you’ve grown so much!” Steve laughs, getting up out of his chair.

“I’m eight now,” she states proudly, her arms still wrapped around his waist.

He gasps. “No way! You’re definitely still two… right?” Steve jokes, and she laughs.

“Hi, Steve,” Becca casts him a smile, and he gulps.

“Hi…” Steve watches as Lily walks over to his sketchbook.

She goes to touch it, but then looks over at him. “Can I look?” Lily asks nicely.

“Uhh, maybe in a little while, sweetie. I’ve got to get back to work,” he tells a tiny white lie. Because. No, of course he wasn’t sketching Bucky.

She steps back, and goes back over to her Mom. “Uncle Bucky is outside… he’s shy,” Lily starts giggling, and Becca looks slightly awkward.

“Is he now?” Steve mumbles, picking up his sketchbook and walking around the counter.

Lily nods. “I like the decorations,” she comments.

“Thanks!” Darcy grins.

Becca orders their food and drinks, and then waves for her brother to come inside. He seems hesitant at first, but when he sees Steve that same smile comes back. _Dammit._

As soon as he enters the shop, Lily rushes over to hold his hand. She didn’t want him to wear the glove today, since he hasn’t been wearing them at home anymore… but, Bucky explained that maybe it’d take a little longer for him to be that comfortable in public. The kid is very understanding, and Bucky sometimes finds himself talking to her more than he does his own sister and therapist.

Steve puts his apron back on, and takes over from Mit’s Lewis. He gives Becca her order, glancing at Bucky who looks away. “Enjoy,” he mumbles, unsure what to make of this whole situation.

They sit at a table, and the whole time Bucky keeps looking over at Steve with a soft smile on his lips. Right up until they all leave, and Lily hugs him goodbye. Becca says that it was nice to see him again, and Bucky mumbles something of a ‘Thanks.’

▪️

Later that night, and Steve is absolutely exhausted. He’d offered to close up the shop for Jane, so she could go home to her son earlier than usual. It’s only him left now, and he’s just about finished roaring up. He locks the front doors, turning on the alarm, and is about to walk towards the direction of home, but he stops. Steve hears something that sounds like two people are having an argument, and he looks to his right to see a couple pressed up against the brick wall just a few metres away.

As soon as he sees the man raise his hand towards the woman, Steve knows he has to step in. “Hey! Everythin’ alright over there?” He calls out, his voice strangely confident.

“F — fine, Thanks.” The woman’s shaky tone replies.

Steve walks over there. He can smell the alcohol before he even gets within touching distance of the pair. “None of your business, pal.” The man snaps.

“Just makin’ sure you’re okay… you need me to call a cab, or anythin’?” He offers, looking the woman directly in the eye.

“No —“

“I said, piss off!” The man cuts her off.

He shoves her against the wall a little harder, and Steve places his hand on the man’s arm. “Don’t you think you should call it a —“ before he can finish his sentence, the man has let go of his girlfriend and shoved Steve directly in the chest. “Now, go mind your own business,” the gruff voice growls.

Rogers barely manages to get to his feet. “Let her go home. You should both sleep this off,” he wheezes.

The man starts laughing, clearly ready for a fight now, as all of his attention is on Steve. Rogers raises his fists in front of his face, but it’s no use., even when he tries to hit back. Steve keeps getting shoved, until they’re in the alleyway beside the shop. He gets pushed to the floor, and this time hits his head against the brick wall. His vision blacks out for a second and he can’t catch his breath. He reaches for his inhaler, his surroundings getting blurry... but, the guy simply laughs even louder and kicks it across the sidewalk. Steve tries to get up, but the guy kicks him straight in the ribs and he shouts as the pain radiates through him.

“Let’s go, honey.” The guy says, grabbing his girlfriend’s hand.

They run off around the corner, leaving Steve barely able to breathe, lying on the ground all alone. He tries to reach for his inhaler, but it’s too dark to see. The streetlamp a few centimetres to his right is just making his head hurt even worse, and he’s pretty sure his glasses are somewhere smashed on the floor too. He struggles to take a breath, and even the smallest one makes the pain in his chest unbearable. He feels a few tears slip down his face. This wasn’t supposed to be how his evening was going to go.

Steve manages to pull his phone out of his pocket. He isn’t sure who to call, his mind is too scrambled. He tries to unlock it, but he drops it when his hands are too shaky to hold it any longer.

“Oh my god, _Steve?!_ Is that you down there?” A friendly voice breaks through the high pitched whining that had just been ringing between Steve’s ears. “We gotta get you to the hospital!” Sam crouches down beside him, and takes his phone.

The rest of what happens is a blur to Steve. He knows that an ambulance arrives, because he hears the deafening sirens. He knows he gets inside the ambulance, but after that he blacks out.

▪️

Steve doesn’t wake up until the paramedics wheel him into the ER. He can vaguely hear them listening off his conditions, but he’s not listening to 5at. He needs something… he needs someone. “Bucky,” he mumbles. “Bucky?” Steve says, much louder this time.

“What’s that, Steve?” Sam is still by his side, as they arrive on the ER ward.

Nurses begin to poke and prod at him, but he’s not interested in all of that. He tries to take a breath, a sob escaping his throat at the pain it causes. “I need Bucky,” his eyes fill with tears. He can’t panic, not now.

“You need… wait, Bucky?! As in James Barnes?! _That_ Bucky?” Realisation suddenly hits Wilson all at once, as he finally gets what Steve is saying.

“Yes!” Steve chokes on a sob, as an oxygen mask if placed over his face.

Sam pulls out his cellphone. He has Bucky’s number due to the guy attending his meetings, and he’s sure he won’t mind him using it for personal use just this once. He has no idea that the two even knew each other, but if it’ll help Steve, then hell he’ll do it.

As soon as Bucky hears what’s happened, he tells Sam he’ll be right there. Wilson is shocked at the sheer concern laced through his tone, and wonders if maybe this whole thing is a little more intimate than he’d first thought. Barnes lives about a fifteen minute drive from the city hospital, and arrives as quickly as he can. He jumps out of his car, running at full speed into the ER main entrance… he almost starts w fight with the receptionist, who starts to question him on his relationship with Steve. Right now, he doesn’t even know if he has any relationship with the guy. All he knows, is that Steve’s in there, lying in a hospital bed all by himself and probably in so much pain he won’t admit to. His insides clench at the thought of Steve being hurt and having go through it alone.

Thankfully, she lets him past when he looks like he’ll cry and maybe start hitting the walls if he doesn’t get what he wants. Bucky speeds through the doors, and a nurse shows him to Steve’s bed. The poor guy is lying there gripping the sheets, his eyes shut tight. He feels the contents of his stomach in his throat and freezes for a second. Steve’s face is bruised and his chest in bandaged. His breaths are erratic and shallow, and it looks like he every breath he’s taking causes pain. Bucky knows exactly what to do, and soon he’s by his side, taking Steve’s hand into his own.

“Breathe, Stevie. In and out. It’s just me and you now, nobody else here.” He says close to his ear, taking his damp bangs out of his forehead, and immediately Steve relaxes his muscles.

He opens his eyes, and sees Bucky stood above him. Steve concentrates will all he can, and manages to sync his breathing in with Bucky’s after five minutes. Then, he’s finally calm again.

Sam of course, is completely still there. And, he now has the impression that the two have to be dating… because, that all seemed way too easy compared to the last time Steve was in hospital. But, before he can ask, Steve is asleep. Bucky takes a seat on his bed and keeps stroking his hand gently. He looks at Steve with affection, a crease still between his eyebrows. Sam clears his throat, and that’s when the brunette notices him.

“Sorry, I didn’t know you were there…” Bucky looks embarrassed, scratching his neck with his hand.

“Don’t worry man, I’m just glad Steve’s finally calm.” He shakes his head and comes closer. He leans on the bed frame and looks at his friend, concern still evident in his eyes.

“What happened?” Bucky whispers, his voice shaking slightly. He gently squeezes the hand he’s holding, reminding himself that Steve’s here, getting all the help he needs.

“Wish I knew… I found him in an alley behind Jane’s.”

Bucky’s breath catches in his throat and he blinks back the tears threatening to spill down his cheeks.

“How bad?” his voice is barely audible and he bites down hard on his lower lip to keep it form trembling.

“Other than his face? Slight concussion. And two broken ribs.” At that Bucky’s stomach turns upside down and a sob escapes his throat. He should’ve been there, he should’ve… “Stop. You obviously care about the guy, which, just to be clear, I had no idea about before, and I’m waiting for explanations. But worrying now won’t do you any good. There’s nothing you could’ve done, so quit it, and focus on him getting better instead.” Sam pats him on his shoulder and squeezes. Bucky nods, a lump still in his throat.

“Thanks, Wilson.”

“Hey man, anytime. And it’s Sam. I got a feeling we’ll be seeing each other a helluva lot more now.” Bucky tries to smile, but it falls flat. He nods instead. “Give me a call when he wakes up, yeah?”

“Sure, Sam. And thank you. For savin’ him.”

“No need, man. He’s my friend too, y’know.” With that, Wilson leaves the room leaving Bucky alone with unconcious Steve. He brings the blonde’s hand to his lips and gently kisses his knuckles.

▪️


	16. The One With Unspoken Words.

**_The next morning._ **

Steve had stayed knocked out for pretty much the whole night. They’d moved him into one of the main recovery wards about an hour after he’d calmed himself down, and the doctors had checked him over and finished all of their tests. They’d moved him onto his usual place he stays — meaning, his favourite nurse was there, and she let Bucky stay too. The nurse was coming in every few hours, to wake Steve up and check for any complications after concussion. Every time it happened, the brunette’s heart was racing, worrying sick about the other man. He’s fine though, as the nurse assured him and Bucky was finally able to get some shuteye.

He’s fast asleep in the chair beside the bed, when Steve opens his eyes. For a few moments, he doesn’t remember his whereabouts. But, then everything comes flooding back. Steve looks at Bucky, and a few seconds later he opens his eyes too. This is it. This is his chance to ask ‘what the hell is going on with you?!’

Rogers takes a deep breath inwards, ignoring the pain shooting through his chest, and removes his oxygen mask. He rests it atop his messy head of hair, still staring into Bucky’s eyes. “Buck…” Steve begins, but his voice is hoarse. Bucky hands him a cup of water. They’re both silent.

“Buck,” Steve continues, fiddling with the blanket he’s covered in. “Can you tell me what’s goin’ on? What’s really been goin’ on?” He asks, his voice quiet and nervous.

“What do ya mean?” Barnes questions, rubbing his eyes with his still gloved hands.

Steve sighs heavily. He might as well just say it all now. “You’re married. Yet you keep on comin’ back to me… like, you want to be with me? Is that true, or just tell me I’m bein’ insane. Tell me that much, Buck.” He says all too quickly, not looking up from the bandaged up IV connected to his hand.

He hears Bucky sigh heavier than he’d done just moments before. “I —“ then he stops. _How does Steve know about the marriage… and, why does he still think it’s on? Wait. The gloves. What if Steve had seen the ring, that day Bucky saw him for the first time again? Of course he’d still think it went ahead, because he’d just assume the ring has been underneath the glove his whole time._ “I didn’t get married.” His voice is lowered to a whisper.

“I know you’re in love, Buck. And, I’m not surprised. But, — wait, what?!” Steve backtracks, only now realising what Bucky has just told him. “Wh — why not?” He squeaks, struggling to take a breath.

James gets out of his chair, trying to stretch out the pains from sleeping upright all night. He doesn’t want to do this now… but, Steve deserves to know the truth. He owes him that.

“Bucky. Talk to me.” Steve gasps for breath a little, and James grabs his inhaler for him.

He sighs again. “You broke up with me, Steve. You owe me an explanation too, y’know. Did you even love me? If you ever did, then why did you leave?!” Bucky wasn’t expecting that to leave his mouth. He winces as soon as he hears what he’s just said and kicks himself mentally. Steve’s never given him a reason to doubt that, well, other than the break up that is. He gasps at himself, shocked towards his own choice of words and can’t force himself to look at the blonde.

Rogers seems equally as taken aback by this. His chest hurts even more now and he feels like Bucky’s just ripped his heart out. He knows he deserved it though. He should just tell Bucky the truth — after all, he didn’t get married, and maybe… just maybe they have a chance together again. But, even if they don’t and Buck truly does hate him for breaking up with him all of those years ago, Steve should still tell him the truth. He has to now. Bucky deserves at least that much.

“You wanna know the truth?” Steve feels his chest tighten just thinking about it. “You deserve better than me. You didn’t need to be worryin’ about me every second whilst overseas, and- and you deserve someone to share your life with who wouldn’t ruin your plans every single date night!” He feels himself begin to well up, and tries to blink the tears away. His stomach is tied up in knots and the pain from his chest is radiating through his entire body now.

At first, Bucky needs a moment to take all of this in. But, then he feels angry. “You didn’t think I deserved to have a discussion with you about this?! You just decided my feelings for me, Steve. What the fuck?” He starts pacing the room, trying to get all of the negative emotions out of him. He’s growing angrier by the second, but he wants to stay and get this sorted out once and for all.

“I did what was best for the both of us. You needed someone who could truly be there for you, and could keep you safe… I thought you’d finally found that.” Steve whispers, a complete opposite of how Bucky is acting right now.

Barnes stops pacing, and stands directly above Steve’s bed. “You just don’t get it, do you? Hell, I worried about you all the time overseas. I worried about you when we were together. But, that didn’t make you a burden. I cared about you, I didn’t mind if we couldn’t go to that stupid Cyclone that winter you caught the flu, or- or when we missed out on the stargazin’ ‘cause your allergies started actin’ up. I’d rather take you home and tuck you up in bed, cuddle beside you and know you’re happy.” He runs a hand through his hair and looks down. He feels like nothing he says matters anymore, like the blond has made up his mind all that time ago, and no matter what he says, he won’t change it. ”Steve... I didn’t get married. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t lie to myself, to him, to our families. I thought I loved him but… turns out I was in love with somebody else.”

Steve doesn’t hear the last part; he is so lost in his thoughts, crying silent tears. The kind when they just stream down your face, but you simply remain emotionless. Steve hadn’t realised it at the time, but he’d truly made the biggest mistake of his life — letting James Barnes walk out of that door. “I’m so sorry,” he sobs. “I should never have made the decision for us both… I — I didn’t do good enough. I never did. ” Steve hides his face in his hands, embarrassed at how pathetic he is. “I was never good enough for you.” He chokes out, the pain in his chest growing more and more every minute.

“Steve,” Bucky kneels down in front of the bed. “It is what it is.” He mumbles.

When Steve doesn’t stop hiding away, Bucky decides he might as well get everything out in the open. He takes off his gloves, and rolls up his sleeve. “Stevie, I haven’t been honest with ya. It seems we’ve both been livin’ some forms of a lie, and right now, we have to stay honest.”

He takes his hands away from his eyes, and sees the metal prosthetic. “Oh,” is all Steve can muster right about now. He wonders if Bucky has been feeling insecure about the prosthetic, and wants to tell him not to be. But, he can’t find the words and his eyes are growing heavier. Everything is getting blurry again, so he lies down. Steve’s breathing gets slower in no time at all, and he falls back to sleep.

Bucky is left kneeling by the bed still, his insecurities fully on show. He sighs, and stands up. “I’m in love with you, you idiot.” He whispers, sitting back down in the chair. There’s still time for Steve to know… there’s still time for him to find out, and then maybe they’ll be happy again.

He can’t help but realize that Steve didn’t answer his question though. His broken, pleading voice saying ‘Did you even love me?’ still rings in his head. He sinks onto the floor and hides his head in his hands. The cool metal is soothing, but it doesn’t stop the tears streaming down his face. He knows he shouldn't even question Steve’s love, but once it went past his lips, it’s all he can think about.

He’s sure the blonde loved him… he knows it. But, he hasn’t heard it in over five years, and now, that Steve totally left the question hanging… His head starts spinning and he chokes out a sob. Maybe the blonde loved him, once. But what if he broke up with Bucky because he didn’t feel that way about him anymore? Maybe that’s why he let him storm out of the doors, without a single sound or sign that he’d changed his mind.

Bucky hears a broken sound and realizes it came from him. All his insecurities came at him at once, and he puts his arms around his knees, squeezing tightly. The images of Steve and war come flashing in front of his eyes and he bites down hard on his fist to stop himself from screaming. How did this happen? They were so happy, and he was going to serve, just like his father did, and then pop out the big question to Steve. He knew exactly how he wanted to do it. He’d fly back to New York, take Steve to Coney Island and sink on his one knee on the beach during sunset. They were always watching the sun go down on the exact same spot at the beach, after a day spent on rollercoasters. Steve was always so happy, snuggled to Bucky’s side, kissing him lightly on his cheek.

How did they go from that, to Steve lying in a hospital bed, with broken ribs and a concussion... Bucky missing an arm and having a shitload of mental problems? They were so in love.

▪️

**_Four hours later.  
Just after midday,_ **

Steve had woken up about two hours ago, and agreed that Lily and Becca could come and visit — apparently, as soon as the kid had found out that’s where Uncle Bucky had gone last night, she wanted to come and see them. But, Becca has already texted Bucky to say they’ll be a while yet… with no explanation as to why.

They eventually turn up at half past two, and the pair can hear them coming down the hallway. Steve is glad that they’ll have some other company, since there’s been quite an awkward silence looming over them. Also, Bucky fell asleep a little while after Steve had woken up, and every other time they’ve tried to talk, a nurse has come in to take his obs. So… mostly it’s been a lot of interruptions, mixed in with short bursts of awkward silences. Great.

A few seconds later, and Lily is running into the room. She’s carrying a bear, and it has silver fabric wrapped around its arm. “Uncle Steve! I got you a Bucky bear!” She says, brandishing the cuddly toy up to him.

Steve smiles wide, and Bucky somewhat cringes. “Aw, Thanks, Lil!” He chuckles.

He takes it, and cuddles it tightly. Buck thinks he looks damn adorable… but, he can’t really say it aloud. Becca looks over at him, like she’s asking if he’s out but without words. He gives her a light nod.

“How’re you feeling?” She looks at Steve.

“Okay. I’m hoping they’ll send me home soon,” he hears Bucky and Becca both scoff in unison.

“I’d almost forgotten how stubborn he is,” she looks at her brother, who smirks.

Lily sits on the bed, and starts telling Steve all about her projects at school. He hasn’t seen her for so long, and god has she changed. She’s like a mini copy of Becca, with the exact same attitudes and intellect. “My favourite is art! I like drawing, and sometimes painting,” she continues.

“She plays the piano too,” Bucky adds.

“No way,” Steve says, looking at the proud Uncle.

Lily nods enthusiastically. Then she realises something. “Uncle Bucky, your cool arm is showing!” She grins a gap toothed smile. “Isn’t it awesome?” She whispers to Steve.

He smiles too. “Yeah, I think it’s awesome. It’s not something to hide… makes him look like a superhero, don’t ya think?” Lily’s eyes widen with excitement.

“Yeah! To save the world!” She exclaims.

Bucky looks bashful, and stares at the floor. “Thanks,” he mumbles.

The family each take it in turns to catch up for the next couple of hours. It’s actually extremely content, and everybody is happy. Even Bucky forgets about his previous sadness, and really sparks up conversation. Becca and Lily end up going home at around five, because they all start to get sleepy and hungry.

They hug goodbye, and Bucky tells Becca that he’d like to stay with Steve for a little longer. He walks them to the exit, and then goes down to the cafeteria. Bucky grabs some food and tea, remembering Steve’s favourite flavour cake when he’s there. He hopes that maybe they’re starting to become friends again… and, he wants to stay with the guy until he’s better. Maybe even after that too.

▪️


	17. The One With The Pumpkin Patch.

**_One week later.  
9th October,_ **

Sam opens the door with his spare key and shuffles inside as quietly as he can. “Steve?” He calls out, toeing off his shoes, and when he doesn’t hear a reply, he goes straight to the kitchen to leave the bags he’s holding.

He’s visiting Steve, as the guy is still bedridden after the fight. It’s been a week, and they let him go after three days, but his ribs are still healing, so he’s been advised to stay at home and rest. Sam knows Steve though, and he knows that the blonde will try to at least work on a few of his commissions. He’s also sure the guy won’t take proper care of himself, so that’s why he’s brought groceries with him.

Sam puts the bags on the kitchen counter, noticing the clean dishes are on the dryer. He cocks his eyebrow, but figures that maybe Steve had also had other visitors. He goes back to the entry hall and leaves his jacket and a thick scarf. He knows it’s only October, but he won’t let the weather fool him and get sick, thank you very much. After doing that, he goes further into the apartment. He stops in the living room, which is also pretty clean. The comforter is neatly folded on the couch and there aren’t any papers or tissues lying around. He frowns, seeing Steve’s laptop missing from his desk. He sighs, realizing the guy must be working in his bedroom.   
  
He tiptoes to Steve’s bedroom, seeing the door is ajar. The guy peaks inside, and sure enough, Steve’s lying in bed snoring softly, his laptop and a few papers lying around him. He sighs, retreating, and closes the doors quietly after himself. Sam then goes back to the kitchen to put the groceries in the fridge. He’s surprised to see it’s not empty, which only convinces him further that Steve’s had other visitors before him. Wilson smiles to himself, happy that the blonde’s got friends who look after him. He stocks the fridge with everything he’s bought, leaving out only the things he needs to cook Steve’s favorite pasta. He puts his phone on the kitchen counter meaning to play some music, but then decides against it, so as not to wake the other man. He puts a pot filled with water on the stove and then chops up the vegetables, whilst waiting for water to boil. Once it does, he throws in the pasta and waits for it to be cooked. Then, he fills a pan with vegetables and the cooked pasta, seasoning it and pouring on some olive oil. When it’s all nicely cooked, he covers the pan with a lid, not wanting it to cool down too quickly.

After Sam’s done in the kitchen, he takes his phone and pads to the living room, then stretches out on the sofa, wanting to check his emails while waiting for Steve to wake up. As soon as he pulls up the app though, he hears movement behind the bedroom door, and the blonde emerges, wearing loose sweatpants and a sweatshirt that’s way too big for him. His hair is disheveled, his glasses low on the bridge of his nose, and he jawns, wincing at the pain it causes to his ribs.

“Afternoon!” Sam chuckles at the view.

Steve jumps, startled. “Sam?” He smiles lazily, then indicates his left ear. “Gimme a sec.” He retreats to the bedroom to get his hearing aid, then comes back to the living room. “What’cha doin’ here?” He pads over to the couch, then sinks onto it.

“Came to see how you’re doing, man,” he shifts, facing the blonde now. “You good?”

“Pretty much, yeah.” Steve shrugs, running a hair through his hair. It’s no use though, as it still sticks out in all directions.

“Enough to be working?” Sam lifts his eyebrow, and the blonde looks down, admitting to being caught.

“I gotta finish this one, Sam, it’s good money.” He mumbles as an explanation.

“Y’know you could say you’re healing an injury? They’d understand.”

“I’ve gotta make a name for myself, now don’t I? Bein’ sick all the damn time won’t help.” He crosses his arms, clearly frustrated, and leans back.

“Having a concussion and your ribs broken isn’t ‘being sick’ Steve.” Sam says, his voice stern and reprimanding.

“Can we not talk ‘bout this right now?” He sighs, closing his eyes.

“Suit yourself.” Wilson replies, knowing that making Steve see sense is a lost cause. “Made you dinner, should still be warm.” He changes the subject quickly, wanting to get rid of the tension.

“Thanks.” The blonde smiles gratefully, standing up. He goes to the kitchen, then comes back with two plates filled with pasta. He hands one to Sam, sending him a small smile when the man nods his thanks.

“So,” Wilson starts, taking a mouthful. “I see you got some help here.” He makes a gesture with his hand, indicating the place.

“Oh, I — Yeah.” Steve nods, digging into his plateful.

“Peggy?” Sam continues, even though he knows the answer.

“Yeah, she came by. Thanks for rattin’ me out, by the way.” Steve sends him a dirty look.

“Always a pleasure.” The man replies unperplexed, grinning.

“Also uh… Bucky. He’s been here too.” Steve looks down, his pasta suddenly the center of is attention, as he sees Sam’s fork stop midair and his eyebrows raise.

“What’s the deal with you two? A genuine question, man. He was real worried at the hospital, so naturally I figured there’s a story behind it.”

“We — We dated, a while ago.” Steve mumbles, not meeting the other man’s eyes, then takes a mouthful of food again.

“What do ya mean? Wasn’t he in Afghanistan for like, five years?” Sam lifts his eyebrow, looking at the blonde intently.

Steve sighs. “Before that.”

“It still doesn’t explain shit, Steve… I mean, he was engaged when he first came to my group!” He furrows his brows, trying to make sense of at least some of it.

“Okay, look…” He lets out a breath, wincing slightly at the pain in his chest, then puts away his almost empty plate. “Long story short, we met in high school and were together for a coupla years. Then we broke up and he shipped off. He met a guy, came back, got engaged, but didn’t marry him in the end. We somehow reconnected and now we’re just friends.” He shrugs, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“That didn’t seem like ‘just friends’ in the hospital, Rogers.” Sam narrows his eyes.

“What do ya want me to say? I can only speak for myself.” Steve huffs, taking off his glasses and clearing them with a hem of his sweatshirt.

“Speak for yourself then.” Sam replies, all matter-of-factly.

“I don’t remember much.” The guy emphasizes the last word, putting his glasses back on.

“It took you literally thirty seconds to relax when you realized he was there, Steve, what the hell?”

“I’m just used to him bein’ there!” Rogers exclaims, defending himself.

“He hasn’t been here for five years, Rogers, you gotta do better than that.” Sam cocks an eyebrow, his expression unreadable.

“For fuck’s sake, Sam, I love — loved him, okay? I loved him, so course I’d relax knowing he’s there!” The blonde says in a snappy tone, the pain in his chest being harder to ignore as his breathing becomes quicker. He takes a few breaths, calming himself down.

There’s a tension between them again as they sit in silence for a couple of minutes. Steve rubs his eyes, resting his head on the couch with a drawn out sigh.

“Love, huh?” Sam breaks the silence, looking at the other man knowingly, a smirk dancing across his features.

“Shuddup.” Steve mumbles, shaking his head.

Sam chuckles, giving him a light punch on the shoulder. “I’m here, man, whenever you’re ready.”

“I know.” He shakes his head slightly, smiling softly. “Not now, though.”

“Okay, then.” Wilson smiles, standing up and taking the plates to carry them back to the kitchen.

He comes back to Steve sitting cross legged on the couch, still resting his head against it. “I did groceries, so you better take care of yourself, yeah?” Sam pats the blonde on his shoulder, and the man nods his head. “I’ve gotta get going. Someone has to run your boy’s meeting.” He laughs, hearing Steve groan exaggeratedly.

“Thanks, Sam.” The blonde stands up and goes with the other man to the entry hallway. He waits ‘till Wilson puts his shoes and jacket on, then stops him, putting a hand on the other man’s shoulder. He furrows his brows, not knowing how to phrase it, as not to offend his friend. “Hey, uh…”

“Don’t.” Sam interrupts, before Steve has a chance to continue. The other man frowns, but Wilson only smiles. “I know what you wanna say. Don’t worry, man, over there, he’s one of my fellow veterans… not your ex-still-loved-boyfriend.”

“Hey!” Steve narrows his eyes, but Sam only laughs, shaking his head.

“Said it yourself, man.” He chuckles, then leaves the apartment, closing the door behind himself. Steve turns the lock, then leans against the doorframe, sighing. The word “ex” causes a painful pang in his chest.

▪️

Bucky knocks on the door of Steve’s apartment, and waits for him to answer. He’s been coming by for the past two weeks that Steve has been out of hospital — dropping off groceries, staying to talk, helping him with medicines and things. They’re slowly but surely becoming quite comfortable in one another’s presence again, and it’s such a relief for the both of them.

Whilst he’s waiting for Steve to come to the door, Buck feels his phone vibrate from inside of his pocket. He checks the message, and sighs from annoyance. He was going to ask Steve out for coffee, but Becca has just text him letting him know that she’s been called into work.

“Hi,” Steve’s voice makes Barnes jump a little, and he looks up from his phone.

“Hey,” he smiles. “I was gonna ask you if you wanted to come for coffee… but, Becks just text me askin’ if I can drop Lily back at school — she had her shots this morning.” He explains.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Rogers asks.

Bucky frowns slightly. “You sure?”

Steve nods. “Let me just get changed,” he says. “Come in.”

Barnes steps inside, and waits for Steve to get ready. He walks into the living room wearing jeans a navy sweater this time, and puts on his shoes. “Ready?” Rogers calls, moving towards the entry way.

Bucky walks up to him. “Missin’ somethin’?” Bucky raises an eyebrow.

Steve looks confused, but then Buck hands him his inhaler. “Oh, thanks,” he mumbles sheepishly.

Bucky shakes his head, as they both exit the apartment. The pair walk out onto the sidewalk, and then they grab a cab to get back to Becca’s house. The second they arrive she has to run off, so Steve goes into the living room. He finds Lily watching TV, cuddling a bear.

“Did the shots hurt?” Steve asks, sitting down beside her.

She turns her head, not realising that he was there. Lily immediately hugs him. “Not too much,” she replies.

Bucky wanders into the living room next. “So… I was thinkin’,” he begins. “How about we go to that pumpkin patch you told me about, Lils?”

“I don’t have to go back and do math?!” Lily gasps happily.

Barnes shrugs. “What do you say?” He grins.

“Yeah!” She jumps up, running to the door and grabbing her wellies.

Steve stands up, and switches off the TV. “Becca is gonna yell at you,” he smirks.

“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her,” Buck mutters, and leaves the room.

They pile into the spare car, — Becca insured Bucky on it when he got back — and Lily gets Steve to sit in the back beside her. She tells him all about her new art project at school, and how you have to draw love. She says she’s going to draw a surprise, and that he can come and see it when the teacher opens their evening art exhibition.

About half an hour later, and Buck parks the car at the side of a field. It’s pretty much deserted, most likely due to everyone being at school. They all get out of the car, and Bucky helps Lily get her coat, hat and scarf on. “You too,” he hands Steve a light blue scarf.

Once everyone is wrapped up, they climb over the wooden gate and jump down into the field. It’s quite misty, but the pumpkins aren’t hard to miss. They’re scattered all over the place, and some are big enough for Lily to sit upon. She runs up to one, and calls for Steve to come and see. They run around together, laughing. Bucky snaps a few photos on his phone… which feels strange. Having candids of Steve in his camera roll again is something he’s missed.

“I want this one! It’s tiny,” Lily says, cooing to the smallest pumpkin on the ground.

Bucky wanders over, but then he stops. He takes his right hand out of his coat pocket, and holds it palm upwards. “It’s rainin’,” Barnes observes aloud.

Lily takes a lollipop out of her mouth — apparently she’d had one in her pocket from the Doctor — and looks up at the sky. “Oh no, Steve, go to the car!” She yells, grabbing his hand. “You might get sick!” She exclaims.

Bucky shakes his head. “You go too, and I’ll bring the pumpkins.” He instructs.

Steve gives Lily a piggyback to the car, whilst Buck takes care of which pumpkins she’d wanted. He carries them back, and carefully places them in the trunk. When he peeks through the window, he smiles. The pair are fast asleep already.

He makes sure he drives back to the house slowly, and avoids the bumps in the road. When Bucky parks the car, he checks the mirror to make sure they haven’t woken up — and, sure enough they haven’t. Bucky gets out, and goes to unlock the door. He carries Lily inside next, and puts her down on the couch. When he gets back outside, Steve is slowly waking. He rubs his eyes, and Buck offers him his right hand to help him out.

The second Steve takes it, they both feel butterflies. But, of course they both ignore them too. They all hurry inside before the rain can get them soaked, and Bucky turns on the central heating. He goes into the kitchen to make hot cocoa, whilst Steve dries off by the radiator.

“Uncle Steve?” Lily mumbles sleepily, peering over the couch. “Are you okay?”

Steve looks up, not realising that she was awake yet. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he shakes his inhaler before using it. “Just asthma.”

“Okay,” she accepts his answer, and flops back down onto the cushions again. He smiles looking at her lying down, exhausted. He thinks how much he’s missed her for the last five years. She’s gotten so big and smart, and sassy just like her mom and uncle.

“You okay?” Bucky stands in front of Steve, cocking an eyebrow at his fond expression, and giving him a steaming cup of hot cocoa.

“Yeah, I just…” He points his hand in the direction of Lily and shrugs, his cheeks just a little bit of pink. “Nevermind.”

“Come on.” Bucky bumps his shoulder and goes to sit next to his niece. He takes a blanket that’s draped over the back of the couch and throws it over Lily. She tucks herself under and takes the cup from him.

“Thanks!” She grins at him, then rests her head on his shoulder. Bucky puts his right arm around her and hugs her tightly, giving her a quick, loud kiss on the forehead. She giggles and looks at Steve who’s still standing near the heater. “Come on, Uncle Steve, we’re gonna watch a movie!” She exclaims happily, taking a sip of her cocoa.

“Oh yeah?” Steve smiles, and sits next to her. “Which one?”

She pulls her eyebrows, deep in thought, then sighs loudly and looks at Bucky. “I can’t decide.”

“Frozen or Moana?” The brunette narrows it down for her, standing up and going to the DVD shelf next to the TV, on the opposite of the huge couch. He lifts both movies up, and looks at Lily expectantly.

“Frozen!” She almost jumps, her eyes going wide with excitement.

Bucky smirks, looking at Steve. “Or…” he digs in the shelf again, pulling out nothing else, but “... _Little Mermaid!_ ” his heart lurches at the sight of the blonde’s eyes going wide in shock. He knows damn well it’s Steve’s favorite Disney movie, and if he wants him to realize that Bucky still cares, then well, what can he do.

Lily looks at Steve, grinning as she sees his surprised look. He turns to her, his blue eyes a silent plea. “Little Mermaid it is, Uncle Bucky.” She says, smiling knowingly, as she lays her head against Steve’s shoulder. He hugs her as she covers him aight her blanket.

Bucky puts the DVD into the player and turns the TV on. He turns around and a soft smile appears on his face, his chest swelling as he sees Steve and Lily hugging tightly on the couch, both of them with steaming cups and bright eyes. He shakes his head fondly and sits next to his niece, pressing ‘play’ on the remote.

They watch both Frozen and Moana after the first movie ends, taking a break only for lunch and dinner. The three of them end up spending the entire afternoon on the couch, Lily taking turns in hugging both Steve and Bucky. When the credits of Moana start rolling, the brunette stands up and stretches. His left side is killing him from spending this many hours in one position, but he wouldn't want to spend this day any differently if he had a chance. It’s been perfect. He forgot how much he loved spending all day with Steve and Lily.

Bucky lets out a deep breath and turns to the couch. Both Steve and Lily are asleep, the blonde keeping the little one close to his side. Bucky can’t wipe the fond expression off his face. His hand aches to take out a phone from his pocket and snap a quick photo to send Becca. He decides to to just that — after all, he only wants to share it with his sister. He takes a quick snap, and tucks the phone back into his jeans.

Bucky crouches next to Lily and scoops her in his arms. She doesn't even stir as he lifts her up, and goes upstairs to her bedroom. He gently places her on the bed, glad that he made her change into her pajamas earlier. Bucky takes a lock of her hair off of her face and kisses her forehead softly. He knows Lily misses Steve too. She doesn’t remember him all that much, but he was present since the day she was born, and he’s always been family to her. She’d never called Brock an Uncle. She was always polite, but not once did she say “Uncle Brock.” With Steve though… He smiles, biting down on his lower lip. He leaves the room, turning off the bedside lamp and leaving the door ajar.

Bucky hears the slight creek of the front door as he comes down the stairs. He stops in the hallway, casting a quick glance at pile of blankets on the couch in the living room, and comes face to face with Becca. She doesn’t see him at first though, she’s still in the little entry room, hanging up her coat on the wall and taking off her shoes. She turns the lock in the doors as quietly as possible, and then turns around.

“Bucky,” she whispers, slightly surprised. She lifts an eyebrow as she sees a soft smile on his lips, with a slightly dazed expression. “Everything alright?”

He nods quickly. “Yeah, we’re good.”

Becca comes closer, and hugs her big brother. “So, how was school?” She keeps one arm curled around his shoulders as they’re both facing the living room now.

“Yeah, we didn’t go.” He mumbles, and looks down.

“What?” The arm on his shoulder tightens, as her voice becomes stern.

“We went to that pumpkin patch.” Bucky refuses to meet her gaze, scratching at the back of his neck.

“James Buchanan Barnes.” Becca crosses her arms and, _oh_ , if looks could kill.

“Look, she wanted to go there, okay? She told me about it a while ago and I thought I could be a fun Uncle for once. Besides, Steve went with us.” He admits quickly, and finally looks up at her.

She cocks an eyebrow. “Oh, Steve was with you now? So, is he staying the night?” Bucky wishes he could wipe the smirk off of her face.

“’s not like that, Becca, you know it’s not.” He says in a resigned voice, a quiet sigh escaping past his lips.

“You wish it was though, don’t ya?” She bumps his shoulder, and sends him a knowing smile along with a wink. Bucky rolls his eyes.

“Stop, Becks. I ain’t gonna push him, you know that. I’m good right where we are.” He admits quietly, and if his heart sinks a little at that, nobody has to know.

“Sure you are Buck, sure you are.” She shakes her head and squeezes his shoulder. “I’m going to bed. Help yourself to anything you want. William’s on a night shift so don’t be surprised when he comes inside in the morning, yeah?” She gives him a quick peck on the cheek, and goes upstairs.

Bucky watches as his sister goes into Lily’s room. He takes a deep breath and smiles to himself. Today was good after all. Sure, he didn’t get a chance to take Steve for a coffee… but, buying pumpkins with him and Lily had felt so domestic. He could get used to it.

Bucky steps into the living room, and sits on the couch beside Steve. He gently runs his hand through the blonde’s hair and a soft smile appears on his face. His thoughts travel back to the pumpkin patch. When he had been paying for their chosen vegetables, after Steve and Lily went back to the car, the vendor told him that they make a cute family. Bucky froze at first, his breath leaving him at once. But, the guy just said that they all obviously love each other and he loves seeing families like that. Bucky’s first reaction was to correct him, but the vendor just waved a hand at him and handed him their pumpkins.

Bucky’s pulled out of his thoughts when Steve fidgets and his breath catches. The brunette is quick on his feet, taking his hand away from the other’s hair.

“Buck?” Steve mumbles, rubbing his eyes.

“Yeah, Steve. Come on, let’s get you to bed.” He offers his hand, but the blonde just hides under the blanket.

“No.” He turns around.

Bucky sighs and crouches beside the couch. “Come on, Stevie.”

“Buck…” he whines, and refuses to open his eyes.

“I can carry ya, ya know.”

A bit of silence. Then, “Fine.” Steve growls and gets up. He puts the blanket over his shoulders, and Bucky steers him toward the spare bedroom. He pulls down the covers, making room for Steve and turns on the bedside lamp. Buck then goes to his drawer, pulling out an old army t-shirt and a pair of grey sweatpants. He knows they’ll be too big for Steve, but that’s all he has. He tosses them on the bed next to where the blonde’s seated.

“You good or need any help?”

“I got it.” Steve mumbles sleepily and lets go of the blanket.

“Right,” he replies hesitantly, and takes his own pajamas. Bucky quickly goes into the bathroom to change, and comes back to the guest room. Steve’s already changed, his jeans and sweater lying neatly folded on the floor, noth glasses and hearing aid on the nightstand. He looks at the blonde who’s already tucked under the sheets, a soft smile creeping on his lips. “G’night, Stevie.”

“‘Night, Buck.” His voice is barely audible, as he’s almost asleep.

Bucky goes to leave the room, but stops in the door frame. He looks back at Steve, who’s fully covered with bed sheets right up to his nose, and hugging his pillow tightly. The brunette swallows hard, and then turns to leave the room again. He goes back to the couch, and tries to find a comfortable position. His legs are too long to stretch them out, so Barnes tries lying curled up on his right side instead. He closes his eyes and tries to control his breathing, but he knows he won’t fall asleep tonight. Not with William working ‘till morning, and Steve sleeping over. If anything was to happen… He shudders, and takes in a sharp breath. _Yeah, no sleep for him._

▪️


	18. The One With Tears, Regrets and Promises Too.

Steve wakes up a few hours later. He blinks a couple of times, trying to remember where he is. His mind quickly supplies him with memories of Bucky and Lily at the pumpkin patch, and he pats the right side of the bed in search of certain someone. To his disappointment, he finds it empty. He presses his head into Bucky’s pillow to feel his scent and inhales deeply. It smells like mahogany teakwood mixed with coconut and something so Bucky his heart falters. He missed it. God, he missed it. His heart clenches and a sob escapes his throat. He fists his hand in the bedsheet and tries to calm his breathing.

The last time he and Bucky actually slept in bed together was over five years ago, and the scent on Bucky’s pillow only reminds him of the most stupid thing he’s ever done in his whole damn life. He tries to relax his muscles but it doesn’t work, so he curls up on his side. Another broken sound escapes from his lips as the memories of Bucky come playing in front of his eyes. He presses his face into the pillow to muffle the sounds. He knows he’s pathetic, crying after the brunette won’t make any change. But, he cries nonetheless.

He misses Bucky so much, in everything he does. He misses Bucky’s post-it notes that were reminding him to take his medicine. He misses Bucky’s sci-fi books and magazines in every corner of the apartment. He misses taking Bucky’s sweaters and sweatshirts, and wearing them even though they were three sizes too big. He misses Bucky fussing about the fact that Steve’s left the window open again, and “seriously Steve, you’re just asking for pneumonia!” He misses the way Bucky’d smile at him like he’d hung he stars in the sky. He misses the way Bucky’d talk all excited about something only he finds interesting. Hell, he misses the way Bucky’d spread out on the couch, one arm behind his head, the other making circles on his stomach, and look at Steve through his eyelashes. That look made Steve’s knees go weak so many times he can’t even count. He bites down on his lower lip to keep it from trembling.

Steve hears the sound of the door being opened, and that’s when he realizes that he’s been gasping for breath. He tries to calm himself, but that doesn’t work. Bucky silently goes into the room, and quickly finds himself beside the guy.

“Stevie, hey, what happened? Breathe with me, come on.” He starts rubbing circles on Steve’s back with his left hand, pressing the blonde’s palm to his right wrist, so that he can feel his pulse. They breathe together for a while, and only when Bucky’s sure Steve won’t hyperventilate, he lets go of him to find his inhaler. “There ya go.” he whispers, putting the medicine in Steve’s hands.

The blonde inhales, and his breathing gradually goes back to normal. His eyes are still shut and he’s curled up. Bucky starts rubbing his shoulder, murmuring reassuring words towards him.

After a while of silence, Steve’s finally calm enough to open his eyes without tears streaming down his cheeks. “Thanks, Buck.”

“Always, Steve.” He squeezes the blonde’s shoulder and stands up.

Steve quickly straightens up, and grabs the brunette by his wrist. “Bucky… Can you- I mean, you don’t have to, but…” he sighs and shakes his head. His eyes are still glistening with tears, the deep blue sending shivers down Bucky’s spine, even in the dark.

“Anythin’, Steve. What do ya need?” He murmurs, sitting back down and gently brushing the blonde’s bangs out of his eyes.

“Stay?” His voice sounds so broken and insecure that Bucky’s heart practically breaks in two. He wants to hug Steve and never let go. He wants to lie down beside him, scoop him in his arms and make sure he’ll never have nightmare again. God, he wants to press a kiss to Steve’s forehead and assure him that he’ll be there for him as long as the blonde’ll let him.

But, he _can’t_. He can’t stay in one bed with him. Hell, he can’t even stay in the same room. He’s afraid he’ll fall asleep, have a nightmare, then start trashing and hurt Steve in the process. He knows how his nightmares get. He’s woken up a lot of times covered in sweat, tangled in the sheets, biting down on his metal fist to stop the screaming. Hell, he can’t even count how many times William’s woken him up because Bucky was shouting so loud. He has a vivid memory of that one time, when William was lying on the floor, because he tried to wake him and Bucky had thrown him across the room. He’ll never forget the horror painted upon his brother-in-law’s face. After that, he’d locked himself in the spare room for a week, refusing to see anyone until his therapist forced him to come to his session.

So yeah, staying in one bed with Steve? Not possible. Even if his nightmares weren’t that dangerous, he dreads the look on the blonde’s face when he’ll eventually see the full prosthetic. Steve’s only seen it up to his elbow and for Bucky it’s more than enough, thank you very much. He knows he’s overreacting but he’s not ready to show the blonde the full arm. Especially not the part where it’s joint to his flesh. The scars are pink, deep and ugly. The first time he’s seen it, he found it repulsive, and that was his arm. He doesn’t even want to think about the look on Steve’s face when he sees it. He knows Steve won’t probably care, but to him it doesn’t matter. After the IED his body is one big mess and he’s not proud of it. So, he’ll stall for as long as he can. Besides, being hugged by the arm is not exactly comfortable. It’s cold, hard and heavy, and he avoids using it when he’s with Steve.

The silence goes on for a bit too long. Steve notices the hesitation behind Bucky’s eyes and his heart sinks. He sags his shoulders, and hangs his head.

“Nevermind.” He mumbles, not meeting Bucky’s eyes. Seriously, what was he thinking? It’s enough that he’s crashing in Becca’s house, he shouldn’t have asked the brunette to lie down with him. God, he feels stupid. Of course that’s too much for Bucky. Just because he’s not married, that doesn’t mean he wants to be back with Steve. What was he even thinking? Bucky is obviously over him, he was ready to get married for crying out loud.

He feels tears threatening to spill down his cheeks, so he blinks rapidly, and rubs his eyes. He still doesn’t meet Bucky’s eyes, turning around instead and lying down. He pulls the covers all the way up to his shoulders and sighs.

“Steve…” Bucky’s voice sounds pleading, and he gently puts his right hand on his shoulder. The blonde shakes it off though, stubbornly avoiding looking at Bucky.

“Forget I said anythin’.” His voice sounds like gravel, dripping with hurt and rejection. Bucky mentally kicks himself, and swears in his head. Just when they were finally doing better, he had to go and fuck this up.

“If that’s what you want.” He stands up, and quietly leaves the room. Steve grumbles angrily, clenching his jaw. That’s not what he wants. He wants Bucky for fucks sake. But, he can’t admit it. He can’t do anything, but lie alone in Becca’s house, knowing that the love of his life is so close at hand, but at the same time so far away.

▪️  
  
Steve wakes up at the literal ‘asscrack of a dawn’ as Bucky used to say. He squints, and hides his head in the pillow as the sharp morning light shines through the windows, straight in his face. He groans and exhales, looking around, then remembering where he is. He sucks in a deep breath, and bolts out of bed. Becca’s house. He remembers what he asked of Bucky last night and oh, God, what did he do.

He drags a hand down his face, the embarrassment resurfacing. Steve realizes he can’t stay there, and he can’t face Bucky after the brunette rejected him so painfully last night. He knows it’s his fault, he shouldn’t have said anything. It was pathetic, really - first crying himself into an asthma attack, and then clinging onto Bucky like his life had depended on it. He wouldn’t have done it in normal circumstances, but Bucky’d been right there, rubbing circles into Steve’s back and playing with his hair. His rational thinking went out the window the minute Bucky murmured “Stevie,” into his ear.

Steve quickly snatches his glasses from the bedside cabinet and cleans them with the hem of his shirt. He realizes that he’s wearing Bucky’s clothes, and swallows hard. He wishes he could stay in them, in the warm of the bed. But, he can’t face James — or, anyone from the family really — so he takes off the army t-shirt and sweatpants, and replaces them with his own sweater and jeans. He folds Bucky’s clothes neatly, and if he presses his face to the t-shirt to smell that scent one last time again… no one has to know. He runs a hand through his hair, and makes the bed. He has no idea how to leave the house unnoticed. Becca moved when Bucky was gone, and this has been the first time that Steve’s visited the new place. He wishes he could thank the Barnes’ for crashing in here, but he knows he won’t be able face Bucky. So, he decides a quick text to Rebecca will be just fine, and he’ll send it as soon as he’s in the safe space of his apartment.

Steve creaks the door open just a tiny bit, and he looks around. Thankfully, they don’t make any sound, so he’s still clear. He bites down hard on his lower lip, deep in his own thoughts. He sees the front door at the end of the hallway and throw into the small entry room. His shoes and jacket are there as well, so he’ll be good if he makes it that far. He steps outside the door and stops, listening. Everyone’s still asleep, but he glances around just in case. The spare room is at the very end of the hallway, beside it are the stairs and right to his left is the kitchen and then the living room. He doesn’t even have to walk past any other bedrooms at easy, he just has to make it past the kitchen and lounge.

Rogers makes the first step, but freezes as he hears a deep sigh. His head whips sideways, his eyes focus on the pile of blankets lying on the couch of the living room. He knows it Bucky — who else would it be? He holds his breath, hoping that the brunette won’t wake up, or at least lift his head. He stands there still for a while, and decides to move only after it’s safe. He tiptoes to the front door silently, looking around his shoulder every couple of steps. He holds his breath again as he puts his shoes on, without even doing up the laces — he’ll worry about that later, he has to get out first.

Steve lets out an inaudible exhale, and takes his jacket off of the hook on the wall. He doesn't bother putting it on now — he wants to be as quiet as possible. He pats down the left pocket, making sure that his phone is still in there. Then, he takes a deep, calming breath and turns the lock as slowly as possible. It makes barely any noise, and if he’s to be honest, he’s proud of pulling this off. He lets out a shaky breath as he grabs the doorknob and turns it. The door opens with a creak. Steve winces, swearing inwardly. He stands still once more, making sure that he’s still in clear. He hears nothing, so he pushes the door again, mentally patting himself on the back for managing to be so quiet.

“Steve?” Bucky’s voice is hoarse and a bit groggy, but he hears it loud and clear nonetheless.

“Fuck!” He breathes, and decides to make a run for it. He quickly steps outside and closes the door. Steve pulls the jacket over his shoulders and starts to run toward the end of the path. If he makes it out of the street, Bucky won’t be able to stop him and he won’t have to face any more embarrassment.

He feels the cold air pierce through his lungs, and his barely healed ribs shoot pains through his chest. Steve ignores it a though, focusing on running just a little further. He silently thanks whatever God there is that Becca moved so close to the crossroads, that it’s within a running distance even for him. The blonde doesn’t stop until he turns right on the crossing, and then dives in into one of the back alleys. He leans against the wall and breathes heavily. Steve struggles to take deep breaths, and his ribs are killing him. He finally puts on his jacket, tugging his scarf tightly around his neck. The last thing he needs is another cold. He bends down, and ties up his laces, thankful that the boots haven’t fallen off during his run. He takes out his phone, and checks the hour — it’s just after 7am, and the sun has barely risen. He calls for a cab, and closes his eyes, waiting, still calming his breathing.

Steve pats down on his jeans to find his inhaler, but with no luck. He remembers he’s left the medicine in Becca’s house, and sighs heavily. Right, Bucky brought it to him in the night, and he must’ve left it somewhere on the nightstand. He sucks in a shaky breath. He can’t think about last night, not now, not here. He feels more tears prickling against the corners of his eyes, and he blinks rapidly. Steve can’t remember the last time he’s felt so… miserable, embarrassed, and pathetic. He’s obviously misunderstood the way Bucky’s been treating him since he came back. He got his hopes up, when in fact the brunette was just being friendly. The silence he’s been treated with last night told him everything he wanted to know. There is no chance for him and Bucky afterall, and he has just got to stop imagining things.

The buzz of Steve’s cell takes him out of his thoughts. He checks the screen, reading the notification about a cab waiting for him. He exits out of the alley, and walks up to the car. He opens the backseat door and flops down.

“Steve Rogers?” The drivers asks, and he nods. “Where to?”

▪️

**_Little did Steve know that a few minutes prior…_ **

Bucky doesn’t know what’s come over him, but before he can stop himself he’s already bolting to the door after Steve, wearing nothing but a long-sleeve shirt and a pair of sweatpants. He puts on his combat boots, not bothering to lace them up, then runs down the front yard, and sees Rogers running as fast as he can down the street. When Buck gets to the still open gate, he falls to his knees. There’s no point in following him. He hangs his head, and sighs.

But, then he hears someone walk up behind him. At first, Bucky assumes that it’s Becca… but, then he hears tiny sobbing noises that are much too little to be coming from an adult. He turns, still kneeling, and becomes faced with Lily. “I just wa — want you to be happy, Uncle Bu — Bucky,” She sobs, her shoulders shaking.

Bucky feels like his heart could break. He hasn’t seen her cry in… well, months. The only time she’s really cried in front of him was when she was a baby, plus a few times when she’d fallen over and hurt herself quite badly. “Lily,” he whispers. “I’m sorry.”

He wraps his arms around her, Bucky is still knelt on the ground, so they’re practically the same height. She buries her head in his right shoulder, and he picks her up. Barnes walks back to the house, holding her close. “I’m so sorry,” he soothes.

They get back inside, and he closes the door. God, Becks would kill him if she knew he’d left the front door open and Lily had followed him. Bucky carries her all the way to her bedroom, and carefully puts her down on the bed. There’s a tissue box beside it, so he cleans up her face, and brushes her hair out of her eyes.

“Talk to me,” he says, sitting down beside her.

She shakes her head.

“Please?”

“I miss it —“ she sobs again. “When you were with Uncle Steve, and you were always smiling.”

Bucky sighs. “Before I went to fight?” He adds quietly.

“I know you helped put away the bad men — Mom told me. She said it made you have scary dreams and hurt your arm. But, I think Uncle Steve can help you get happier again.” She rubs her eyes.

He looks away from her for a few moments, genuflect thinking about what she’s told him. That’s when something catches his eye — a very old photo, that’s tucked into the side of her mirror. It’s the photo of a Steve, that Lily had taken from him the very day that he’d shipped off. Bucky looks back at her, and she holds onto his prosthetic hand.

“Promise you’ll talk to him?” She wraps her pinky finger around his metal one. Bucky feels his chest tighten.

He nods. But, then he looks her in the eye. “You feelin’ okay, kiddo?” Bucky asks, noticing her reddened cheeks and then realising that she did feel quite warm to the touch just a moment or so ago.

“Here,” a new voice makes both Lily and Bucky jump at the same time. Becca wanders in, holding the thermometer.

“Becks, you scared us.” James mutters.

She smiles, holding the device close to her daughter’s forehead. “Looks like Uncle Bucky gets to babysit again!”

“But, I wanna go to school!” Lily bursts into tears again.

Bucky has forgotten how kids can be… and, well, it’s quite daunting. He lets Becca deal with Lily, awaiting the good news that she’s asleep about an hour later. “Right, I’ve got to go to work. William just got home so he’ll be sleeping most of the day. Please don’t take her out picking pumpkins again, alright?” She reaches forwards, and gives him a one armed hug.

He agrees with her just for the sake of both of their sanities, and watches as she rushes outside. William must already be asleep, as the house is left in silence. He sighs, sitting down on the couch. There’s nothing on TV, so he may as well go back into his room… only, Steve slept there last night, and that’s all he can think about. His chest tightens and he has to swallow down hard, but Bucky walks in anyway, smiling when he sees the neatly folded clothes at the foot of the bed. Then he spots the inhaler too. “Dammit, Stevie.” He mumbles.

He makes a quiet promise to himself that he will give it back, and lies down. Bucky didn’t realise he’d fallen asleep, until a slight feeling of being poked wakes him up. He opens one eye, and spies Lily standing above him.

“Sorry,” she whispers. “I’ve been waiting for an hour and I’m just hungry.”

“Gosh,” he bolts upright. “Lily, you should’ve yelled to wake me up!”

“Dad says I should never wake you,” She mumbles, not realising how much that hurts him to hear. “Can we have toast?” The innocent subject change distracts him.

He looks at his alarm clock, and it reads almost ten already. “‘Course we can,” Bucky forces a smile. “How are you feelin’?”

“Okay.” She shrugs.

They walk to the kitchen together, and Bucky lets her sit on the counter whilst he makes the toast. He reads the note from Becca that tells him what medicine to give to her and when — like he hasn’t done this a million and one times with Steve, but I guess it’s sort of different with a kid. The pair eat their toast together at the table, and then head off separately to brush their teeth and get dressed.

When Bucky leaves the guest room, he can hear Lily playing the piano and singing. He smiles to himself, and walks into the living room. She hops off of the stool, and walks over to hug him.

“What do you wanna do?” He asks.

“Go and see Uncle Steve,” Lily replies.

Bucky raises an eyebrow. “What if you get him sick?”

“I’m not sick,” she gives him a look. “See!” Lily spins around just to prove it.

“Oh really?” He tries not to laugh.

She pouts. “Can we go now?”

“Okay… you have to promise me two things though. One: don’t tell Mom. Two: wait out of the room when I tell you to. Okay?” She nods eagerly.

Bucky hopes that Becca won’t get mad, and sighs quietly. He helps Lily to lace up her boots, and then they get in the car. It’s a short drive to Steve’s apartment, and Lily doesn’t stop talking about how excited she is — which doesn’t exactly help with Bucky’s nerves. His palm is sweating on the steering wheel and he bounces his left leg.

Once they arrive, he hands her Steve’s inhaler. “Do you wanna give this to him?” He asks.

“Yeah, because I love him,” she whispers.

Bucky can’t help but smile. They walk out of the car and go up to the front doors. He opens them and lets Lily get in first, nervously biting down his lip. They walk up the stairs and stop on the second floor, right outside 2C. He knocks on the door, and they both wait. When the door starts to open, Bucky realises he’s holding his breath...


	19. The One With Conversations.

“Oh, uh… hi?” Steve both sounds and looks shocked, as he observes who’s at his door. Bucky swallows down hard. Steve’s wearing dark sweatpants and a blue long sleeve. The shirt makes his eyes stand out and, if Bucky’s being honest, he could write poems about the blonde’s eyes.

Lily holds out his inhaler. “Here you go, Uncle Steve. Please, can we come in?” She asks.

Of course, Steve can’t say no. He lets them in, wondering what they could possibly want. “Uh, what’s up? And, why aren’t you at school?” Rogers looks down at Lily.

She shrugs and looks pointedly at her Uncle.

“Can we talk?” Bucky asks Steve.

He looks nervous. “What about?”

“Just… I dunno, Steve. I, um… I wanted to explain last night.” He looks down, unable to meet the blonde’s eyes. “Uh, I wanted to tell you I’m lookin’ for work… I wanna get my life together, I really do, Steve, I just—” he takes a deep, shaky breath and scratches his neck, the cool metal of his left hand grounding him in the present. He feels stupid. God, why did he even come here?

“Buck, you — you don’t have to explain anythin’ to me. I was out of line, I know. But, that’s good — that you’re lookin’, I mean.” The absolute awkwardness in the air could fill up to ten buildings. Steve scratches the back of his neck, trying to think of a polite way to ask them to leave. “Maybe we should discuss this another time,” he glances down at Lily.

“Yeah, Yeah. You’re right, c’mon Lils.” Buck tries to take her hand, but she pulls away… and, bursts into tears.

Steve’s eyes widen.

“No! You promised! You pinkie promised to talk properly,” she shouts at Bucky. “I want you to talk!” Steve has never seen her like this before, and he’s worried that it’s his fault.

“Talk about what?” Rogers squeaks, scared to come near her. God, he’s bad with kids now.

She looks at him, tears filling up her usually bright, brown eyes. “Make Uncle Bucky’s sad go away,” Lily cries, sitting on the floor now and putting her head in her hands.

“Oh, Jesus.” Bucky mumbles, his cheeks going pink.

“Alright, we’ll talk! Come into the living room,” Steve says quickly.

Bucky tries to pick her up, but instead she just stomps after Steve. They leave the hallway, and Rogers waits for her to sit on the couch. Barnes follows suit, trying to console her but to no success. “Lily wants us to to be friends again… so, I promised I’d try and talk to you about that.” He mumbles.

“Well, you’re lookin’ for a job, right?” Buck nods. “Maybe you could crash at mine sometimes, before and after interviews?” Steve can’t really believe what he’s saying, but at least it’ll make one of them happy.

He offers Lily some tissues. She begins to calm down quite quickly now that they’re talking, but then the room goes quiet. “Promise?” She asks them both.

They each nod.

“I want my Mom now,” she sighs.

Bucky looks at Steve apologetically. But, it seems as if he’s already worked it out.

“Do you wanna hug?” Rogers asks her, but Lily shakes her head. “I think I have some ice cream in the freezer…” she looks up, and the finest of smiles appears on her face.

He sighs thankfully, and rushes off to get it. Steve brings it back to her in the most colourful bowl he owns, and then switches on the TV. “How about me and Uncle Bucky look for jobs this weekend?”

“I’d like that,” Bucky murmurs.

“Saturday?” Steve suggests.

Barnes nods. “Thanks,” he mutters.

“So, Lily… is Uncle Bucky taking good care of you?” Steve asks.

She looks up from her bowl of ice cream. “Yeah,” the kid replies. “But, I’m actually fine.”

“Sounds familiar,” Bucky smirks, looking over at Steve. “Anyway,” he continues. “I’d better get Lily home.”

She looks sad. “Thank you for my ice cream,” Lily mumbles.

Bucky picks her up successfully this time. “I’ll see you on Saturday,” he says to Steve — which makes them both smile.

▪️

Bucky wipes his palm on his jeans, the sweaty feeling not quite gone, checking how many stops ‘till he can leave the crowded subway train. He’s meeting Clint for drinks tonight — something he’s been looking forward to. He’s supposed to go to Steve’s tomorrow, so they could look for a job for him and it’s been making him anxious the whole three days since they’ve agreed on it. He talked to Dr. Banner about finding some work a while ago, but hasn’t actually started looking yet. He figured that the money he still gets from the army is enough for now, but he knows he can’t stay at Becca and William’s forever. It’s been almost half a year now, and it’s time for him to find something for himself.

He sighs, gripping the bar tighter. The train comes to a stop and he’s more than happy to leave the subway. He walks up the stairs and turns left, the illuminated logo of _SHIELD_ already visible down the street. He quickens his pace, wanting to be off the street as soon as possible. It’s Friday night and people are taking it way too far. He’s glad that Clint knows the owner of _SHIELD_ — Fury — who’s one scary dude if you ask him, so their favorite booth is definitely waiting for them.

Bucky comes to a stop outside the bar’s door, and takes a deep breath before going inside. He finds himself in a small, crowded place, the bar on his right and a long row of tables and booths on his left. He’s immediately surrounded by dim lights, heat and loud music. He takes a moment to scan his surroundings, checking if the exits are still easily accessible. He then makes his way to the booth in the far left corner, waving to the Phil — the bartender — on his way. Clint’s already there, sipping a beer, with a plate of fries in front of him. Bucky pats his shoulder and waits for the other man to stand up.

“Sarge!” Clint gives him a one armed hug, squeezing his shoulder tightly. Bucky rolls his eyes at the nickname, but hugs him back all the same.

“Barton,” he slips in the seat with his back to the wall, and shrugs off his leather jacket. He paired it with dark, washed out jeans and a faded black long-sleeve, with his combat boots of course, and well, he thinks he easily pulls it off. He put his hair in a messy bun, as usual. “Lookin’ good, as always, I see.”

Clint throws a fry at him and Bucky laughs. Barton’s… well, a disaster. Bucky has no idea how he made it alive for so long. He’s always half asleep, eating everything he can get his hands on, not to mention drinking unbelievable amounts of coffee. He’s always in some kind of trouble, patches and bandages being a constant part of his look. Even now, he has three plasters on his left eyebrow. He never knows when to shut up and always ends up with a foot in his mouth. He couldn’t keep a secret if his life depended on it, and Bucky’s honestly surprised that he’s not only made it to the Army, but also got out alright. Well, except the partially deaf part, but for that the brunette blames himself.

Clint’s one of the best snipers in the army, the two of them always competing against one another. Bucky was better with a rifle on his arm, Barton somehow always liked being armed with an arrow. Many people found it somewhat useless in war zone, but Clint proved them wrong. Buck was so damn happy when Barton joined his unit, the so-called Howling Commandos became irreplaceable in special ops. They were feared and respected because they got the job done, no loose ends. At least until that damn IED and...  _no_ , he’s not thinking about that right now. He’s here to have a good time.

So yes, Barton may come across as a person who’s a total disaster, but he’s also Bucky’s best friend and he’d do anything for him. He looks at the other man with a barely-there smile on his lips. Clint’s wearing a loose pair of jeans and a grey hoodie, with a white t-shirt underneath. James is just pleased to see that his clothes are actually clean for once, but he suspects the zipped hoodie hides something or other.

“Bite me Sarge, not all of us can look like Greek sculptures. Someone has to look bad, y’know.” Bucky snorts, shaking his head.

“Don’t sell yourself short, you managed to convince Nat to date you somehow.” He reaches for a fry, but Clints pats his hand away, looking at him sharply.

“There’s the bar, if you want any.”

Bucky pouts. “Come on, Hawkeye…” he whines. Clints lifts an eyebrow at the nickname — they used it on a daily basis while overseas, but here it’s only when the brunette wants something.

“What’s that gonna get me?”

Bucky wiggles his eyebrows. “Ya know.” He smirks.

Clint seems totally unperplexed, playing along. “Now don’t tease me Barnes, I’m gonna take you up on it.”

Bucky stands up, winking at the other man. “I sure hope so.”

They finally crack, chuckling, as Bucky goes to the bar and orders two beers and two more plates of fries. It was him who had dragged Clint here anyway, so the least he can do is buy the guy some more food. He takes the two filled glasses and goes back to the table. He gives Barton another beer, as the man is already finishing his — what Bucky assumes to be his first one — then takes a sip of his own.

“So, what’s up?” The dirty-blonde looks at him expectantly, popping a fry into his mouth.

“What, can’t a guy go out just like that?” Bucky mocks, putting a hand on his chest, pretending to be offended.

“It’s Friday night Sarge, cut the bullshit.” Clint grins and leans against the booth table.

“You got those beauties on, or do I have to sign?” Bucky indicates towards the blonde’s hearing aids. It’s been almost four years since the explosions, but Clint still prefers to turn the volume down and sign.

“It’s on, shoot.” He winks, reaching for the plate again, then realizing that it’s empty. “Aww, food.” He pouts, looking up at Bucky through his eyelashes.

“I’ve already ordered another one, don’t look at me like that.” He rolls his eyes, seeing the grin that spreads through Clint’s face.

“Marry me, Sarge.” Barton takes Bucky’s hand, smiling wildly.

“I’m flattered Clint, really I am, but, oh, I don’t know… be _gay_ first?” He laughs, shaking his head.

“Fair point.” He lets go, and leans back. “Enough of this flirting you idiot, I know I’m irresistible but I’m with Nat now, and she could kill you in a thousand ways.”

Bucky lifts his hands in surrender. If he’s to be honest, of course Clint’s good looking. He’s tall, lean but muscular, has a strong jaw and blonde hair, bangs always in his eyes. But, he’s also Bucky’s best friend and he’d never think of Barton that way. Then there’s also Natasha, Clint’s girlfriend, and boy, is Bucky scared of her. He knows he has a metal arm, combat training and basically every enemy in Afghanistan shit their pants when they saw his unit coming, but there’s something about Nat that makes him never wanna get on her bad side. She’s not very tall, but she’s intimidating with her red hair and green eyes that see straight through you. She takes no bullshit from anyone and is honest and straightforward. Bucky’s also pretty sure she’s working for a government agency and he doesn’t want to know what she actually can do. He prefers to leave that to his imagination only.

“Trust me, I’ve got common sense.” Clint laughs at that, then takes a long sip of his beer.

“Stop stalling, what you got?” Barton cocks his eyebrow and waits.

Bucky sighs. “You remember Steve, right?”

“Skinny blonde? The one you wouldn’t shut up about during our first tour? The one you left Rumlow for? The one that landed in hospital a couple weeks ago? The one that turned out Wilson knows?”

“For fucks sake Clint, yes, that one.” He growls.

“Had to make sure we’re on the same page, Sarge.” He smirks… _the bastard._

“You done now?” Clint nods, so Bucky continues. “We went to a pumpkin patch with him and Lily this week, and then spent the day at Becca’s.” He nods his head as a silent thank you, to the bartender that brings their fries over to the table. Clint digs in immediately. “So then they both fell asleep on the couch and he ended up crashin’ in the spare room.”

“You mean your room?” Barton laughs as he sees Bucky’s eyes roll.

“I mean the spare room, asshole, I’ll have you know I’m lookin’ for a job.” He says smugly.

“Since when?” Clint looks at him surprised, his hand frozen halfway to his mouth.

“Since tomorrow, but that’s not important now, so shut up.” He mumbles, seeing the other guy’s amused expression. “Focus, damnit. He had an asthma attack during the night so I went to him and gave him his inhaler. He asked me to stay.” He looks down, knowing that Clint’s eyebrows must be at his hairline right now.

“You did, didn’t ya?”

“‘Course not, what do ya think?” He takes a big gulp of his beer, the. pops a few fries to his mouth.

“Why not?” Bucky lifts his metal arm, currently gloved, of course. “Oh don’t give me that bullshit! It’s just an arm, what the fuck?”

“Like you don’t know! I could easily kill him with that!”

“... Oh, stop.” Buck exclaims, eyeing the look Clint’s currently shooting towards him right now.

“You know I’m right! You’re such a drama queen, Bucky, I swear to God. He wanted you to stay in the room with him, not cuddle him you idiot. You could’ve stayed at least ‘till he’d fallen asleep.” He says it like it’s the simplest answer on the planet, and Bucky hums. Yeah, he could’ve.

“Well I didn’t, and now it’s even more damn awkward between us again, and I’m supposed to go to his place tomorrow and I just— I don’t know what to do.” He admits, resigned.

Clint sighs. “Why?”

“Why what?” Bucky fiddles with the hem of his shirt.

“Why are you meeting him tomorrow? Jesus.” Barton rolls his eyes, looking at the burnette hopelessly.

Bucky shrugs. “He’s gonna help me find a job.” He mutters. Clint laughs at that.

“Oh, that’s great… Nat’s gonna love it. Please, don’t forget to text us every hour, whining about how madly in love you are.”

Bucky feels his cheeks burning and he looks down. He wishes his hair were loose so he could hide behind it. “Shut up, fucker.” he mumbles, then takes a sip of his beer to cool himself down a little.

“Just do me a favor? For old times’ sake, yeah? Talk to him? Maybe don’t go with that whole ‘I’m so madly in love with you I left a guy at the altar, and I’ve been pining for 5 years now,’ because that’s sad, and I know what I’m saying.” Bucky snorts, remembering how Clint had told Nat his feelings. Yeah, that was sad and pathetic, and he still has no idea how Barton did it. “Just tell him about the arm and everything, because it hurts to watch you know.”

Clint pats his hand, stealing a few fries from his plate. Bucky only cocks an eyebrow though. He’s more than used to the guy stealing his food. “Yeah, yeah, alright.” He mutters.

“Atta boy. You know you can always just crash over at my place if Becca throws you out, right?”

“If by your place you mean that one room studio, with an old couch and a mattress on the floor in which you sleep with both Nat and Lucky — I still got no idea why she puts up with your sorry ass, by the way — then yeah, thank you, but… no thank you.” He raises his palms, observing Clint’s offended expression.

“Dude! That’s harsh.”

“That’s true though, come on.”

“Touche.” Clint shakes his head, and sticks his tongue out. “Now, can we talk about fun stuff?”

“Like?” Bucky brings his glass to his lips, his throat suddenly dry.

“Darts!” He yells, standing up and going to the bar to pay for a game. Bucky shakes his head, smiling fondly, and takes their glasses to go after Clint.

▪️


	20. The One Where It’s All a Bit Awkward.

_**The next day,** _   
_**Saturday, 14th October.** _

Bucky is still pacing up and down the guest room, having a stressful time. He realised that he hadn’t asked Steve what time to arrive at his apartment, nor had the guy specified it either. So, now it’s mid-afternoon and he doesn’t know whether or not to leave yet.

He eventually decides to stop being so stupid at around one pm, and starts getting ready. Barnes is out of the door close to an hour later, and decides that he’ll walk to Steve’s to waste a little extra time. Once he gets there, it’s past half past two. Oops. Bucky knocks at Steve’s door, feeling nervous.

When it opens, he can’t help but smile. Steve is wearing a sweater that’s about two sizes too big for him, and his hair looks messy. His glasses are on the wink, and he has an adorable sleepy look about him. “Hi,” he says. “I was beginnin’ to think you weren’t comin’.”

“Hey,” Bucky mumbles back. “Uh, yeah I’m here.” He mentally curses at himself for acting so stupid.

Rogers steps to one side. “Well, come on in.”

They head into the living room together, and Steve’s laptop is sat open on top of the coffee table. His closed sketch pad is there too, and Bucky wishes they were still close enough for him to just be able to go over and have a little flip through the pages.

“I asked Sam for some advice on Vets lookin’ for jobs… I also looked around for mechanics work, ‘cause, uh… that’s what you went into after high school, and all.” Steve starts to ramble. “Um, do you wanna sit down?” He asks, and Barnes realises he’s still standing up like a complete idiot.

“Oh, sure.” Bucky mumbles. “Thanks.”

Steve is now sat on the far right… whilst Bucky stays as far left as he can.

“Bucky… you can’t see the laptop screen from there,” Rogers chuckles awkwardly.

“I, uh… I know. I don’t want to, um —“ he sighs, embarrassed. “Okay,” Bucky eventually finalises, and shuffles closer to Steve.

He wants to just be able to relax into Steve and embrace him in a warm hug, whilst they lean against one another and browse for jobs. But, that can’t happen. And, it won’t.

“Well, here’s what I found.” Steve distracts Bucky from his chain of upsetting thoughts, and hands him the laptop.

The screen shows a document full of about six website links, each with a title of what the job is about and what it needs. God, he’s missed this kind of organisation. He’s missed teasing Steve about how he can be so organised when it comes to helping others, but a complete mess when it comes to himself.

“Thanks,” he takes the laptop, and of course their hands have to brush against one another.

Steve sighs, as James reads through the document in complete silence. “You don’t have to wear the glove, you know. But, uh, whatever makes you feel comfortable.” He clears his throat nervously.

“I —I just do,” Buck mumbles.

Rogers doesn’t reply. This is one of the most awkward meetings between the pair up to date, and Steve doesn’t want to make it any worse by making the poor guy feel uncomfortable.

After about fifteen minutes, Bucky clears his throat. “I think this job seems the most plausible,” he says, shifting the laptop slightly so that Steve can have a look.

He smiles. “I still have our CVs saved, so that’s in this document…” the blonde trails off, reaching over to open it for him. “So, now you can just edit it and then apply!” Steve beams.

“Thank you,” Barnes says genuinely.

But, he still feels strange sitting beside him. Whilst he’s typing out his extra information into the CV he first wrote right after high school, Steve is still sat there and it doesn’t feel as right as it should do.

“Do you want anythin’ to eat or drink?” Steve breaks the silence once again.

Bucky shakes his head. Dammit. He could’ve been alone whilst Steve made a drink… but, part of him still wants him to stay and, Jesus. This isn’t going to plan at all.

“Okay, I’ve applied.” Barnes finally states another twenty minutes later.

Steve stands up. “That’s great! Uh… do you want to crash here?” His body languages turns timid all of a sudden.

Glancing at his watch, Bucky realises that it’s already past three. “Um, I guess?” He says.

They need to spend more time together, or they’ll _never_ be friends again.

“Okay. I’ll take the couch, and —“

“No, I’ll take the couch.” Bucky interrupts quickly.

Steve folds his arms over his chest. “It’s my apartment, Buck.”

“I’m taking the couch, Rogers.”

“Bucky!” He pouts.

James groans. He used to do that all the time to try and cute himself out of an argument. “Rock, paper, scissors?” He smirks.

The pair play the short game, and of course Bucky wins. “Always scissors, Stevie!” Bucky laughs.

“You’re a cheat!” The guy protests, walking towards the kitchen to try and find them both something for dinner.

Bucky sighs, beginning to feel a little more calm now. He follows Steve into the tiny kitchen, and watches as he gets out some pasta from the cupboard. “Is pasta okay?” He asks him.

“Yeah,” Buck replies simply.

There’s barely room for the both of them in the small kitchen, and Bucky wishes that Steve lived somewhere better. He deserves the world… not that he’d admit that out loud under these current circumstances though, of course.

“Do you need any help?” He asks, staring at his nails.

Steve shakes his head. “No, thanks. Make yourself at home,” he replies simply.

Barnes decides to wait in the living room. It doesn’t take long for the pasta to be cooked, and Steve brings it in for him. “We could watch a movie, if you want?” He suggests, handing Bucky the food.

“Sure,”

“Any preference?”

Bucky shrugs, already tucking into the food. Rogers puts his bowl down on the coffee table, and then goes to pick a movie. He chooses ‘Beauty and the Beast,’ because he loves Disney and he wants something lighthearted that they can watch and nothing that might remind Buck of the war.

They don’t talk much during the movie, but this time it’s more of a comfortable silence. Once it’s finished, Steve takes their bowls and puts them in the kitchen sink. He renters the living room a few minutes later, and informs Bucky that he has a few commissions to work on.

“I’ll be in my room if you need anythin’… or if you wanna talk,” he adds on the end.

Barnes just nods, a small smile on his face. Steve leaves the room, heading through the nearby door — since his bedroom is connected to the living room itself. He leaves it open, meaning that if Bucky looks slightly to his left he can see Steve preparing to draw.

He used to love watching the guy work — Steve’s concentration face was so adorable, and his hair would fall over his face in the prettiest way. He’d always chew on the end of a pencil, or rest his cheek on his hand to make it look squishy. Bucky would sometimes sit there for hours just watching him, and most of the time Steve was too engrossed to even notice.

▪️

**_Two weeks later…  
Saturday, 28th October._ **

Steve has just finished a half day shift, and he’s now clocking out. He changes back into his clothes, hangs up his apron, and says ‘bye’ to his colleagues. He knows that Buck had his job interview this morning, and he’s eager to ask him how it went. So, the second he arrives back at the apartment he checks each room until he finds him.

But, the guy doesn’t look pleased at all. He’s sat on the sofa, his shoulders slumped and his head hung low. He’s still in navy suit trousers and a white button down, his tie thrown on the floor beside the couch. “Buck?” Rogers whispers.

James flinches, clearly not realising that he wasn’t alone anymore. “Oh, hey. They probably won’t want me, so don’t ask.”

Steve sighs. “Don’t be like that,” he mutters. “You don’t know until they call back.”

“Thanks,” Bucky mumbles. He doesn’t want to unload all of his negativity on Steve.. hell, he should’ve just checked into a motel for the night instead. The poor kid has been kind enough to offer is apartment whenever Bucky has needed it for the past fourteen days, and Barnes wishes he could show more gratitude.

Sitting down beside him, Steve tries to think of something to say. “Do you want any dinner?” He changes the subject.

Bucky doesn’t reply, and Rogers leans back against the couch. He’s had a headache all afternoon, and now he’s actually sat down it feels a lot worse all of a sudden. “You okay?” Barnes asks, and Steve opens one eye.

“Yeah,” Steve lies. “I’m fine.”

“I can cook tonight, if you like.” Bucky offers, already getting to his feet.

“You don’t have to.” He says quickly, grabbing the other man by his wrist to stop him. That’s when he realizes that the brunette’s face is pale and there are deep, dark bags under his eyes.

“I want to. It’s the least I can do.” Bucky mumbles and sends Steve a weak smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. He turns around, not waiting for an answer, and rounds the couch going to the kitchen.

He pops a few buttons of shirt, taking a deep breath, then rummages through cupboards. He takes out two pans, placing one on the kitchen, then fills the other one with water. He throws some frozen veggies on the frying pan and fills a glass with water. Then, Bucky goes to the bathroom, retrieves some painkillers and retreats to the living room. He finds Steve still on the couch, with his head resting against the arm, eyes closed.

“I got you some meds.” James puts the pills and the glass on the coffee table, and looks at Steve. The blonde tries to smile, but it falls flat. He pops the painkillers into his mouth, and gulps down the water.

“Thanks.” Bucky takes the glass back and returns to the kitchen. He finishes dinner, then puts in on two plates and goes back to Steve.

“Eat up.” He puts the plates on the coffee table, then sinks down to the floor. Bucky digs into his food, taking a mouthful of brown rice.

“You…” Steve blinks, looking at his plate, surprised. “You remembered?”

“You being vegan is not something I could forget, now is it?” He cocks an eyebrow, seeing the disbelief on the other’s face.

“I don’t… It’s just…” Steve does a vague gesture with his hand, unable to actually voice his thoughts. Sure, they’ve been eating together a lot lately but it was always Steve who cooked, or they had takeout. Now that he thinks of it, Bucky didn’t have a chance to prepare anything for him, and the fact that he remembered about Steve being vegan makes his heart skip a bit.

“Eat, Steve.” The commanding tone isn’t lost on the blonde, and he immediately reaches for his plate.

“Sir, yes, Sir.” Steve shoves a piece of broccoli in his mouth, not meeting Bucky’s eyes as they widen in surprise.

They eat in silence after that, neither of them knowing what to say. Steve wants to approach the subject of Bucky’s thoughts, as the brunette is visibly in a bad mood, but he doesn’t want to overstep. They’ve been acting more friendly lately, the initial awkwardness finally fading away. He doesn’t want to rush anything, not with Bucky. But, he’s also worried about the guy and he can’t just ignore it for his own selfish purposes.

Once they’re finished, Bucky takes the plates back to the kitchen and puts them in the sink. He pours orange juice into two glasses and goes back to the living room, placing both drinks on the table, then sits on the couch and leans back.

A few beats of silence pass. Then, “Talk to me, Buck,” Steve whispers, his eyes on the other man. The brunette has his eyes closed and he swallows audibly.

“There’s really nothin’ to say.” Bucky’s voice is resigned, however his fists clench on the edge of the couch.

“Bullshit.” Rogers exclaims, stronger this time, and shifts so that he’s facing Bucky now. “I can tell something’s botherin’ you. Just — Just talk to me.” Steve’s voice is quieter now, although still stern, not taking ‘no’ for an answer.

“Just let it go.”

“No.” Steve crosses his arms against his chest. Yes, he’s stubborn, so what.

“Fine.” He growls and opens his eyes, looking at the blonde with piercing steel-blue eyes. A shiver goes down Steve’s spine, but he’s not backing down now. “That interview was a shitshow. I dunno what I was thinkin’ goin’ there dressed like that.” He makes a hand gesture towards his button up and slacks. “It’s a damn garage for God’s sake. They were askin’ me all these questions about car parts, and various problems. I know that stuff, y’know I do, I just —I couldn’t explain a single thing.” He groans, running a hand through his hair. “They gave me an engine part and asked me to fix it. I felt like a goddamn kid Steve, back in elementary. It was embarrassin’.” He sighs, slumping down his shoulders. “And then that fuckin’ session… I’m sure Sam already told you.”

“What?” Steve’s head snaps up, brows furrowing in confusion. “He didn’t tell me anythin’, you know he can’t…” He pulls his phone out of his jeans pocket. Sam wouldn’t tell him anything even if he wanted to; after all, he was Bucky’s counselor and that’d be a huge derogation. Steve looks down at his screen and reads the message he hasn’t seen before: ‘Go easy on your boy today.’ He frowns, pocketing his phone and looks at Bucky, shaking his head slightly.

“I decided to talk about my service.” He lifts his prosthetic, then lets it fall on the couch with a loud thump. “Wasn’t pretty. Wasn’t easy either.” He mutters, averting his gaze.

“Buck, I’m —”

“Don’t.” He interrupts, holding up his hand. “Just… Please, don’t.” He drags a hand down his face, letting his hair cover it. “Can we just watch somethin’?” Bucky’s voice sounds so small, pleading even. Steve heart sinks, and he curses himself for bringing this up.

“Anythin’ you want.”

▪️

In the end they’d decided to just watch ‘Friends’ reruns. They must’ve fallen asleep at the same time, because whatever has just woken Steve up — well, he hadn’t even realised he was asleep. He rubs his eyes, squinting through the darkness. The TV is still on, but it’s playing some late night commercial. Steve jumps, hearing someone yell. That’s when he realises it’s Bucky.

“Buck?” He turns.

He’s still asleep, but he’s writhing on the couch and whimpering. “You’re havin’ a nightmare, Bucky.” Steve isn’t sure what to do. He knows about Bucky’s PTSD, but Barnes never told him the severity of it.

“Bucky?” Steve stands up, as the guy starts to jolt around even more violently.

Just as he’s gotten to his feet, James gasps loudly, his eyes pried open. “Are they alive?” He whispers, clearly not knowing where he is.

“Bucky, it’s me, Steve. You’re back in Brooklyn… it was just a nightmare. I’m here, your friend Clint lives a few miles away.” Rogers says, inching closer until he’s sat down beside him again.

It takes a few minutes, but Bucky’s breathing slows. He stops staring blankly ahead of him, and turns to look at Steve instead. “Just… just a nightmare?”

Steve nods. “It’s okay,” he says softly.

“Did I… did I hurt you?” A tear falls from Bucky’s eye.

Rogers frowns. He realises that this must’ve happened before — or at least Buck has been afraid of hurting someone in his sleep for some time now. He doesn’t ask about it though, just shakes his head. “You didn’t hurt me. I know you’d never do that on purpose.” He smiles weakly.

“But, you saw me havin’ the nightmare?” It’s like Barnes can’t wrap it around his head that Steve hasn’t gone running off in the other direction yet.

“I did. But, I understand… I mean — I could never empathise, but I wanna help in any way that I can.” He gently places his hand against Bucky’s shoulder, and feels him flinch.

Bucky leans back. “Sorry,” he whispers.

“You don’t need to be, Buck. You really don’t.”

Bucky presses his prosthetic to his forehead, a shiver going down his body. Then, he sits up, crossing his legs on the couch.

“Steve, I have to tell you somethin’.” His voice is hoarse and barely audible.

“You don’t have —”

“I want to.” He interrupts, looking up at the blonde. He nods his head towards the empty space on the couch, waiting for Steve to sit down.

“Okay.” He whispers, sitting beside the brunette, and pulls a blanket draped around the arm of the couch around his shoulders.

“These nightmares…” Bucky starts, his voice still small. He takes off the glove and starts fiddling with it, doing anything to not look at the man in front of him. “They happen a lot. And it’s not — it’s not safe for you, or anyone really, to be around me then.” There’s pain and guilt written all over his face, and Steve’s heart breaks. He reaches out towards Bucky, but the man leans back. “I mean it. It was tough without the arm, but with it… I can really hurt somebody. Ask William, if you don’t believe me.” Barnes lets out a shaky breath, and risks a glance at Steve. “That’s why I couldn’t stay with you that night.” He murmurs.

“Bucky, I’m not —”

“No, Steve.” He straightens up. “I can’t risk it. You may not be afraid but I am, and I can’t—” His voice breaks and he has to take another deep breath in order to continue. “I don’t always know where I am when I wake up. What if I get confused and hurt you? There’s nothin’ you could do to stop me, trust me, I know. I just… You should know not to come near me during a nightmare. For your own safety.”

“Okay, Buck. If that’s what you want… but, can I come and sit with you afterwards?”

Barnes shrugs. “Okay,” he mumbles.

▪️


	21. The One Where Bucky Stays.

**_The next morning._ **

Steve groans, blinking a couple of times. He rubs his eyes and squints, trying to take in his surroundings. His neck hurts and he can’t feel his right arm. He pries his eyes fully open, but everything's still blurry. He sighs, trying to remember last night. He’d fallen asleep on the couch with Bucky, then the other man had a nightmare. They’d talked and Steve stayed in the living room with him, waiting for the brunette to calm down. He must’ve fallen asleep again, because he’s awoken lying on the couch, his right arm under his head, clutching a pillow. He’s covered with a thick blanket, and he feels a warm hand on his ankle.

“Slept good?”

A small smile appears on his face at the sound of Bucky’s voice. It’s a bit distant though, so he sits up, indicating his right ear. “Yeah.” He stretches his spine and puts his hearing aid on. He takes his glasses as the brunette offers them to him, and puts them on, running a hand through his hair. “Did you?”

Bucky huffs and leans his head back.

“I’m sorry.” Steve looks down, cursing himself inwardly.

“Don’t be.” The brunette sends him a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Breakfast?”

“Umm, sure.” Steve stands up, popping his spine yet again. “I just gotta —”

“Take your meds first, I know.” Bucky interrupts, smiling genuinely this time. “Go, I’ll be in the kitchen.”

Steve bites his lip to stop a grin spreading on his face. He nods and goes down the small hall to an even smaller bathroom. He quickly relieves himself, brushes his teeth and then gulps a mouthful of pills. When he steps into the kitchen, Bucky’s already got a pan on the stove, a couple of pancakes on it.

“Pancakes?” He smiles. It used to be their Sunday tradition.

“Yeah.” Buck casts a glance towards him, then quickly turns around. “You had only plain soy milk though, so no coconut flavor this time.”

Steve chuckles at that. He still can’t believe Bucky remembers after all this time. They used to buy different flavored milk so their pancakes would always taste differently. Coconut was always his favorite. He puts on the coffee machine, then hops on one of the stools. “Need me to do anythin’?”

“You can chop some fruits, if you want?” Bucky flips the pancakes and turns around. The bags under his eyes are still there and Steve feels like it’s is fault. He knows he can’t do anything about the other man’s nightmares, but maybe crashing at his place wasn’t such a great idea after all.

“Sure.” He opens the fridge and takes out some bananas. He places them on the counter, then starts chopping them, and puts the pieces onto two plates. “You wanna make an apple pie later? I’ve got a lot of ‘em.”

Bucky licks his lips, placing the pancakes onto a big plate and pouring the butter into the pan. “Yeah.” He breathes, looking at Steve. They lock eyes for a couple of seconds, and the blonde feels literal butterflies in his stomach. He’s missed this.

Steve is first to avert his gaze, pouring coffee into two cups. He adds cream and sugar to one of the cups, knowing that Bucky takes his coffee unbearably sweet. He places them on the small kitchen island and hops on one the stools. They stay in silence, Bucky finishing their food, then putting it onto the plates. He joins Steve, and they both dig into the food.  
  
Once they’ve eaten, Bucky puts the dishes into the sink. Steve quickly comes up to him, putting a hand on the other man’s shoulder.

“Let me.” He nods his head towards the sink.

“It’s fine, Steve.”

“You cooked, I clean.” He juts out his jaw.

Bucky sighs. “Fine.” He steps away from the sink, shaking his head slightly. “Stubborn as always.” He mutters. Then, “I’m gonna take a shower.”

“Sure, Buck.” Steve sends him a small smile and starts doing the dishes. Once again, he wishes he had a dishwasher. But, there’s really no place left in his small kitchen, so he has to make do with what he has. He quickly cleans everything, then puts it into the drainer. He also puts on another cup of coffee for Bucky, knowing that the man will probably need it after the night he’s had, and leans back against the counter. He looks down at his clothes from last night and groans, noting that he needs to do laundry.

Bucky comes into the kitchen, wearing a pair of grey sweatpants and a black henley, his wet hair put into a bun at the top of his head. A couple of strings stand out, and Steve has to clench his fists to stop himself from putting them behind the other man’s ear. He clears his throat instead, licking his lips.

“I’ll take a quick shower too.” Steve says, putting a fresh cup of coffee on the kitchen island.

“Thanks.” Bucky smiles, taking the cup and inhaling the smell. “I’ll get everythin’ ready.” Steve goes to leave the kitchen. The brunette stops him though, putting a hand on his shoulder and squeezing gently. “Thank you, Steve. For tonight.” He adds, seeing the confused expression on the blonde’s face.

“Anytime, Buck. I mean it.” He smiles, as Bucky nods his head, and goes to his bedroom. He takes out a pair of black boxer briefs from his drawer, then decides on navy sweatpants and a simple white t-shirt.

Steve goes to the bathroom, stripping from his current clothes, then taking off his hearing aid and glasses. He leaves them on the shelf above the sink, glad that he can’t see his still slightly boney body in the mirror. He’s put a bit of weight over the past few years, but he’s still skinny and his bones stand out a little. He sighs, stepping into the shower and turning it on. Steve takes a deep breath, as a spray of warm water hits him. He feels all of the tension leave his body, and he just stands there, enjoying the warmth. After a while, Steve cleans himself and washes his hair. He leaves the shower, quickly toweling himself, and puts on his clothes. He cleans his glasses before putting them on, then turns on his hearing aid and leaves the bathroom.

He steps into the kitchen just as Bucky finishes grating the apples. The brunette sends him a smile, nodding his head to the kitchen island, where everything’s already prepared.

“I forgot how long your showers are.” Bucky smirks, another strand of his hair falling out of the bun.

“Shuddup.” Steve mumbles, going up to him.

“Been waitin’ for you forever.” He teases, a smirk still on his face. Steve elbows him, shaking his head.

“Could’ve at least put the ingredients in the bowl, Buck.”

“Now, where’s the fun in that?” He chuckles, putting the grater into the sink.

Steve puts flour, sugar, water, oil and baking powder into the bowl and starts kneading it. Once he’s done, he puts the dough into the baking pan.

“You’re up, Buck.” He turns to the sink to wash his hands. They’ve always done it like this. He was kneading the dough because, as Bucky put it, ‘your artistic hands are better at this Stevie, I’d only mess it up’. Barnes was always in charge of the apples. Steve’s Ma taught him how to make them creamy and sweet. She’d never told her secret to Steve, and he’s never asked Bucky about it. He figuered his Ma knew what she was doing.

“Hey, Stevie?” He turns around, only to have flour blown onto his face. He squeaks, as Bucky starts to laugh. “It never gets old.”

“Buck!” He wipes his glasses, pretending to be mad. “‘S not funny anymore.”

“Sure is.” Bucky laughs, shaking his head. Steve furrows his brows, but he can’t keep a smile from spreading across his face. Bucky has a bit of flour on his face and, with hair still falling from his bun, he looks adorable. He realizes he’s staring as Bucky cocks an eyebrow at him. “What?”

“Nothin’.” He feels a blush creeping up onto his cheeks.

Bucky bites his lower lip, looking at Steve. He looks unbearably cute, his cheeks slightly pink, flour covering his face, with his still wet bangs on his forehead. He realizes how close they are and he’s suddenly overwhelmed with urge to kiss the blonde senseless. He swallows down hard, clutching his fists. “Can you get the cinnamon, please?” He turns around, his back to Steve now. He has to get his feelings under control, or he’s going to ruin everything.

“Sure.” Steve frowns at the sudden change in Bucky’s demeanour, but he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he opens the cupboard and takes out the spice. He stands beside the brunette, watching him pour the apples onto the dough. “There ya go.”

“Thanks.” Bucky breathes, taking cinnamon from Steve’s hand and sprinkling it on top of the apples. He takes the baking pan with his prosthetic, and puts it into the oven. Steve sets the timer for 40 minutes and leaves it on the counter. When Bucky turns around, Rogers takes a bit of flour in his hand.

“Buck?”

“Yeah?” When he turns around, Steve blows flour right into his face. “You asshole!” Steve erupts with laughter at Bucky’s shocked expression. He sneezes, as some flour had found its way into his nose. Bucky starts tickling him, causing Steve to shriek out loud.

“Stop!” He laughs, trying to wiggle out of Bucky’s grasp.

“You had it comin’!” The brunette doesn’t let him go, sinking down to the floor with Steve. He sits on top of the smaller man and tickle his sides, laughing.

“Bu — Bucky!” Steve wheezes in between fits of laughter. He tries to stop the other man with his hands, but Bucky takes his wrists with his prosthetic and pins them above his head.

“Say it!” He starts tickling his armpits, and Steve shrieks even louder. Tears starts falling down his eyes and he can’t stop laughing.

“No!” He tries again to wiggle out, but Bucky is stronger than him, pinning him down with his thighs. Steve tries hard not to focus on the feeling of Bucky sitting on his lower belly. Instead he arches his spine, and collapses back on the floor, overwhelmed with laughter.

Bucky giggles, _the bastard._ “Say it, Stevie!”

“Buck!” He yells, feeling his lungs start to struggle. “Fine… I give!”

Bucky immediately lets go of his wrists and leans down. “I thought so.”

“Jerk.” Steve breathes, no heat behind his words. He’s breathing deeply, realizing how close their faces are. All he has to do is lift his head a little.

Bucky blinks slowly, not able to look away from Steve’s eyes. The blonde’s looking up at him, the blue of his eyes deeper than ever. He’s right there, and Bucky’s brain has stopped working. Steve is breathing heavily underneath him, his heart beating quickly. He casts a quick glance at Steve’s lips and he can’t help but lick his own bottom lip. Steve’s eyes trace the movement of his tongue and he bites down hard. That seems to break Bucky away from his mind, as he quickly straightens up and gets off of Steve. He feels his cheeks flush as he sits beside the blonde, his head hanging down. Steve sits up too, looking at Bucky with his brows furrowed. He can’t help but think of the icy blue eyes, looking at him almost pleadingly, how Bucky looked at his lips… _Did he want to kiss him?_ The brunette was right there, all Steve had to do was lift his head up an inch. Maybe he should’ve done it. Maybe… He sighs. The moment’s gone, same as the slight flush on Bucky’s cheeks. He bites down against the inside of his cheek, trying to keep disappointment from showing on his face. He runs a hand through his hair, trying to get rid of the flour. It only makes things worse, as his hair is still damp, and now he has to wash it again.

“Steve?” Bucky’s voice sounds so small and shy, he can’t help but shift closer to him.

“Yeah?”

“I’m glad…” He clears his throat and lifts his head up. “I’m glad we’re friends again.”

Steve tries hard not to let his face fall. Friends. That’s all they are, all they can be. He swallows, his throat suddenly dry. “Me too, Buck.” He puts his hand on the other man’s thigh and squeezes. Bucky gives him a small, genuine smile and averts his gaze. Steve lets out a deep breath and rests his head on Bucky’s shoulder. They sit in silence, both lost in their thoughts.

▪️

After a while, the pair had retired into the living room. They talked for the whole time that the pie was cooking… and, for once they talked properly. Bucky told Steve about his men, and told him how he became friends with Clint. Steve told Buck how he’d gotten his first proper job, and how he’d met Sam. They almost let the pie burn, but luckily the cooker alarm started beeping.

So, now there’s two empty bowls on the coffee table; scraped clean. Steve is sat close to Bucky, his sketchpad open and not hidden away. Barnes watches the blonde sketching, and he smiles. He’s missed watching him work, and having Steve feel comfortable enough to let him see. After a while, Buck switches on the TV — knowing it won’t distract Steve, because onc she’s drawing, he’s in his own little world. But, about ten minutes later he notices that the pencil is no longer scribbling… and, Steve’s head is heavy against his shoulder. He glances down, and smirks. The dork has only gone and fallen asleep.

Bucky chuckles softly, and carefully takes the sketchpad and pencil away from him. He puts it on the arm of the sofa, and wraps an arm around Rogers. He sighs contentedly. This is just what he’s needed for all of this time.

He lets Steve sleep for as long as he needs, but he only stays still for about half an hour. Bucky doesn’t notice his eyes slowly open, and Rogers realises he’s safely tucked against Barnes’ side… he isn’t sure whether to move, or just pretend he’s still sleeping. Bucky must know he has his arm around Steve, right? Unfortunately, Steve starts coughing just a little, so he gives himself away.

“You’re awake,” Bucky says, looking down. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Steve mutters. “I might go lie down… just tired,” he attempts to sound believable.

“Call me if you need me,” Buck half smiles.

Nodding, Steve hurries off. He lies on the bed, and reaches under it to grab his bear — yes, it’s the only that Lily had made for him. It gives him comfort, but he’d hidden it for the past two weeks so that Buck didn’t tease him about it. He hugs it tight, and shuts his eyes.

Rogers must’ve fallen asleep again, because the next thing he knows, Bucky has him by the shoulders telling him to wake up. “Huh?” Steve barely opens his eyes, but then realises he can barely breathe.

“Christ, Steve!” Bucky exhales heavily, when he finally takes the inhaler. “You scared me!”

Steve falls backwards, and lies down flat again. “Sorry,” he whispers. Then, he glances sideways and realises that the bear is right beside him.

“I didn’t want to disturb you earlier,” Barnes says. “You looked adorable.” He smirks.

The blonde’s eyes widen. “Tell me you didn’t take a photo.” He whines.

“I would never!” Bucky laughs… but, Steve has a feeling that he did.

“Buck!” he furrows his brows, pretending to be upset.

“Come on, Stevie.” The brunette grins, sitting beside the other man. “You sure you’re alright, though?”

“I already told ya.” he mumbles, not meeting Bucky’s eyes.

“I can go to the drug store if you want.” He lifts his eyebrow in a silent question.

“I’m fine, Buck.” Steve whines, rolling his eyes. “We can go tomorrow if that’ll make ya happy.”

“Okay, then. I’ll let you go back to sleep.” The brunette stands up, reaching into his sweatpants pocket. “Hey, Steve?” He adds as an afterthought, turning back around towards the bed. The blonde lifts his head, raising an eyebrow. Bucky quickly pulls out a thermometer and presses it onto Steve’s forehead. The man squeaks, and tries to wiggle away from him. He loses his balance, his hand slipping from the edge of the bed and promptly falls off of it. He lands flat on his ass, with a loud yelp.

“Goddamnit, Bucky!” he growls.

The brunette bursts out laughing. “Only you, Steve!” he wheezes, throwing his head back. “To be fair, you brought it on yourself.”

“Shut up.” He snarls, no heat behind his words though. Steve stands up, stretching his back and sighs loudly. “Can I just sleep now?”

“Sure thing.” Bucky smirks, putting the thermometer back into his pocket, after seeing that the blond thankfully doesn’t have a fever. His eyes follow Steve, as the man gets back to bed and slips under the covers. He bites down on his lower lip to stop the smile threatening to spread on his face. He shakes his head slightly, suddenly overwhelmed with his feelings. Steve looks so adorable without his glasses, his hair messy and standing out. All he wants to do is run his hand through the golden strands and kiss the blonde’s forehead. Instead, he turns around, putting his hands into his pockets.

“Buck?” Steve’s voice is small and pleading, and the brunette already knows he’s gonna say yes, no matter what the question is. “Stay? Just till I fall asleep… Please?”

Bucky furrows his brows and the blonde’s heart starts racing. He curse inwardly for putting himself in that situation again. The feeling of embarrassment and rejection is still fresh in his memory, but he has to try again. He knows now what Bucky’s afraid of, that’s why he’s only asked the man to stay till he falls asleep.

“Steve, I…” the blonde’s face falls as he already knows the answer. He lets out a breath he hasn’t realized he’s been holding and tries to smile, even though he knows it falls flat. “Okay.”

“What?” His eyebrows shoot up, surprise clear on his face. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Bucky breathes, smiling softly. “Move over, punk.”

Steve quickly shuffles on the empty side of his bed. It’s always been too empty, too big only for him. He can’t keep a smile off his face, as he realizes that for the first time in over five years he’ll finally fall asleep next to someone. He suddenly feels a lump in his throat. Not only next to someone, but next to Bucky. God, he’s been dreaming about this for so long, he has no idea what to do now that it’s happening. He lies still, waiting for the other man to settle down. When Bucky sits comfortably and leans back on the headrest, Steve moves closer to him. He’s not sure how close he should get though, so he leaves a bit of space between them.

“I don’t bite, Steve.” Bucky chuckles, resting his right hand on the other man’s shoulder. “C’mere.” He whispers.

Steve feels a shiver go down his spine and he licks his lips, his throat suddenly dry. He does as he’s told though, shuffling closer to Bucky. He rests his head on the other’s man belly, feeling the hard muscle underneath him. His hands close around the brunette’s waist and he inhales deeply. God, he’s missed it. He closes his eyes and hides his face in Bucky’s shirt. The other man chuckles softly, gently running his hand through Steve’s hair. He’s sure his lower lip must be bleeding from how hard he bit down to keep himself from moaning out loud.

“That good?” Bucky breathes, not wanting to disturb the silence.

“Mhmm…” The blonde murmurs, already half asleep.

“Your hearing aid, Stevie.” he hushes, sticking his palm out. Steve whines at the loss of the hand in his hair, but takes the device out of his ear. Bucky takes it from him and puts in on the night stand, right beside his glasses. Then, he returns to playing with the other man’s hair, brushing it gently off of his face. He looks down at the gold puddle on his stomach and smiles to himself. He wanted to run his hand through it for so long now, he can’t believe he’s actually doing it. It feels so intimate, just like before. He used to do that for Steve all the time. He’d brush his bangs out of his eyes when he was sick, tired or drawing. He’d do that everytime he could, as he’s always found it so personal and special. He knows how much Steve loves it, but he’s sure he loves it more. Suddenly, there’s a lump in his throat, his emotions taking over him yet again.

▪️


	22. The One Where It All Goes To Hell.

**_Monday, 30th October._ **

Steve wakes up with a start. He blinks rapidly, his dream fading away. Sighing, he rubs his eyes and squints, adjusting to the sun shining through the drawn blinds. He pulls the covers off of himself, then sits on the edge of the bed and stretches, popping his spine. He runs a hand through his hair, wishing it to stop looking like a bird nest. He knows it’s a lost cause though, as he can’t really see what he’s doing. He takes his hearing aid from the nightstand and puts in on, then does the same with his glasses. His vision is still blurry, so he takes them off and cleans them with the hem of his shirt. He puts them back on and jumps off the bed, not realizing that Bucky’s sitting curled up on the floor beside it. The squeak of the floor must’ve woken him up, because the brunette jumps to his feet, his metal hand curling into a fist. He’s crouching, looking ready for a fight and Steve freezes. His eyebrows shot up to his hairline in confusion. He has no idea what Bucky’s doing in his bedroom, let alone why he was sleeping on the floor.

“Bucky?” He hesitates, making a small step towards the other man.

“What the—” He cuts himself short, frowning in confusion. His eyes scan the room and he shakes his head slightly. “Fuck.” He breathes, looking at his metal fist.

“Buck?” Steve tries again, making yet another step towards him.

“Oh God, are you okay? Did I hurt you?” His face twists with horror and Steve’s heart sinks.

“No! No, Bucky, I’m alright.” He tries to assure the other man, but the brunette doesn’t meet his gaze. Instead, he sags his shoulders and puts his prosthetic behind himself.

“I’m so sorry, Steve, I’m —” He stops, biting his lower lip. He sinks back on the floor, drawing his knees up to his chin, and tucks his metal arm between his chest and his legs. “I knew this would happen, I shouldn’t have come here. Fuck…” he mumbles under his breath, still no able to look at Steve.

“Buck, it’s okay.” The blonde kneels in front of him, then puts his hand on the other man’s knee and squeezes reassuringly. “What… I mean, why were you sleepin’ on the floor?” He asks quietly, afraid of upsetting Bucky even more.

“You…” he lifts his head, but then quickly looks back down. “You were havin’ troubles breathing at night and I— I just wanted to make sure you were alright.” His cheeks are a little pink and Steve can’t stop the small smile that appears on his face. “Guess I fell asleep in here.” He whispers, shrugging.

“That’s—”

“Which reminds me,” he interrupts, pointing his index finger towards Steve. “Drug store. Now.” His voice is stern, as he narrows down his eyes at the blonde.

“Sir, yes Sir.” He lifts his palms up, figuring it’s not worth to fight over this. He’ll do anything to keep Bucky’s mind off of what’s just happened. “Lemme at least get changed?”

“And eat breakfast too, Stevie, come on.” The brunette shakes his head and gets up, then leaves the room.

Steve goes to his drawer and pulls out a pair of boxer briefs. Then, he turns to his closet and decides on dark skinny jeans and a blue sweater. He quickly changes, then makes the bed and folds his pajamas neatly on top of it. He goes to the bathroom to relieve himself, then brushes his teeth and takes his meds. When he steps into the kitchen, Bucky’s already put on coffee and is currently inhaling one of the cups. The other is placed on the kitchen island, next to a plate of toasts.

“Thanks.” Steve smiles, genuinely surprised. He hops up on one of the stools and digs in.

“Sure.” Bucky replies, not looking at the blonde. He’s looking out the window, seemingly deep in thoughts. Steve kicks himself mentally for not doing more to reassure the other man that whatever happened in the bedroom was fine. Sure, he got scared for a bit, but he was mostly confused. He sighs, knowing there’s no point in bringing that up now.

“You’re not eatin’?” He asks in between bites of his toast.

“I’m good.” Bucky’s voice is distant, his hand clutching his mug tightly. “Imma go change and off we go.” He casts a quick glance towards Steve, then leaves the kitchen.

He enters the living room and takes his duffle bag from behind the couch. He puts in onto his shoulder and goes to the bathroom, glancing at Steve on his way. The other man is still sitting on the stool, enjoying his morning coffee. Bucky sighs entering the bathroom, then puts his hair into a bun on the top of his head. He washes his face, hoping that cold water will bring some clarity to his mind. Then, he brushes his teeth and strips himself from the t-shirt and pajama pants he’s wearing. Barnes puts on some briefs, then pulls a black henley over his head. He puts on a pair of black cargo pants and zips up his bag. He then leaves the bathroom, dropping his duffle in the entry hallway, and goes into the kitchen.

“You good to go?” Bucky leans on the door frame, looking at Steve who’s stood near the sink, finishing drying the dishes.

“Yeah.” The blonde smiles, though it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

They put on their shoes and jackets, Bucky making sure Steve puts on his hat too, then leave the apartment. They head down the street at slow pace, so as no to trigger the blonde’s asthma. They walk in silence, Steve afraid of saying the wrong thing and Bucky lost in his thoughts. He’s still mad at himself for falling asleep in the other man’s room. That’s what he’s been afraid of when he first started crashing at Steve’s. He knows how dangerous and harmful the arm can be, especially when he’s not fully aware of his whereabouts. If Steve was any closer to him, or if the sound that awoken him was louder, God knows what could’ve happened. He knows better than to put the other man in this kind of danger, and yet he did just that.

He’s ex-military for crying out loud, he should be able to stay awake as long as he needs to. He’s managed to do it for such a long time — the last couple of nights spent at Steve’s place he’s barely closed his eyes. He knows he should sleep for an entire night, but he can’t. He can’t risk it, not with the blonde, and he likes staying over at his place. Sure, he loves Becca, William, and Lily, but it’s Steve. So what if he’s lacking sleep? If it he gets to spend some quality time with the man he’s in love with, he’ll do it. Even though the said man has no idea. God, that’s pathetic. Bucky knows — he _knows_ — he has to tell Steve how he feels, but he’s afraid. He’s afraid of losing what they have right now, even though he wants more. God, does he want more. But, the blonde broke up with him, and he still hasn’t answered the question Bucky asked in the hospital. Steve was probably too out of it to notice, but he remembers. And he’s scared shitless. Because, what if that’s the truth? What if Steve broke up with him, because he didn’t love him anymore, still doesn’t? Bucky’d rather be friends with him and suffer inside, then destroy one of the few good things in his life right now.

Logically, he knows that there’s a chance, of course he does. He sees all the soft smiles Steve sends his way, the pleading eyes and quick glances. Hell, even the way the blonde asked him to stay the other night. Bucky risked it all telling him to come closer, but the other man did and, God, the way it made him feel. He felt like he was whole again, like none of the things that happened overseas — the ops, the kills, the IED — like none of it matters. But, he has to be realistic. They’ve only scratched the topic of their break up, and that was when Steve was probably high on his meds. It wasn’t a deep, meaningful conversation and Buck knows he should just let it go. What he knows, and what he can do are two totally different things though.

They’re near the drug store, the sign already in their sight, when Bucky hears it.

 _“Barnes?!”_ He stops dead in his tracks, his blood freezing. Recognizing the voice instantly, the brunette curses under his breath, then turns around slowly, noting that Steve’s stopped too, and is now looking at him with his eyebrows arched. “I thought that was you! Long time no see, yo?”

“Brock.” He states calmly, wishing his expression to stay neutral. He hasn’t seen Rumlow since their wedding. He’s written a letter to him, but hasn’t got any response, and has no idea how the guy’s gonna treat him. He knows damn well he doesn’t deserve much kindness, he just wishes Steve wasn’t here to witness it.

“You still wearing that bun, huh?” Bucky shrugs. He wants to talk to him, to explain things, but, not here. Not in the middle of a street, with the very guy he’s left Brock for by his side. “Still doesn’t suit you though. Should’ve listened to me when you had a chance.” He smirks.

“Good to see you too.” He responds quickly seeing that Steve’s already getting ready to give the guy a piece of his mind.

“Never said that.” A smirk leaves his face, his eyes now narrowing at Bucky.

“What’re you doin’ here?” He says unperplexed, expecting from Brock just that.

“Errands.” The guy shrugs one shoulder. “You?”

“Same.” He tries hard to keep his face neutral, even though his heart is racing. He was supposed to be married to the guy and now they’re having problems with a civil conversation. He wants to make sure Brock’s okay, but he knows better than to ask. Rumlow’s always been a tough guy, showing his other side to Bucky every once in a while. He was a charmer when he wanted to be, though. He swallows down hard, remembering all the shared moments they’d had.

That’s when Brock seems to notice Steve. At first he casts him a quick glance, obviously thinking that the blonde isn’t anyone important. Then, his eyes widen as the realization hits him. Bucky sighs, suspecting what’s coming. He’d told Brock about Steve, of course he had. They were supposed to get married and Bucky wanted the other man to know his past. He hadn’t mentioned Steve in his letter though, and he can only dread what realization Brock’ll come to.

“You’re not gonna introduce me?” He sends Bucky a fake smile, his eyes calculating.

“Brock, that’s Steve.” He nods his head towards the blonde. “Steve, Brock.”

“Steve, you say?” Rumlow cocks his eyebrow, faking a surprise, as he shakes the blonde’s hand. “Huh. That’s funny. Wasn’t your ex named Steve too?” He sends Buck a well-practiced smirk, causing the brunette to curse inwardly. There goes civil conversation.

“Brock —” He starts calmly, but is quickly interrupted.

“No, no, Sarge,’ he snarls, picking up on Bucky’s rank. He’d always make a harmless joke of it, as he was a First Lieutenant. Right now though, he means it, and spits the rank like it’s nothing. “I think I remember correctly, now don’t I?”

“Yes.” Steve states, a stern edge to his voice. Bucky sends him a pleading glance, but the blonde is already narrowing his eyes at Brock, sensing his hostile attitude.

“Oh, that’s hilarious. Don’t tell me it’s him.” He scoffs, looking at Steve up and down, a mean expression written across his face.

“Stop.” Bucky says firmly, straightening up, but keeping his left hand still in his jacket.

“You were in love with _him?_ ” He stresses the last word, laughing and throwing his head back. “I really am way out of your league.”

“Brock, leave it. I mean it.” He steps in front of Steve, shielding him with his body.

“Oh, that’s sweet. You still are.” He smiles, than narrows down his eyes. “You could’ve been married to me now, y’know? I’d make you feel so good, just like I used to.” He takes a step forward, coming into Bucky’s personal space, and smirks. “I know you remember.” He licks his lips, looking directly at Bucky now.

“We’re done, Rumlow.” he growls back at him, curling his fists and jutting out his jaw.

“You really left me for him though? He’s what, 5’2?” Rumlow scoffs and looks behind Bucky, frowning. “Anyone could knock him down.”

“That’s enough.” He snaps through clenched teeth. “Pick on me all you want, but leave Steve out of it.”

“Oh, you gotta defend him too? Is he even good for anything, really?”

“Who the fuck —” Steve starts, taking a step forward, but Bucky stops him with his right hand.

“I said leave him alone.” Barnes snarls, taking his prosthetic out of his jacket and curling it into fist.

“Or what? You’re not good for much these days too, y’know. Guess that IED took more than just your arm.” He scoffs once again, noting the pain crossing Bucky’s face.

“You fuckin’ asshole.” Steve snarls. Bucky is considerably quicker though, grabbing him by the arm to stop the guy from decking Rumlow right where he stands.

“Steve, don’t. He’s not worth it.” He pleads, looking downwards at the blonde.

“Oh, you’re the one to talk!” Brock laughs, shaking his head. “Tell me, Steve, he ever tell you how he left me at the altar? And, I mean it literally.” The blonde’s confused expression tells Brock everything he needs to know. “I thought so. You’re not worth much yourself, Barnes.”

“You done now?” The brunette growls, the plates of his arm whirring loudly.

“Oh, I’m just getting started.” Brock’s amused expression sends a shiver go down Bucky’s spine.

“We’re leavin’.” He says sternly, turning around.

“Ahh, always the coward.” Rumlow mocks, shaking his head slightly. “You really are nothing Barnes. Not a day goes by that I’m not grateful you left me at that altar.”

Bucky turns back abruptly towards Brock, the guy smiling maliciously. He lifts his prosthetic and points his index finger straight at the other man’s chest. “You wanna do it the other way? ‘Cause I’m happy to do that.” His voice is low, his teeth clenched and eyes narrowed down. Rumlow curls his hands into fists and grins.

Steve quickly takes Bucky by his right hand and squeezes tightly. “Come on Buck, let’s go.”

“Yeah, Buck,” he mocks, “listen to your dear little blondie.”

The brunette lets out a long breath, but finally gives in and reluctantly lets Steve pull him away. They turn around and start walking towards the drug store in silence. Bucky’s left hand clenches again, when he hears Brock’s mocking laughter, but he doesn’t react in any other way. He stops in front of the doors to the store, anger still buzzing throughout his body.

“What’s wrong?” Steve asks, concern written all over his face.

“You go, I’ll wait here.” He says not meeting the boy’s eyes, his posture still rigid.

“You sure?” Rogers’ brow furrows, as he rests a hand on Bucky’s shoulder.

“I hafta make a call.” He nods, then turns around and walks away.

Bucky ducks into a back alley and leans against the wall, feeling close to a panic attack. He’s breathing heavily, the emotions catching up with him all at once. He never expected to see Brock again, and that alone left him in shock. He has to admit that the guy looked good, with a leather jacket and black jeans, a five o’clock shadow on his face. What really got into him was the guy’s words though. He knew Rumlow probably hates him, and he has no right to expect otherwise, but it’s still a lot. Bucky has a hard time processing how all of the past praise and love declarations have suddenly turned into just despising and hatred. He takes a shaky breath inwards, the conversation still playing over and over in his head. He has to bite down hard on his lower lip, remembering that Brock called him worthless and a coward. He was right to do that, and Bucky’s left feeling exactly that right now. He pulls his phone out of his pocket, and quickly dials a number.

“Bruce Banner.”

“Hello, it’s umm, Bucky,” he clears his throat, his voice sounding small and shaken. “Bucky Barnes. Can— can we talk?” He closes his eyes, letting out another shaky breath.

“Of course, what happened?” Dr Banner sounds alarmed and concerned, and the brunette sags his shoulders. Yet another person that he’s disappointed.

“I… I just ran into Brock. I was out with Steve, and he recognised him. I tried to stay calm but he started pickin’ on him, and I— I couldn’t let him do that. The look on his face… God, I, I can’t —“ he stops, taking a breath to temporarily calm himself. “He said I’m worthless. I am, aren’t I?” He chuckles hysterically, then gnaws against his lower lip to keep it from trembling. “I am worthless, I’m nothin’, I’m such a coward, I—”

“Bucky.” Dr Banner interrupts his train of thoughts, his voice stern. “You know that’s not true. I get that you’re unnerved after seeing Brock unexpectedly, but you can’t go down that path again, not after the progress you’ve made. Focus on yourself instead of his words. You said that you stood up for Steve?”

“I couldn’t let Brock take it out on him, I mean — nothin’ that’s happened is his fault. I left Rumlow because I love Steve, sure, but the guy has no idea. I’m the one to blame here.” He says matter of factly, taking deep breaths.

“You’re not to blame Bucky, and you’re not a coward. Leaving Brock was the right thing to do, you’ve said so yourself. Look, this isn’t a conversation to have on a phone, so why don’t you come to my office tomorrow morning? We’ll get over Brock’s words then and in the meantime I want you to focus on Steve. The guy must be confused, and maybe talking to him will help you see the bigger picture here. If I remember correctly, you didn’t tell him how you left Brock?”

“He did that for me just now.” He mumbles, finally starting to calm down.

“Then explain it to him, tell him your reasons. If he’s anything you say he is, he’ll help you realize what you did was brave and right.”

“I’ll try.” he breathes, slowly opening his eyes.

“Do that. And remember the grounding technique we’ve practised. Can you do that now?”

“I uhh… yeah.” Bucky looks around. “I see the building opposite, the cars on the street, the fire escape, people coming by and uhh… a trash can.”

“Good, go on.”

“I can feel, well, the bricks I’m leanin’ against, strings of hair on my face, the phone in my hand and the texture of my jacket?” he phrases it like a question, not sure if that counts.

“Whatever works for you, Bucky. Now, what can you hear?”

“Well, you,” he chuckles, feeling the panic attack fading away. “The cars and cats under the dumpster.”

“Alright, now two smells.”

“The dumpster, definitely, and uhh…” he takes a deep breath. “Well, Brooklyn, y’know.”

“Yeah, I know.” Bucky can hear the smile in his therapist's voice. “What can you taste?”

“You mean other than the blood from bitin’ my lip too hard?” He says light-heartedly, knowing Dr Banner won’t be too happy.

“Bucky.” His stern voice is what he was expecting.

“I know, I know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, just stop hurting yourself.”

“Noted.” Buck nods his head, knowing Dr Banner can’t even see that.

“You think you’ll be okay ‘till our meeting tomorrow?” He asks, concern laced throughout his tone.

“Yeah, thank you.”

“That’s what I’m here for. Oh, and Bucky? I don’t want to pressure you, and don’t feel like it’s obligatory for your well-being, but maybe while explaining things to Steve... tell him how you feel? Do it for him, if not for yourself.” With that he ends the call. Bucky stares at his phone screen, blinking rapidly.

He’s never thought about it. Well, of course he thought about telling Steve he loves him, but it never occurred to him to do it for the guy, and not for himself. Sure, he can live without the blonde knowing, but maybe the other man deserves that, and deserves the truth. After all, he’s let Bucky back into his life, and not telling him feels like lying. He bites down on his lip yet again, pocketing his phone, then steps out of the alley and goes back towards the drug store.

▪️


	23. The One With The Talk.

They came back home a little before noon. Bucky joined Steve at the drug store while the blonde was paying for his meds, and they went to grab lunch on their way back. They haven’t talked much though, the brunette still lost inside his head. Both men are sat in the living room now, watching reruns of Friends, neither of them really paying attention to the TV screen.

Steve wants to ask about the man they’ve just encountered , but he doesn’t want to overstep; he figures it’s a delicate, thorny subject for Bucky and he doesn’t want to upset him even more. He can’t stop thinking about what that Brock guy said though. He knows it must’ve been Bucky’s ex fiancee, but did Barnes really leave him right at the altar? They’ve never talked about it. Sure, he remembers bits and pieces of the conversation from when he was in hospital, but all he knows is that Bucky didn’t get married. He’s never gone into detail about it and Steve hasn’t asked, knowing that it’s much too personal to pry.

And then there’s something else. The man said that Bucky left him for Steve, which can’t be true. _Right?_ The brunette said he left because he didn’t love him, but he didn’t say anything about there being someone else. Steve’s sure he’d remember that. So, why was Brock so sure that Bucky left him for Steve? Yes, they were together once, but they’re just friends now and it doesn’t make any sense. Especially because the guy was right — there was no chance in hell that Bucky’d leave him for Steve. He’s everything that the blonde isn’t — tall, handsome and visibly muscular. Standing beside Brock he felt impossibly smaller, and that was before the man actually looked at him, not to mention how he talked about him like he wasn’t even here. Steve’s self-esteem went lower and lower with every minute they spent with the guy, and even Bucky standing up for him didn’t help that.

That is another thing currently running through his head. He knew Bucky would always stand up for him — he’s been doing that since they first met. But, he wasn’t expecting him to literally shield him with his body, stepping between him and Brock. It was like the brunette wanted him out of the other man’s reach, which made him wonder if the guy was ever violent towards others. He knows Brock is military, and it’s unnerving to even think about Bucky’s reasons for stepping in front of him. Now that he thinks of it, Steve’s glad that Buck never told him any details about his latest relationship. If Brock’d ever hurt Bucky, Steve knows he wouldn’t have been able to keep his anger at bay.

Steve’s pulled out of his thoughts when Bucky clears his throat and stands up.

“I’m gonna go for a walk, you need anythin’?” He asks, glancing downwards at the blonde.

Steve shakes his head. “I’m good.”

“Okay then,” he leaves the room, not turning back. A minute passes by, then Steve hears the door open and close. He sighs. They’ve been doing so good lately, and now it all seems to be going back to hell.

He turns the TV off and stands up, stretching his spine. He goes to his desk that’s placed by the window and fires up his laptop. He hasn’t touched his work in so long, so he’s behind a schedule with a few commissions. Steve sits down in his chair and pulls out his graphic tablet from one of the drawers, deciding to bury himself in some drawing for a while. He puts on his favorite indie playlist and gets lost in work.

▪️

Bucky arrives back late in the afternoon. He knocks on the door with his right hand, the left one holding takeout boxes from Steve’s favorite restaurant. He knows he’s probably been making the poor guy anxious with his behaviour today, not to mention the encounter with Brock. He needed some time alone to think about everything he wants to tell Steve — Rumlow, the wedding, and his feelings. He’s still not ready to talk about his service though, and he’s glad the blonde isn’t asking him to do that anytime soon.

He smiles when Steve opens the door. “Y’know you can just walk in, right?”

“I know.” Bucky shrugs and walks into the apartment. He hands over the takeout, then shrugs his jacket off, toeing off his shoes. “I got us some pasta, that okay?”

“Sure. You wanna watch a movie while eatin’ or…?” Steve goes down the entry hallway, wandering around the kitchen door.

“Yeah.” Buck nods, then follows the blonde into the living room. He flops down on the couch and takes the boxes out of the bag, leaving one for Steve on the coffee table. He crosses his legs and digs in, letting the other man chose a movie from his Netflix queue.

They eat in silence, both pretending to pay attention to what’s happening on the screen in front of them. Once they’re done, Bucky takes the empty boxes to the recycle can in the kitchen, and comes back with orange juice and two glasses. They continue the movie, sitting much too far away from each other for their liking, none of them brave enough to shift closer.

Bucky’s wrestling with his thoughts. He wants to talk to Steve, but at the same time he has no idea how to start. He keeps taking deep breaths, but he chickens out as soon as his mouth opens. He keeps shaking his head slightly, cursing himself inwardly. Steve notices, but doesn’t say anything, not wanting to jump into something neither of them is ready for. They stay like that almost until the end of the movie. Finally, Bucky clears his throat, pressing the pause button on the remote.

“Steve?” He turns towards him, his expression unreadable. The guy looks up at him through his eyelashes, his eyes bluer than ever behind his glasses. Bucky swallows down hard seeing hope and concern written all over Steve’s face. He feels a pang his in chest, knowing that he’s the reason for the blonde’s internal turmoil. He averts his gaze, biting down on his lip, only to look up again in a second. They lock eyes, and Bucky feels so much love for the guy in this very moment that it’s overwhelming. All he wants to do is kiss him senseless and promise that he’ll always be by his side. Instead, he sighs and hangs his head down, all the courage leaving him at once.

“Nevermind.” He breathes, then stands up yet again. “I should go back to Becca’s.” He mumbles and leaves the room without turning back. He doesn’t see Steve’s pained expression and hunched shoulders.

Bucky puts on his shoes and takes his jacket into his hand, leaving as quickly as possible. He closes the door behind himself, then leans against it, exhaling loudly. He’s just had the perfect opportunity and he ruined it yet again. He closes his eyes, clenching his fists. Bucky bites down hard on his lip to keep it from trembling. In his head telling Steve the truth is so easy, but in reality it scares the living shit out of him. Brock was right, he really is a coward.

Then a sudden realization hits him. No. He can’t let Rumlow be right, not about this. He has to grow some balls and own up to his feelings. He clenches his teeth, energy buzzing through him, and turns the doorknob, going back into the apartment. He marches right back into the living room, throwing his jacket on the couch. Steve’s sat right where Bucky left him, only now his knees are drown up to his chin, his arms around his legs. The blonde looks up at him, a frown on his face. Bucky puts his hand on his hips, and looks right at the other man. It’s now or never.

“Okay, Steve, here’s the truth.” He looks down, not able to keep the eye contact, too afraid to see Rogers’ reaction. “I love you. I’m in love with you. Hell, I’ve never stopped lovin’ you. I’ve tried, God knows I’ve tried. I almost married Brock for crying out loud! But I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t—” He takes a deep, shaky breath, trying to calm himself.

“I know I’m an ass for leavin’ him at the altar. I still feel like a dick about it, but it would’ve been a mistake. Now don’t get me wrong, I loved him, at least I thought I did. But seeing you at that damn coffee shop right before the wedding… It made me realize that I’ve clearly never stopped lovin’ you. I mean, how could I?” He risks a glance at the blonde, but quickly looks away again. “Steve you’re — you’re so damn perfect. You’re smart, and witty, and you’re such a spitfire it drives me crazy sometimes. You know what you stand for and you’re not afraid of showing it and you’re just —” He makes a vague hand gesture towards the guy, shrugging one shoulder. “You’re so handsome it leaves me breathless and I love you so much, Steve. I love you so much.” Bucky’s sudden energy leaves him all at once, and he sags his shoulders, keeping his eyes down.

“You don’t have to say anythin’, just please don’t hate me? I know I don’t deserve you, not after everything I’ve done in Afghanistan. I’m no ready to talk about it just yet, but Steve, if you knew—” His voice breaks, and he takes a deep breath, his fists curling. “I wanna be friends with you, but I’ll understand if you don’t want that anymore. Just, please, don’t cut me off. Please?” He pleads, then takes a deep breath.

Steve stays silent, and Bucky gets more anxious with every second that passes by. He bites his lower lip so hard he draws blood, but he pays no attention to it. He sits on the couch, leaving space between the two of them, and only then he risks looking across. Steve’s expression is unreadable, which is something he’s not used to. Bucky starts fiddling with the hem of his henley anxiously.

“Please say somethin’, you’re scaring the hell outta me.” He whispers, averting his gaze.

“Buck…” Steve breathes. He has no idea what to say. After the brunette left he thought that everything between them was permanently ruined, and suddenly the situation seems to have changed so much. He’s left simply speechless. His head’s spinning from so many emotions. “I— I don’t know what to say.”

“Anythin’, Stevie, please.” Barnes pleads again, looking up at the other man, his vulnerability visible all over his face.

“Well, you surprised me, that’s for sure.” He tries to smile, but it falls flat. He shakes his head, trying to find the right words. “I don’t… I mean, why now?” He turns to Bucky, furrowing his brows.

“You deserve to know that. I couldn’t keep lyin’, not to you. I was never any good at keepin’ secrets from you.”

“Thank you.” He says genuinely, putting his hand on Bucky’s and squeezing tightly. The brunette looks at their hands, continuing to bite down on his lower lip. “Look at me, Buck.” He waits for the other man to return his gaze and then entwines their fingers. “I love you too, y’know.” He whispers, their eyes locked.

“You do?” The brunette murmurs, not really believing his ears. He looks so insecure and broken, Steve’s heart aches for him.

“‘Course I do. Always have, Buck.”

“Then why…?” He still looks like he doesn’t believe it, his eyes downcast, and Steve curses himself yet again for breaking up with the guy all of those years ago.

“‘Cause I’m an idiot. ‘Cause no matter how many times you’ll say it, I’ll still think that I’m not good enough for ya. ‘Cause I’d rather be miserable than be a burden for you. ‘Cause I can’t live without you, and the very thought of you going overseas scared the shit outta me… and, you deserved to find love and not have me to worry about. You deserved adventures, you deserved so much more than just… Steve Rogers.” His voice cracks slightly, but he immediately clears his throat.

“Stevie, you’re not an idiot, and you’re definitely not a burden. You’re more than I could ask for and more than I’ll ever deserve. I’m not— I’m not who I used to be, you gotta know this. I’m a mess, I’m… I don’t—” His voice breaks yet again and he leans forward, resting their foreheads together and closing his eyes. “I love you.” Bucky breathes against his lips. Then, “Can I kiss you?”

“Please.” Steve murmurs. The brunette closes the gap between them and presses their lips together. At first it’s just a soft press, nothing more. Then Bucky nips on his lower lip and Steve lets out a contented sigh, opening his lips invitingly. He puts his free hand around Bucky’s neck as the other man licks into his lips. Steve’s heartbeat picks up as he moves his head slightly to the right, deepening the kiss. It’s still soft and slow though, both of them enjoying the feeling of one another.

They pull apart after a while, both of them grinning. Bucky licks his lips, keeping eye contact with Steve. “You have no idea how long I wanted to do that.” He whispers.

“I think I do,” The blonde chuckles, shaking his head slightly.

“ I wanna tell you everythin’ — About Brock and the wedding, I mean.” Bucky says softly, looking down.

“Go ahead, then.”

They lean back on the couch, keeping their fingers entwined. Steve starts making circles with his thumb on Bucky’s hand, reassuring him.

“Remember when I told ya about Clint?” The blonde nods, not wanting to interrupt. Bucky takes a deep breath, before continuing. “I can’t go into any details, but there was an explosion once, and he was too close. He lost his hearing in both ears and had to learn how to sign. I wanted to help him, so I visited him in the hospital every chance I had — that’s how I met Brock, they were in the same room together. At first I thought he was just bored and that’s why he was so chatty whenever I was there, but then we started talkin’ more and more and I kept visitin’ him when Clint got out. It wasn’t anythin’ big at the beginnin’, just a fling. We were pretty much hidin’ ‘cause I was still a nobody in the army and he was already a Second Lieutenant. But then I started makin’ a name for myself and goin’ higher up the ranks and we couldn’t keep it a secret no more. Then during my last tour…” He stops, taking a shaky breath.

Steve squeezes his hand tightly, waiting patiently for the other to continue. “A few things happened, including this.” Bucky breathes, lifting his prosthetic. His face twists with pain at the memory, and he shakes his head. “I was in hospital in Afghanistan for about two weeks until they could fly me back here. They wouldn’t let him see me, he wasn’t family. He left the Army, comin’ back with me and proposed as soon as I was conscious. He said that knowin’ I almost died and not bein’ able to see me was the worst experience in his life…” Bucky whispers, closing his eyes. He takes a few deep breaths, remembering Dr Banner’s calming techniques. “He organised the wedding while I was in hospital. We waited for like two months, both of us needing to adjust back to civilian life. Then the day before the wedding…” He turns to Steve, his eyes full of love and affection. “I came to that coffee shop by accident, I swear. Becca’s never told me anythin’ about you once she knew about Brock. But, seein’ you there… I had no idea what to do, I panicked. I pushed you out of my mind, knowin’ it won’t change anythin. I thought I was in love.” Bucky snorts, shaking his head slightly. “I had a dream about you, though. I remembered it just before the ceremony and Becca found me in the tent, panic attack in full force. She talked me through it and I told her that I still love you. Then I fled, and, well, rest is history.”

Bucky rests his head on the couch, tired after everything that’s happened today. He looks at Steve, smiling shyly, whilst waiting for his reaction. The guy seems deep in thought, taking everything in. They sit in silence for a bit, their hands still clasped together.

“Thank you.” Steve murmurs, leaning in and giving Bucky a quick peck on the lips. “Can I ask you somethin’, though?

“Anythin’, Stevie.” He breathes, enjoying the closeness.

“The way you stood in between me and Brock earlier today…” he drifts off, afraid of voicing his thoughts. Bucky furrows his eyebrows, not knowing what he means at first. Then a realization hits him, and his face falls. Steve winces, anger flooding through him. “Buck…” he whispers, shock and concern in his voice.

“It wasn’t like that, Steve.” He mumbles, looking down. “After I got out of the hospital, it was hard. We were livin’ together, and the nightmares… We both had our problems. Plus, you can probably tell that Brock has anger issues. He’s a charmer when he wants to be, but sometimes… He’s a tough guy, he doesn’t really take no for an answer.” The brunette sags his shoulders and keeps his head down, acting ashamed. “After I got the arm, sometimes it was the only way.” He admits in a whisper.

“Bucky, that’s not an excuse.” Steve says sternly, lifting the other man’s chin and forcing him to look up. “There’s never an excuse. Buck, you’re so… I can’t —” he stops, blinking rapidly, his voice shaking.

“I know, Stevie.” he whispers, sounding resigned.

“But you wanted to marry him!” Rogers exclaims, shaking his head.

“After everythin’ that happened in Afghanistan, I thought it was exactly what I deserved.”

“You deserve the world Buck, honestly, I —” Steve’s face twists with pain. He crawls on top of Bucky’s legs, pinning him down with his thighs. He takes the other man’s face in his hand, looking him fiercely in the eyes. He missed this steel, icy blue, looking at him with raw honesty and affection. “I’m gonna make sure you know that.” He says in a low voice, then leans down and presses his lips to Bucky’s.

Steve bites his lower lip, gently sucking on it. Then he tilts his head to deepen the kiss. It’s heated, and messy, their teeth clattering every once in a while. Bucky puts his hands on Steve’s hips, grounding him, as the blonde fists his hand in his long hair, tugging slightly. Bucky groans, the sound sending a shiver down Steve’s spine. He rolls his hips once, letting out a moan, then pulls back, out of breath. He rests his head on Bucky’s shoulder, breathing deeply, his hand still in the other man’s hair. The brunette puts his arms around Steve, pulling him closer, then closes his eyes. They stay like that, both catching their breaths, just enjoying one another’s presence.

▪️

Steve had retired to bed pretty early — around half past eight. Bucky, however, is still awake at almost ten past eleven. He’d decided to just watch TV, and eventually fall asleep on the couch. But, for the past twenty or so minutes he’s heard movement from inside of Steve’s bedroom. He decides to go and investigate, just to make sure he’s alright, and switches off the TV.

Barnes knocks lightly against his bedroom door. “Stevie?”

There’s no answer, so he carefully opens it and tiptoes inside. It’s still dark, but Bucky can just about make out Steve's silhouette curled up on the bed. “Everythin” okay?” He asks, stepping forwards some more.

Once again, no reply. Bucky sits down on the bed, and reaches out. “Ow,” Steve squeaks. “That was my eye.” He grumbles.

“Cooperate with me, dork.” Bucky mutters back, eventually locating his forehead. He shuffles closer, and frowns. “You’re shiverin’, Stevie.”

“Go away,” Rogers huffs.

Barnes chuckles lightly. He pulls the duvet off of the blonde, who yelps momentarily. “Do you want me to sit with you?” He whispers.

“Yes, please.”

“Did you take any aspirin?”

“Yes,” Steve mumbles.

He moves closer to Bucky, and rests his head against his chest. “It’s Halloween tomorrow, we need some candy.” Steve murmurs sleepily.

“I’ll sort it out, don’t worry.”

With Bucky being by Steve’s side, the little guy falls asleep in no time at all. Buck wants to get up and leave, but he can’t… not if Steve is feeling unwell, and might need him in the night. He decides to stay for as long as he can, keeping him company.

▪️


	24. The One Like Old Times.

**_Tuesday, 31st October.  
7.45a.m._ **

This is the time that Steve’s eyes open, and he rolls over to realise Bucky is no longer by his side. He sighs, and slowly sits up. “Buck?” He whispers.

There’s no reply, and Steve sighs again. But, then he hears someone breathing… and, looks down on the floor to reveal that Barnes has set himself up a makeshift bed on the floor. He must’ve been too nervous to stay in the same bed as Stevie, but wanted to be close to him all the same.

Rogers smiles, and creeps around him. He wants to let Bucky sleep in peace — because he knows how rare this occurrence really is. So, Steve makes himself a small bowl of cereal and curls up on the couch. It’s almost a whole hour until he hears Barnes waking up, and then he joins him in the living room. By this time, Steve has already showered and gotten changed into a sweater and some sweatpants.

“Morning,” Bucky says, stretching. “How’re you feelin’?”

Steve shrugs, and pulls his blanket over himself a bit more. “Let me get showered and I’ll come and sit with you,” Buck says.

And, he does exactly that. He makes himself a mug of coffee, and a mug of tea for Steve. He has breakfast, whilst they watch some morning TV. As soon as he’s finished, Bucky cleans his hands and sits beside Steve again. He puts his arm around him, and settles his hand in the blonde hair. The guy rests his head against Bucky’s shoulder, and shuts his eyes.

“Hey, Stevie?” Bucky whispers. “I gotta go see my therapist today,”

Steve opens one eye. “Do you want me to come with you?”

“Of course not, dork. I’ll leave in a minute, and be back within an hour.” He chuckles.

“Take as long as you need, Buck.”

▪️

Bucky ends up returning in just under three hours. He’d had the longest talk he’s ever had with the Doctor, and it felt good. There’s even a slight skip in his step as he makes his way back towards Steve’s apartment. He wanders inside, smiling when he sees Rogers scooping out his tub of vegan ice cream.

“Before you ask, yes, I had lunch.” Steve says, as Buck walks over.

He smiles again. “Me too, grabbed some stuff on the way back…” Barnes puts the bag on the table, and takes out a small box.

“Cupcakes?!” Steve’s eyes light up — they’re his favourite, and Bucky remembered again.

“Yep! For later though,” he says, walking out and putting the box on the kitchen counter.

He returns with the thermometer, and the blonde folds his arms across his chest. “Don’t give me that look,” Bucky warns, heading over and putting the device against his forehead.

“101.94,” Buck reads aloud. He then snatches the blanket away from the blonde before he can think twice. “Stop looking at me like that!”

The brunette goes into Steve’s room, and retrieves one of his own t-shirts from his suitcase. He goes back into the living room, and throws it to Steve. “Wear that instead,” Barnes instructs.

Steve doesn’t even argue — if he gets to wear one of Bucky’s shirts, he’ll do it in a heartbeat. The second he’s changed into it, he falls back against the couch again and smiles. Bucky still wears the exact same cologne and uses the same laundry powder. He loves it.

“What’re you smilin’ about?” Bucky asks, sitting beside him and pulling him into a hug.

The blonde wraps his arms around Barnes’ waist. “Nothin’,” he mumbles.

“Stevie, you feel like a little hot water bottle,” Bucky mutters ruffling his hair.

Steve frowns. “Shh,” he says, his eyes starting to close already.

“You won’t be able to sleep tonight,” the brunette warns. “Steven!” He pokes him on the nose.

“James!” Steve mimics, sitting up now.

Bucky rolls his eyes, tugging Steve closer again. They sit close for a while, and then Steve laces their fingers together. “Bucky?” He whispers.

“Yeah?”

“Are we, uh… can we? I mean, um —“

“Yes.” Buck chuckles, looking him in the eyes and watching him blush. “Yes, you’re my boyfriend again.” He smirks.

▪️

**_A few hours later…_ **

Bucky carries out the dirty dishes to the kitchen, after their dinner. When he hears a knock at the door, at first he frowns, but then he remembers that it’s Halloween — the kids in the apartments must be going around trick or treating about now. He quickly goes into the hallway where he’d set down a bowl of candy earlier, but Steve is already picking it up.

“What do you think you’re doin’?” Bucky asks, making Steve jump so hard that he almost spills the candy everywhere.

He turns to his boyfriend, and glares. “I can answer a _door_ , Buck.”

“Get back to the couch!” Barnes orders, but Steve shakes his head.

There’s a knock at the door again, and the blonde quickly opens it before Bucky can change his mind. “TRICK OR TREAT, UNCLE STEVIE!” Lily is standing there dressed as a witch. She also has tin foil all of the way up her arm, and Steve smiles when he works out why.

“You can have extra candy,” he says, holding the bowl out for her to choose.

Her eyes widen. “Thanks… Oh, hi Uncle Bucky!” The girl spies him behind Steve.

Then she looks back, from Bucky and then to Steve once more. “Oh my gosh!” She gasps. “You’re boyfriends again!” Lily squeals.

“What?” Both Barnes and Rogers squeak in sync.

“You have Uncle Bucky’s shirt on… and,” she reduces her voice to a whisper and starts to giggle. “A kiss bruise.”

Steve blushes the same colour as Lily’s pink shoes. “I — uh,” he turns back. Bucky nods. “Yeah, we are.” The widest grin spreads across her face, and she launches herself at Steve for a hug.

“I’m so happy!” Lily announces, running past him and grabbing Bucky too.

He wraps his arms around her. “Yeah, me too, kid.”

“You are?” She looks up at him.

Bucky nods.

“Can I tell Mom?” Lily asks.

“Would it be okay if you don’t tell her just yet? I want myself and Steve to tell her ourselves, just because… you know, adult stuff, boring conversations.”

She rolls her eyes and sighs. “Sure, I get it.”

“See you later, love you!” Lily yells, and then rushes out of the apartment and back down the hallway, most likely going to find Becca again.

Steve shuts the door, and turns to Bucky. He wanders towards him, and rests his head against his chest. “Can we go sit on the bed?” He asks.

“It’s only seven, Stevie,” Barnes chuckles, running his fingers through the blonde’s head of hair.

He huffs in response. “But, I need a hug.”

“Alright, grumpy,” Buck smirks.

“Shut up,” Steve mutters, already leading the way.

He flops down on the bed the second they get into the bedroom. “Drama queen,” Bucky laughs, pulling his shirt over his head. He puts on a pyjama one instead, and then pokes Steve on the tummy. “Move over then.”

“Hmm,” the blonde murmurs, his eyes closed and glasses sitting wonky on the bridge of his pink tinted nose. He grabs Bucky’s hand, and doesn’t let go.

Barnes rolls him to one side, so that he can fit on the bed. “I forgot about your clingy moments,” he says, brushing Steve’s hair out of his eyes and carefully removing his glasses.

“I’m not clingy, I need you to make me feel better.” He pouts.

“Oh, what happened to being fine?” Bucky’s eyebrow raises.

Steve opens one eye. “I’m cold,” he whines, cuddling up to his boyfriend.

Buck kisses Steve atop of his messy hair. “You haven’t had your meds yet,” he says, and the blonde groans dramatically.

He sits up, and trudges around the bed. A few minutes later he goes out of the room, and then returns. “I had them, and I brushed my teeth. Happy?” Steve asks, rubbing his eyes.

“Ecstatic,” Bucky remarks jokingly.

Steve snuggles back under the covers, and feels Barnes wrap an arm around him. He closes his eyes, knowing he should be able to get to sleep easily with Bucky beside him.

▪️

**_The next morning,  
1st November._ **

Steve wakes up slowly, reaching out to find Bucky. Much to his surprise, someone grabs his hand. “Buck?” He says quietly, as he feels his hearing aid being pressed to his palm.

“I’m down here, dork.” A much more awake sounding voice replies.

Assuming he means on the floor, Steve shuts his eyes again. But, then he bolts upright. “I gotta go to work!” He yelps.

“Calm down, I already spoke to Jane. She called askin’ if you were better yet,” Barnes hushes.

Rogers sighs heavily, and flops back down again. “What time is it?” He asks.

“Almost midday… you hungry?” He chuckles back.

Steve opens his mouth to reply, but begins to cough instead. Bucky is immediately by his side, gently patting his back. “I’m okay,” Rogers mumbles, but he snuggles up to his boyfriend anyway. “Did you sleep alright?” He questions.

“Same as usual, really. It helps being here though,” Bucky says without thinking, and then blushes.

The blonde smiles. “Have you already eaten?” He clears his throat slightly.

Bucky nods. “I’ll make you somethin’… pancakes?” The brunette suggests, holding onto Steve’s hand.

“Yes, please.”

They both head into the kitchen, and Barnes starts to cook. Steve has an extremely quick shower first, and can’t resist getting dressed into another one of Bucky’s shirts that just happened to be within his eyeline when he walked into the bedroom. As soon as he goes back into the kitchen, he sees the fresh pancakes on the counter. Bucky turns around, and immediately smirks whilst looking Steve up and down.

“Is that my shirt?”

“No…” Steve tries not to laugh. The band shirt almost reaches his knees, for goodness sake.

He sits beside Bucky, who playfully ruffles his hair. They both eat their breakfasts, and Barnes is about to clear up when his cellphone begins to ring. He grabs it from the counter, and answers. “Hello?” Bucky exits the room, leaving Steve quite curious.

The brunette doesn’t come back for a good fifteen minutes, and when he does… Rogers can’t quite pinpoint his emotions. “Everythin’ alright?” He asks, hopping down from the stool.

“I, uh… I got the job,” Bucky says quietly, looking down.

“You did?! That’s awesome!” Steve gets closer to his boyfriend, who looks worried rather than excited.

“I dunno, Steve…” He mumbles, sitting on the closest stool. He leans against the kitchen island and starts fiddling with the hem of his long sleeved shirt.

“What do you mean?” The blonde sits beside him, putting a hand on his arm, squeezing gently.

“What if — what if I’m not cut out for it? I — I dunno, I just…” He drifts off, his breathing picking up slightly.

“You’re gonna be great, Buck, you know this stuff.” Steve starts running his hand up and down Bucky’s right arm, in an attempt at comforting him.

“What if I don’t, though? I’m not — I don’t know how this all works and I’m…” He stops, biting down on his lower lip.

“Buck, come on, talk to me.” Steve furrows his brows, trying to understand what the other man is getting at.

“It’s just… What if I’m not good enough? I don’t know how to do shit! I’m a soldier, not a mechanic for fuck’s sake. I’ll mess somethin’ up or —or what if somethin’ bad happens?” His breathing is shallow now and he clenches his fists. He feels like the room is closing on him, like the air has been sucked out of his lungs. His vision gets blurry and he feels like he’s underwater, or back in the warzone. His chest feels too tight, and everything just feels so wrong.

“I dunno if I’m ready for this, I’m not —I can’t” Bucky closes his eyes as his hands — well, hand — starts trembling. He tries to take deep breaths, but with no success. “What if I lose control over myself or — or…” His voice breaks and he hides his face in his hands with a quiet whine, tears starting to fall from his eyes. He’s hyperventilating now, panic attack in full blow. He presses his prosthetic to his forehead, his left hand tugging on his hair to feel something, anything.

“Bucky, look at me!” Steve hops off the stool, and stands close to the brunette. His heart is hammering in his chest, but he knows he has to stay calm for Bucky. He puts one arm around him, the other stroking his hand, assuringly. “Buck, it’s alright, breathe with me. Come on, in and out. In… and out.” He presses his chest to the other man’s, so he can feel it rising steadily. Steve can feel how badly Bucky is shaking now, and his grip on his shoulder tightens. He keeps murmuring reassuring words, but it barely helps.

After what feels like a couple of hours, Barnes finally starts calming down. Steve keeps whispering to him, at first reassuring words, then just reminding the other man of their past. He keeps telling their old stories, remembering their first dates or other happy events. He had no idea what to say, so he figured to keep saying anything he can think of, staying clear of upsetting subjects. He makes a mental note to ask Sam about how to properly deal with panic attacks, as Bucky’s slowly coming back to him. The brunette finally takes a deep breath, then shifts, pressing his face into the crook of Steve’s neck, clinging. He inhales deeply, smelling soap on the blonde’s skin and something that’s just so Steve. The other man wraps his arms around Bucky and starts stroking his back gently. They stay like that for a couple of long minutes, both of them silent.

Bucky’s the one to break it. “Thank you.” He whispers, then presses a soft kiss to Steve’s collar bone. The blonde only tightens his arms around him, grounding.

“I love you, Buck.” He murmurs to the other man’s ear, causing a shiver go down his spine.

“Even now?” His voice is quiet, broken, tears drying on his face.

 _“Always.”_ Steve states surely, then lifts Bucky’s face with his palm and kisses his cheeks softly, feeling salty tears on his lips.

▪️


	25. The One With The Parents.

**_1 week later.  
8th November._ **

Bucky arrives home that evening, still dressed in his messy overalls — there wasn’t enough time to get changed, because he wanted to grab some cupcakes from the vegan bakery before it closes. His work hours are eight thirty in the morning until six thirty at night, which haven’t been too bad. Steve has been missing him in the day, but the mechanics shop is close enough to sometimes meet Rogers for lunch.

“I’m home!” Barnes calls, kicking off his shoes but ensuring to reposition them neatly afterwards.

He wanders into the living room, spying Steve sat on the couch, drawing something in his sketchbook. “Earth to Steve,” Buck chuckles.

“Sorry, h —“ Steve looks up, but becomes distracted when he sees Bucky. “Hi.” He clears his throat, going red.

“You like what you see, huh?” The brunette smirks. “Well, tough ‘cause I’m tired and need a shower.” He adds, going over to kiss Steve’s cheek before retiring to the bathroom.

Rogers huffs, and snaps his sketchpad shut. “How was your day?” Steve calls, standing outside the bathroom. They continue to converse through the ajar door, until Bucky comes out again.

“I was thinking about texting Becca, asking her to meet… I should probably tell her about us now.”

Steve nods. “I guess,” he agrees.

Buck takes out his phone, and types a text message. “What do you want for dinner? I bought cupcakes,” he tells the blonde, whose face immediately lights up at the mention of the desert.

“There’s this new recipe I wanted to try, so I bought the ingredients after work. Wanna help?” Steve asks, and Bucky nods.

They head into the kitchen, to begin preparing it. Bucky checks his messages whilst Steve gathers the food. “Becca said how about a family meal at her house, this weekend,” he reads aloud.

“Am I invited?” Steve asks, passing Buck some vegetables to chop.

Bucky laughs softly. “Of course you are, dork.”

“I mean — will they want me there?” The blonde clears his throat.

“ _I_ want you there,” Barnes reiterates. “Look, I’m going to tell them about us and — Steve what’s wrong?” He stops, realising that there’s more of an issue than he can work out.

Steve sighs, leaning against the counter. “I haven’t properly spoken to Becca since… about three weeks after we broke up. I told her why I did it, I broke down, and she stayed to help me. That’s the last time, and I feel like an idiot still and —“ he’s rambling so fast that his breath catches in his throat, and he starts to cough.

The brunette rushes to his side, and rubs his back. “She never told me,” he whispers.

“I know, she didn’t want to most likely. Because I was a stupid, sick mess — as usual — and, I’d just sobbed to her about how you deserved somebody else to not worry about and she said that was stupid, basically, because you love me and, I still regret doing that, and —“

“Steve, breathe.”

“I’m sorry I ruined us.” He squeaks, right before a sob escapes.

Bucky’s eyes widen a little. “Woah, woah. It is what it is, and we certainly aren’t ruined now.” He soothes, rocking Steve gently back and forth.

He fishes the inhaler of of Steve’s trouser pocket. “You know I love you.” Buck says.

Steve nods. “But, I —“

“Hey. We’re moving forwards, jerk. Stop bringing back stupid shit,” he half smiles.

Steve gulps hard. “Okay,” he says. “I love you too,” and rests his head against Bucky’s chest.

“Now, let's get back to this recipe!” Bucky grins, using his thumb to wipe away Steve’s stray tears.

▪️

**_Friday evening,  
12th November._ **

Bucky and Steve are lying in bed, Barnes has his arm around Steve and they’re sitting in their usual comfortable silence. This is what they always do until the blonde either falls asleep or Buck gets too tired, and then he sets himself up on the mattress against the floor.

Tonight, the brunette is wearing a simple t-shirt to bed again. It has short sleeves, like it usually does. He doesn’t wear his glove around Steve anymore, but he still hasn’t talked much about it. Until now. Bucky is staring at the arm, fixated. Steve isn’t sure whether to ask if he’s okay, but when he hears the guy’s breath hitch in his throat like he’s about to cry, he has to question what’s going on.

“Bucky?” Steve whispers, not looking up from his and Buck’s other hands that are currently entwined atop of the sheets.

“I didn’t ask for it, y’know.” Rogers doesn’t reply. He waits. “It was given to me — free of charge, an army privilege. I didn’t wanna burden Becca with any costs, and God knows I’d never have been able to afford them. So, I accepted the programme — the Stark Industries were trying out all kinds of new things, I was told. They didn’t make me go back to fighting, but did you know it’s bulletproof?” He holds up the prosthetic.

Steve shakes his head.

“Sometimes, I wish I had one of those simple prosthetics. The ones that don’t move, just sit there. I dunno… I just, I don’t wanna hurt anyone. I could hurt someone with my own bare hands though, it’s just the enhanced metal and — it’d be perfect for a soldier in combat, I guess — but, I look like.. I feel like… I hate myself for it all.” Bucky whispers towards the end, a few tears having already fallen.

“I’d help you pay for a new prosthetic, if you wanted a simpler one.”

Bucky chuckles softly. “I don’t know what I want, Stevie.” He sounds horribly empty.

“Do you wanna talk more?”

“It has its uses. Every guy at work thinks I’m just freakishly strong, when I lift whole tyres with the arm. I can do that now, but I used to find it real hard to hold a mug without overestimating my strength and accidentally smashing it. Or, I couldn’t even get my brain to move the fingers. Took me fuckin’ years, Stevie. They said I could change it, they bored me with all kinda design ideas. Apparently this one is the most simple. I didn’t care. I just wanted… I guess… I could’ve died out there. Missin’ an arm isn’t too bad. It’s an easy thing to live with… people died, y’know? I’m just so damn ungrateful.”

Steve hugs Bucky tightly. “You’re not ungrateful. I could come with you to your next appointment?” He offers, reaching up to wipe away a tear from Buck’s cheek.

He doesn’t answer.

“I love you,” Steve says.

Buck releases a shaky sigh. “Love you too, Stevie. I think I’m gonna try get some sleep.” He says, pressing a prolonged kiss to the top of the blonde’s head, before leaving the bed and retiring down onto his mattress.

Rogers switches off the lamp, and snuggles down into the warm duvet. “Thank you.” He hears Bucky say.

“You’re welcome. I’ll always listen.”

▪️

**_The next morning._ **

After an emotional time the day before, Steve and Buck manage a small lie in before their alarm goes off. They are due to arrive at Becca’s late afternoon time, so there’s plenty of time to prepare themselves.

“Morning,” Steve speaks first, getting out of bed and putting on his glasses.

He’s about to leave the room, when Bucky throws a pillow at his back. Steve turns. Rolling his eyes, Barnes signs to Steve ‘aren’t you forgetting something?’

The blonde smiles sheepishly, and hurries over to grab his hearing aid. “Thanks,” he mumbles. “Coffee?”

Bucky nods with a chuckle. “Please.”

They drink their beverages whilst watching TV, and then take it in turns to shower. Buck is sat back down again when Steve exits the bedroom, engulfed in one of his sweaters and his nicest pair of jeans. “I’ll take it off when we have to leave,” he says, earning a fond smile from the other man.

The time passes by much too quickly though, and what seems like just after their lunch, Buck is getting up to go and put on some cologne and recomb his hair. Steve is half asleep, his arms wrapped around Bucky’s wasit when he moves. He opens his eyes, and a sudden wave of nervousness crashes against him.

“Maybe I should stay here,” Steve suggests, his voice small.

Barnes stops before he reaches the bedroom, and spins on his heel. “Why?” His eyebrows are raised slightly.

“Because…” he mumbles back.

“Steve, don’t worry. We’re together now and you aren’t getting rid of me that easily,” the brunette tries to tease him and make light of the situation.

He goes into the bedroom to find a hairbrush, and then heads into the bathroom after that. Steve takes off Bucky’s sweater and goes to change into a smarter shirt. He sighs heavily, genuinely scared for the evening ahead. He’s scared that Becca will hate him — and, rightly so. He’s scared that Buck’s parents aren’t going to want him back in their son’s life again.

Steve takes a few deep breaths and exits the bedroom. His boyfriend is already waiting for him. There are tears threatening to spill from his eyes, but Rogers ignores them and walks into Bucky’s arms. “Love you,” Buck whispers, pressing a kiss to the top of his blonde hair.

“Love you too.” Steve knows that his voice cracked a little, but neither of them mention it.

Eventually they have to break away from the warm embrace, and Buck takes him by the hand. “C’mon, I’ve called us a cab.” He says softly.

The ride to Becca’s house feels much too long in Steve’s opinion. Bucky holds his hand the whole time, occasionally kissing his knuckles when his breathing gets a little too fast. When they arrive Barnes pays the driver — ignoring his boyfriend trying to offer his own money — and they walk up to the house. Bucky knocks, and feels Steve tug away from his hand.

“We haven’t told them yet,” he reminds Buck, who chuckles and goes a little red.

Becca answers the door a few seconds later, a wide smile across her face. “You don’t have to knock,” she says, pulling him into a hug

“Hi, Steve. It’s good to see you,” she smiles in his direction, then steps aside to let them both in.

Bucky comes in first, the blonde tagging along after him. He toes off his shoes, then looks around. He hasn’t been there in a while, but his things are still in the guest room.

“So, they here yet?” Bucky asks, turning around to face his sister. She nods, indicating the living room with her hand. “Great.” he mumbles, then takes a deep breath.

He hasn’t seen his parents for a long time, too scared to face them after everything that happened with the wedding. He knows they understand, and support his decision, but he didn’t tell them the whole truth about what exactly influenced that. He never mentioned Steve, afraid of what they might think of him. So, now he has to face them and come clean. He swallows down hard, his chest feeling a bit tight. He looks at Steve, arching an eyebrow questioningly. When the guy nods, Bucky licks his lips and goes towards the living room.

“Hi Mom, Dad.” He smiles, seeing his parents sitting down on the couch, with Lily talking animatedly amongst them. The conversation stops abruptly, all three of them looking at Bucky now.

“Jamie!” His mother exclaims, then rises from the couch and goes to him, opening her arms. “It’s been ages, let me look at you!” She hugs him tightly, then looks him over. “You look healthier, Jamie, you’re taking care of yourself?” She inspects him closely.

“Yeah.” He nods, a small smile creeping upon his face. His mom is always fussing over her children.

“James.” George comes up to him now, giving him a quick hug, then patting him on his right shoulder. “You alright?”

“I’m… Yeah, I’m good.” He shrugs. His Dad was never good with words, always prefered to be quiet, observing. His Mom however, was a totally different story.

“So, tell us! What’s new? Come, sit. Are you eating enough? How’s that therapy going?” She goes back to the couch, motioning for him to follow. He stays at the door though, shifting his weight slightly.

“Actually, I’ve uh…” He looks back at where Steve’s standing, still not visible from the living room. “You guys remember Steve?” He bites his lip, then nods for the blonde to join him. The guy does just that, standing beside Bucky, smiling shyly.

“Hello.” Steve says, then looks down, scratching his neck uncomfortably.

Both Winifred and George’s eyes widen in disbelief. Steve was once like a son to them and now… Well.

“Steven!” Winifred gapes, taking a hold of her husband’s hand.

“Mrs. Barnes.” He nods his head, not sure of what to do. Bucky grabs his arm and tugs gently, dragging him further into the room.

“Uncle Steve!” Lily shouts excitedly, then runs towards them. She hugs Steve tightly, burrowing her head in his shirt.

“Hey, Lily.” He laughs, messing up her hair.

“What are you…” Winifred starts, then stops, not knowing how to finish the sentence without sounding critical.

“We’re um…” Bucky starts to explain, but Steve quickly interrupts.

“We’re friends again.” He chips in. At Bucky’s lifted eyebrows, he just shrugs. He has no idea where that came from either.

“Yeah, that.” The brunette shakes his head slightly, then narrows down his eyes at Lily, who looks at him incredulously. “Figured I’d let him tag along.” He shrugs his shoulder, then bumps Steve slightly.

“Well, it’s nice to see you again, Steven.” Winifred smiles. “And call me Winnie, remember?”

Sure, he remembered. He just wasn’t sure if they were on good enough grounds for him to say it.

“Yeah, sorry.” He looks down again.

“Come, sit, you two! I want to know how you reconnected again.” She moves closer to her husband, who’s still quietly looking at both of them. Lily takes Steve by his hand and drags him towards the couch, almost jumping with excitement.

“Can we eat first?” Bucky looks from his parents to Becca, who’s still standing behind him. “I’m kinda starvin’.”

“Wanna help me?” Becca cocks her eyebrows, then goes to the kitchen.

“Sure.” He shrugs, then goes to follow his sister. He stops, however, looking back. “Steve? Wanna join?” He smiles, seeing the blonde’s relieved expression. Yeah, he wouldn’t want to stay alone with his parents either.

Steve sends an apologetic smile to Winifred and George, then all but runs to the kitchen. Becca’s taking a tray out of the oven, William’s putting roasted chicken on a plate and Bucky’s mixing salad. Steve leans against the counter, waiting for someone to tell him what to do.

“You can take glasses from that shelf over there.” Becca points behind him, and he’s happy to comply. He takes out glasses for everyone, taking his time. “Oh, and there’s some pasta for you on the stove, suit yourself.” She smiles.

“I uh… Thank you.” He says, genuinely thankful.

“Sure.” She shrugs, then takes a plate of roasted potatoes to the living room. Everyone follows her, carrying their respective plates full of food. They all sit down at the table, Lily, Winifred and George joining the rest. They all dig in, enjoying their food in silence at first.

“So, Jamie, how are you?” Winifred breaks it, looking a Bucky pointedly. “And I mean, really. I’m your mother and you don’t even call me! I wouldn’t know anything if not for our Becca.” She shakes her head, slightly disappointed.

Bucky swallows down hard. He knows he’s been neglecting his parents lately. Ever since the IED, he feels like his problems are too big for them to handle. Logically, he knows they’re his parents and that they worry about him but… But. He doesn’t want them to think he’s, well, damaged. They’ve always been supportive and he knows they love him, but he doesn’t want to be a disappointment. His dad was a great soldier, and deep down, Bucky’s ashamed he isn’t one too.

“I’m good, Mom, really. I’ve got a job now. ‘S not great, but it pays the bills. Plus, taking engines apart and putting them back together is kinda calming.” He shrugs, knowing that’s not entirely what she meant, but also that she won’t call him on that. Not in front of everyone at least.

“How’s that arm of yours? Still acting up?” She continues, sending him curious glance.

“‘S alright. I’m used to it now.” He curls and uncurls his left fist, seeing her looking at it.

“You’re going to all your appointments?”

“Yes, Mom, _God._ ” He shakes his head, huffing.

“What, a Mother can’t worry about her son now?” She frowns. “Back me up, George.”

“James.” His Dad states simply, and he sighs.

Bucky shifts in his seat, trying not to act uncomfortable. He knows she means well. “I’ve got therapy every other week, I’m going to my VA sessions, which, by the way, Steve here can confirm, and I’ve got an appointment with Stark next week.” He rolls his eyes.

“Now, Jamie, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” She smiles, seemingly happy with his answer. “Becca, that roast is amazing!” She smiles, moving on from one subject to another.

“Thanks, Mom.” She smiles, then takes William’s hand and squeezes gently. “I’ve got good help.”

“Oh yes, William, how’s work? I’ve heard you’ve got a promotion!” Winifred exclaims, looking proud.

“I did, yes.” He nods, then looks at his wife. “It’s good money, and well, we’re definitely gonna need it.”

“Oh?” Winifred stops with a curious expression, her fork mid air.

“Yeah, we’ve got something to tell you.” Becca smiles, looking at William fondly. “But, Bucky?” He looks up, his brows furrowing. “Wanna go first?”

Bucky chokes on his food. He starts coughing, his cheeks slightly painted pink. He looks to his right at Steve, whose eyes are cast downside, his brows at his hairline.

“W-what?” The brunette asks, swallowing down hard. He suddenly feels hot, too hot. He straightens up, and takes a drink out of his glass, trying to remain calm.

Becca lifts her eyebrow. “You’ve got something to share, don’t ya?” She smirks.

Bucky narrows down his eyes at Lily, who shrugs, her expression as lost as his. He then looks over everyone at the table, seeing all the eyes focused on him. All but Steve’s who’s till looking down, his hands picking up at the hem of his button up.

“I uhh…” He clears his throat, then shakes his head. Better to do it quickly. “We’re datin’ again. Me and Steve, I mean.” He looks at the blonde, who still refuses to look up. Bucky takes Steve’s hand and entwines their fingers, squeezing tightly.

“Yes!” Lily exclaims, clapping her hands excitedly.

Bucky looks at his family again. Everyone but Becca is looking at him, surprised. Winifred’s covering her mouth with her hand, the other one squeezing George tightly. His Dad’s brows are furrowed, but otherwise his expression says nothing. Becca’s smiling smugly, and William... well, he’s leaning back on his chair, his face puzzled.

“How?” Winifred is the first one to break the overwhelming silence.

“I run into Steve a coupla times and…” He shrugs, looking over at the blonde affectionately. “Turned out the love is still there.”

“It never left,” Steve whispers only loud enough for him to hear.

Only now Steve dares to look up. He locks his eyes with Bucky, a small, loving smile on his face. He bites down on his lower lip, his baby blues expressing everything he’s feeling.

“He broke your heart.” George states coldly, narrowing his eyes at Bucky.

“George!” Winifred hisses, looking sharply at her husband.

“I know I did.” Steve says quietly, his eyes still on Bucky. “I spent every day since then regretting it.”

“You say that now, but yet you weren’t there.” George moves his gaze to the blonde now instead.

Rogers gulps. “I love your son.” Steve says calmly, straightening up and looking at Bucky’s dad. “You’ve got every right to hate me for what I did, but you’ve gotta know I’ve always loved him. Never stopped. How could I?” He risks a glance at Bucky, then looks down. “I know what I did, but I can’t go back in time. I thought I was doin’ the right thing but…” He shrugs. “I love him.” Then, he turns to Bucky. “I love you.”

“I know you do, Stevie. I know you do.” He sends him a small smile, then squeezes his hand reassuringly. Bucky knew it would be hard for his parents to accept Steve again, but he also knows they’ll come around eventually. “And Dad… I love him too. So please, please, be happy for me? God knows I am.” He says, his eyes pleading. George doesn’t say anything though, just keeps looking between the two of them.

“Well, I’m happy for you, Jamie.” Winifred chips in quickly, realising her husband won’t say anything. Not yet. “I’m glad you two found each other again. I was worried you’ll never fall in love again! Oh, and then the wedding…” She takes a deep breath, shaking her head. “I’m glad you’re better now Jamie. I know your father is too.” She looks at George pointedly.

“I’m happy too, Uncle Buckaroo!” Lily bounces up and down her chair. “You’re more fun with Uncle Steve around!” She laughs, the claps her hands once again.

They all go back to eating then, Bucky and Steve keeping glancing at each other. They can finally shuffle closer to each other and keep their hands entwined.

“Wait.” Bucky says, then looks at Becca narrowing his eyes. “How did ya know?”

She huffs. “Steve’s collar isn’t as high as you think it is.”

Bucky chokes on his food again, his ears immediately going pink. Winifred gasps, and Steve burns crimson, tugging his collar upwards.

“Goddammit, Becca!” Bucky exclaims, then takes a big sip of his water to cool himself down.

“That’s how I knew too, Mommy!” Lily says, her big eyes shining with excitement.

“What?” William straightens up, suddenly back in conversation.

“Yes! It was in that adult movie you and Mommy were watching.” Lily explains, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Everyone looks at her with a shocked expression, as she keeps eating her dinner, unperplexed.

“Becca?” William lifts an eyebrow, looking at his wife, lost. She only shrugs, shaking her head. “Jesus.” he mumbles, leaning back again.

Bucky and Steve are now trying not to laugh. Sure, Becca loves romcoms… and, okay maybe there was a scene where somebody got a hickey or two. But, she’s never watched one with Lily in the room. This kid finds out everything, honestly.

A few more moments pass by, and a slightly awkward silence begins to form. That’s when Becca puts down her cutlery, and takes her husband by the hand again. “I’m pregnant.” She announces completely randomly, and slightly too casually as it takes everybody else a few seconds to process what has just happened.

Winnie starts to exclaim her congratulations and is sort of making a squealing noise as she gets up to go and hug her daughter. Lily is just completely over excited by this point — she’s yelling and already her cutlery has fallen to the floor after being knocked down by her flailing about hands. William looks ultimately fond at his wife, and they share a quick kiss before being bombarded by Winnie and her hugs and kisses. Bucky and Steve are both smiling, and Buck is getting a little emotional himself. George even smiles at his daughter, looking proud as his face softens for the first time this evening.

Things are looking up after all.

▪️


	26. The One With The Appointment.

**_One week later.  
Saturday, 20th November._ **

Bucky had finally received the email about his appointment from Stark the morning after he’d opened up to Steve about his arm. With the whole drama around having the family dinner he’d honestly forgotten to mention it to the blonde, but Steve didn’t mind — he was happy that Buck finally had the date. He didn’t ask him if he should tag along, though. He figured it’s up to the brunette, and that he’ll ask if he feels the need to.

It’s Saturday morning and they’re seated in the living room — Bucky reading a sci-fi novel on the couch, and Steve engrossed in his work. He’s got a commission to finish by the end of the week, and he’s putting in all of the final touches. He knows it’s good just as it is now, but he wouldn’t be himself if he didn’t make it perfect. They’re listening to Steve’s playlist, the blonde humming softly under his breath. The clock keeps on ticking though, and soon enough it’s time for Bucky to get ready to go to the Stark Tower. He groans, standing up, then drags a hand down his face. Steve looks up, worry evident in his eyes.

“You alright?” The blonde asks, putting his graphic tablet aside.

Bucky sighs. “I dunno.” He shrugs, then comes up to Steve’s desk and crouches in front of his boyfriend. “‘S just hard, y’know?” He looks down and closes his eyes when Steve runs his hand through the brunette’s long hair.

“‘S gonna be alright, Buck. You’ve done this before.” He murmurs reassuringly.

“I know. Still wish I didn’t have to though.” He sighs, then stands up, helping Steve up too. The blonde closes his arms around him, feeling the slight trembling of Bucky’s right hand. Guess he’s not as good as he lets on.

“Buck…” He starts, but is quickly interrupted.

“I know, Stevie.” Bucky whispers, taking deep breaths to calm himself down.

“Y’know I can go with ya, right?” Steve offers quietly, realizing that the brunette won’t ask for help.

“‘S not pretty, Steve.” He answers, resigned.

“I don’t care. I wanna be there for ya.” He leans back, looking Bucky straight in the eye to make sure he understands.

“You serious?” Bucky asks, still quite disbelieving. It breaks Steve’s heart, knowing that the brunette feels like he doesn’t deserve it.

“‘Course.” Steve sends him a small, reassuring smile.

“Okay, then.” Bucky nods, more to himself than to Steve. He goes back to the bedroom to change into a pair of dark jeans and a black henley t-shirt. When he emerges, they put on their shoes and jackets, and leave the apartment.

▪️

“Ready?” Steve nudges Bucky’s arm, then takes a step forwards. They’re standing in front of the Stark Tower, the building looming over them. It’s as obnoxious as Steve thought it’d be, with the word _“STARK”_ hanging on top in huge, flashing letters. He doesn’t mind though. After all, they’re here for Bucky.

The brunette sighs, and follows Steve inside. They go through glass doors and enter a spacious, white lobby. All windows are floor to ceiling, the walls covered in posters and photographs of Stark’s inventions. There are brown leather couches lined up against the walls, a coffee table in front of every one. They go up to a girl sitting behind a mahogany desk. She looks up from her computer and smiles.

“Sergeant Barnes.” She nods in greeting. “Mr. Stark is awaiting you.” She gives Bucky an electric card with ‘guest’ written on it, then looks at Steve. “I will need your ID, Sir.”

“Oh, uh, sure.” Steve says, confused, but he still takes his wallet out of his jeans pocket and hands her the document. She starts typing on a virtual keyboard, displayed on the desk. Steve frowns, but doesn’t say anything as she hands him his ID back. “Thanks.”

She smiles again, then looks back down. Bucky takes that as their cue and turns right, going through a black door. They enter a small room filled with mirrors.

“Sergeant Barnes.” A voice speaks and Steve jumps, squeaking slightly. Bucky chuckles at that, taking Steve’s hand and entwining their fingers.

“Relax. It’s just Jarvis.” He smiles, though it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Who?” Steve frowns, looking around. He can only see reflection of the two of them.

“Jarvis, an AI. He kinds runs this place.” Bucky shrugs like it’s nothing.

“Where the hell are we?” Steve mumbles, looking down.

“An elevator, Stevie, what do ya think?” Bucky actually laughs at that, shaking his head fondly.

“What? But…” The frown on his face deepens.

“It’s Stark Tower, what did you expect?” The brunette nudges his shoulder.

“I dunno. Security? An actual elevator with buttons?” He lifts his eyebrow.

“There’s plenty of security, don’t ya worry.”

“Well, I didn’t see no one.”

Bucky actually rolls his eyes at that. “You’d see them if they wanted you to see, Steve. Besides, Jarvis is there.” He shrugs like it’s self-explanatory.

“Still don’t get it, Buck.” He mumbles, looking down.

“I was lost at first too.” He admits quietly. Steve wants to ask how many times he did this, how many times he had to face the pain and anxiety all on his own. He doesn’t have a chance, though.

“Mr. Stark is waiting.” The AI speaks again, and Steve almost keeps his cool. Almost.

“Thanks, Jarvis.” Bucky replies, then goes out of the doors that just opened.

They leave the elevator and go right into a huge lab. It’s all white with tables and stools all over the place. There are flat screens everywhere as well as robots and mechanicals arms. Steve takes in a deep breath, suddenly overwhelmed. He knows Stark’s a genius — a rich one at that — but, he didn’t expect this. He quickly closes his mouth once he realizes it’s been gaping. The blonde looks around at all of the different inventions, and well, he figures it’s what Bucky’s heaven must look like. He looks at the brunette, who goes further into the lab and hops up onto one of the stools nonchalantly. He looks at Steve and arches his eyebrow. He opens his mouth to say something, but doesn’t have a chance as someone walks into the room.

“Good morning, Sergeant Barnes.” A girl speaks, and Steve’s quick to notice that she’s young — probably still in college, even. She’s dressed in a white sleeveless dress that goes to her knees and her braided hair is up in a bun, white pins holding it together.

“Bucky.” The brunette answers, smiling shyly.

“How are you feeling?” She asks, unlocking a tablet she’s holding and typing something quickly.

“Good.” He looks down, then up at her again. “Thank you.” He nods.

She smiles. “I’m Shuri. I’ll be working on your arm with Mr. Stark. He’ll be joining us shortly.”

“Oh, umm, okay.” He says, then motions for Steve to come closer. “That’s Steve.” He says, biting his lip.

“Nice to meet you, Steve.” Shuri says, then motions for them to go after her. They stop at one of the tables, with different pictures displayed on it. Steve looks down and notices that it’s all Bucky’s prosthetic, both on the inside and outside. He looks at the mess of plates and wires, and sucks in a deep breath. Sure, he’s seen the arm before, but he had no idea how complicated it actually is.

“We’ll make some modifications, with your consent of course. We have a couple of ideas, but wanted to run them by you first. After all, it’s you who’s using it.” She smiles and starts talking about the details.

It’s all jibber jabber to Steve, so he zones out, and starts looking around the lab. He’s never been in one before, and he feels lost. He’s got no idea how any of these things work, let alone how to make them. He looks at Bucky, who nods to whatever Shuri’s saying. He seems to get all of that technical stuff, and Steve couldn’t be more proud of him. He’s come such a long way, and the fact that he agreed to participate in this speaks volumes. He could’ve just said no and gotten on with his life, but instead he’s chosen to try the prosthetic out, which may help many disabled veterans. Steve takes Bucky’s hand in his and squeezes gently. The brunette sends him a look, but otherwise doesn’t say anything. Steve continues to look around, until Shuri leads them to one of the chairs by a table full of different mechanical devices. Bucky sits down and takes a deep breath, his face unreadable. The blonde takes one of the stools and sits beside his boyfriend, reaching for his hand again.

“Buckaroo!” A loud voice says. Steve whips his head towards the sound and there stands Tony Stark himself. He’s not as tall as he looks like on TV but he still carries himself like he owns the place, which, to be true, he does. He’s wearing a pair of stained jeans and a white tank top, sunglasses at the top of his head. He comes closer to the three of them, clapping his hands excitedly. “So, you’ve met Shuri? She’s great. Almost as smart as I am. Almost.” He stresses the last word, then looks at Steve, puzzled. “Do I know you?”

“I’m —” the blonde starts, but is interrupted.

“It’s Steve.” Bucky says, like it explains everything.

Stark arches his eyebrow. “That clears literally nothing.”

Bucky sighs. “My boyfriend, Steve, Stark, isn’t that obvious?” He looks down at their joined hands pointedly.

“Alright Bucket, no need to get all defensive, geez.” Stark sighs, then clasps his hands together. “Let’s get to work, shall we?”

“Do what you’ve gotta do.” Bucky says, a bit resigned, and leans back.

“Care to take the shirt off?” Tony says, then hops on one of the stools and takes one of the screwdrivers from the table.

“Oh, uh… sure.” Bucky looks down and swallows audibly. Then, he looks at Steve. “Steve, it’s… Don’t freak out.”

“Why would I — oh.” Steve starts, but stops himself short once Bucky takes off his henley. Sure, Steve’s seen his torso before, but never after the war… after the IED.

Bucky always sleeps with his shirt on, and he’s never bare chested in the apartment. It’s the first time Steve has actually seen his torso and, well, it’s not exactly pretty. There are scars covering his entire chest, going all the way from his left shoulder to his pelvis. Some of them are barely visible, but some are angry, pink and deep. His left side is covered with deep, irregular lines, and Steve hisses at the sight of it. He can’t help but think of the pain Bucky must’ve gone through. He lifts his right hand and gently traces the scars with his fingers. Bucky shudders at the touch, but doesn’t say anything, still looking down.

“Hate to interrupt your bonding, but we’ve got work to do.” Tony says, and Steve quickly withdraws his hand, his cheeks slightly pink.

Stark opens some of the plates in Bucky’s arm, then starts poking at the wires. The brunette closes his eyes, and keeps taking deep breaths. Steve’s hold on Bucky’s hand tightens, and he starts drawing circles on this hand.

“Hey Jarvis, how about some music?” Tony says, and suddenly a slow, calming song starts playing out of nowhere.

“Thanks.” Bucky whispers, his eyes still closed.

They stay like that for a while, Tony saying some technical nonsense and Shuri writing it all down. Steve can’t seem to take his eyes off Bucky. The brunette looks so calm, his head tipped down, his eyes closed. His eyelashes cast a shadow on his cheeks and his hair falls softly over his face. He’s biting his lower lip, and there’s a slight crease between his eyebrows. Steve’s fingers itch to draw him, and he tries to remember every detail to do it later.

Tony closes the open plates, then takes something else from the table and looks at Bucky. “Gotta go up the arm now, Bucky. You good?”

The brunette nods, so Stark moves closer and opens the plates near to Bucky’s actual arm. He hisses and bites his lip so hard it almost bleeds. His hold on Steve’s hand gets impossibly tighter, but the blonde doesn’t say anything. He’s there to support Bucky, and besides, the pain he’s feeling must be nothing in comparison with Bucky’s.

Stark pokes the wires for a while, then closes the plates and leans back.

“Looks good. We don’t have to take it off, Buckaroo.” He says.

“Oh, thank God.” Bucky breathes, relieved.

“No need to call me God, although I am like him, yes.” Tony jokes, wiggling his eyebrows. “Miracles are my middle name.”

“I thought it was Edward.” Bucky replies, cocking his eyebrow.

“You hurt me, Buchanan.” Stark puts a hand on his chest, pretending to be offended.

“Asshole.” Bucky huffs, then pulls his henley over his head.

“Oh well, what’s new.” Tony shrugs, then looks at Shuri. “What do we got?”

They start talking about technical stuff again, so Steve zones out once more. He rests his head on Bucky’s shoulder, keeping their fingers entwined. He can’t help but think of the pain Bucky went through. He feels somehow responsible for it, even though there’s literally nothing he could’ve done about it. He still should’ve been there after the IED. He should’ve gone with Bucky to every appointment, and have been there for him in the hospital. He curses at himself inwardly, thinking yet again how stupid he was to break up with Bucky in the first place.

Bucky standing up is what gets Steve out of his thoughts. He blinks quickly, clearing his throat, and looks at Shuri and Tony.

“Well, it’s always nice to let you be in my presence, but I’ve got a company to run. And by ‘I’ I mean Pepper, of course. But, you get my point. So yeah.” Tony exclaimes rapidly, then turns on his heel and leaves the lab. Steve blinks after him, wondering what the hell has just happened. Both Bucky and Shuri seem unperplexed though, not paying Tony any attention.

“So, we could actually change the look of your arm too, if you want.” Shuri says, typing on her tablet. Then, she pinches the screen and the visual displays in front of her. “I was thinking, black and gold?”

Bucky gapes. “Holy fuck.” He breathes. Steve takes in a deep breath. The visual looks amazing — the arm shown is black with gold strings in it. Shuri makes a move with her hand and the arm rotates, showing all sides. “Hell yeah, I want that.” Bucky nods, his eyes a bit wider than usual.

“I thought so.” Shuri smiles, then shuts the display off. “We’ll email you once the arm is done.”

“Yeah, okay.” Bucky smiles too. The girl walks them to the elevator, and the doors open immediately. “Thank you.” The brunette says once again, a shy smile on his face. The doors close, and they’re back in the small, mirror elevator. Bucky sags his shoulders, and lets out a deep breath.

“Home?” Steve asks, resting his head on the brunette’s chest.

“Home.” Bucky nods, running his hand through Steve’s hair.

▪️


	27. The One Where Bucky Opens Up.

▪️

Steve turns the lock in the front door and enters the apartment. It’s dark inside, and he squints, trying to see anything. He knows Bucky’s inside, as on their way back Steve told Bucky that he’ll go to the store quickly, so the brunette returned by himself.

Steve toes off his shoes and shrugs his jacket off, then goes further into the apartment. He enters the living room, but finds it empty. Frowning, he pads down to the kitchen, only to find it empty too. He takes a plate out of a cupboard and goes to the bedroom, figuring that’s where Bucky must be. The door is ajar, but the inside of the room is as dark as the whole apartment, all blinds drawn. Steve knocks gently on the door, then comes in.

“Bucky?” He says quietly, in case the man’s asleep.

“Here.” Bucky mumbles from somewhere inside the room.

Steve goes in further, and carefully pads towards the bed. He sits on the edge of the mattress, then places the plate and paper bag he’s carrying on the nightstand and turns on the bedside lamp. He then turns around, and sees Bucky curled up on the bed, changed into grey sweatpants and a comfy white long sleeve. He’s clutching the pillow under his head and his hair is loose, falling all over his face. Steve stands up and walks around the bed, crouching in front of the brunette.

“Buck…” He whispers, taking string of hair off of Bucky’s face. “Talk to me.”

“”S nothin’, Stevie, don’t worry.” Buck mumbles, his eyes closed.

“Bucky.” He pleads, running his hand through the brunette’s hair.

“‘S just… I don’t deserve it.” He admits quietly.

“What?” Steve frowns, confused.

“The arm, all the help. You, most of all.” Bucky says, his voice broken.

Steve feels like someone’s just punched him in the chest. “Don’t say that. Buck you’re… I’m…” He finds himself at a loss for words. He feels like no matter what he says, Bucky won’t believe him.

“”S the truth, Steve. You don’t know what happened over there, you don’t understand-” His voice breaks and he sucks in a sharp breath.

“Tell me, then. Help me understand.” Steve answers sturdily, standing up and sitting beside the brunette.

“Okay.” Bucky breathes, then nods, more to himself, than to Steve. He stays curled up, his eyes still shut. “At the beginnin’ it was all good. I didn’t have much responsibility, was just a soldier. Then Clint was in that damn explosion. It should’ve been me. I should’ve been on that mission but I got sick, can you believe it? I was sick and so they sent Clint and I swear to God I nearly lost it once I heard about the explosion. He says it’s not my fault, but I know it is. Goddamn, it is.” He takes a few deep breaths, his hands clutching the pillow impossibly tighter. “Then they made me a Sergeant and it all went downhill from there. I can’t tell ya much, ‘s all top secret, but we were sent to special ops. Everyone feared us.” He lets out a hysterical laugh. “They called us the Howling Commandos, we were so loud. Damn, these men knew how to have fun, alright. We’d sit by the fire all night singing, and then go on the op next morning, always a success. They even gave me a codename. Winter Soldier, ‘cause it was always one bullet, one kill, in ‘n’ out.” He shakes his head, remembering the horrors from before.

“It was at the beginnin’ of my last tour when it happened. A simple op, protecting one of the higher ones in transit. At first I didn’t understand why they needed us to do that, we were deep in special ops then. But once we were on the road I realised somethin’ wasn’t right. I told the Howlies, and they promised to be careful. We were driving through a small village, all the locals went out of their homes to see the US soldiers. They were shouting and laughing and it was a big mess, Stevie, nobody knew what was going on. When I spotted the damn IEDs it was already too late. The first car was up in the air in no time, the second following right after. I ordered my men to take the official and get the fuck outta there, but these assholes would rather die than leave me alone. They got the man out the car before the heavy fire started, but they came back just in time to see me being blown up. I don’t remember much after that, only the smoke, screams and pain, so much pain, I-” He stops, letting a shaky breath out.

“I lost an arm, but they said I’m lucky to be alive after all the shrapnel I’ve had in my chest. The Howlies got hurt too, half of the squad honorably discharged. They’re like my brothers, Steve, and I led them straight to the trap.” His voice breaks after that, and his breathing gets erratic.

Steve blinks back the tears threatening to spill form his eyes and shifts closer to Bucky. “Thank you.” He whispers, then starts running his hand through Bucky’s hair again. “It wasn’t your fault, though, Buck, you’ve gotta know that.”

“I’m pretty sure I just told you how this was exactly my fault.” Bucky snaps, bitterly.

“You told them to get out. They made a decision, you can’t blame yourself for that.”

“I should’ve stopped the mission once I realized somethin’ was off, I should’ve-” He stops, his voice breaking yet again.

“There’s nothing more you could’ve done, Buck.” Steve leans down and kisses Bucky’s cheeks, tasting tears that are falling from his eyes. “Look at me.” He pleads.

Bucky opens his eyes, the icy blue sending a shiver down Steve’s spine.

“You did everything you could.”

“I wanna believe you, Steve, I really do.” Bucky mumbles.

“You will, one day.” He sends him a small smile, then takes Bucky’s hands off of the pillow and nudges him to lay down on his back. “I love you so much, Buck.” He starts kissing the brunette’s face, starting from the crown of his head going down to hs jawline. “You’re so brave. Strong. Smart. Dedicated. Compassionate. Courageous.” He marks every word with a kiss on Bucky’s face, wiping the teas with his thumbs. “I.” Steve kisses the left corner of his mouth. “Love.” Then, he kisses the right corner. “You.” He finally leans down and places a soft kiss on Bucky’s lips.

“Steve…” Bucky whispers, choked up.

“I need you to know that. You’ve come so far to be there and I’m… I won’t give up on us, ever again. God knows we’re worth it.” He places his forehead on Bucky’s, inhaling deeply.

“You sap.” Bucky chuckles, his voice still a bit off.

“Just you wait.” Steve chuckles now too, then sits up. He places himself on Bucky’s legs, than takes the hem of the brunette’s long sleeve and tugs it up.

“Whatcha doin’?” Bucky lifts and eyebrow. “Not really in the mood, Stevie.”

“Shut up and take it off.” He orders, a smirk on his face. Bucky looks at him incredulously but pull the shirt over his head. He lies back down, his bare scarred chest in full view now.

Steve draws his eyebrows. “You didn’t have those on before.” He hooks his fingers around Bucky’s dog tags.

“I always wear ‘em.” Steve lifts his eyebrow at him. “Oh, you mean at Stark’s.” He scratches his neck, looking down. “‘S kinda personal. They mean a lot to me and I don’t like having ‘em on display like that.” He admits quietly.

“You wanna take them off?” Steve asks genuinely.

“I don’t mind you seeing them, Stevie.” He lifts the corners of his mouth.

“Oh.” Steve breathes, then smiles shyly. “Okay, then.” He leans down and starts kissing the scars on Bucky’s chest. He presses his lips to the lightest ones, on his right side, and traces them gently.

“Whatcha doin’?” Bucky asks, confused.

“Showin’ you how much I love you. I don’t care about the scars, Buck, they only show me how much you’ve been through and how strong you are.”

“Stevie…” Bucky whispers, choked up again.

“Shut up.” The blonde says, smiling and looking up through his eyelashes at Bucky.

Then, he continues to kiss all the scars. He traces his lips along Bucky’s midsection, focusing on the smallest ones first. Once he’s done with that, he moves closer to the brunette’s left arm, pressing soft kisses to the angry pink ones. Bucky sucks in a deep breath every once in a while, his hands clutching the sheets or wiping at his eyes. Steve makes sure to kiss every scar on his chest, then moves up to his shoulder and collarbone. He gives a final kiss to the line where the metal is joined to Bucky’s flesh, then kisses it once again for good measure.   
  
After he’s finished, he lies down on Bucky’s chest, pressing his face to the crook of his neck. The brunette immediately wraps his arms around him and presses a soft kiss to the crown of Steve’s head. They stay like that, both breathing deeply and inhaling each other’s scent.

Steve stirs after a while, lifting up his head and blinking slowly, his glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose.

“Buck? You up?” He whispers, as the brunette’s eyes are closed.

“Yeah.” Bucky mumbles, turning his head towards Steve and giving him a quick peck on the lips.

“I’ve brought cupcakes.” He says sleepily.

“You only telling me this now?” Bucky huffs, then smiles, for what feels like the first time today.

“I was busy.” Steve says sheepishly.

“Touche.” He chuckles.

“So…” Steve sits up, placing himself on Bucky’s tights again. “You want ‘em?” He smirks.

Bucky rolls his eyes. “I swear to God, Stevie.”

“Alright.” He leans to his right, taking the paper bag and the plate form the nightstand. “We’ve got vanilla with chocolate chips and carrot.”

“ _Carrot?_ You serious?” Bucky cocks his eyebrow.

“Shut up and try it.” He orders, then takes the cupcake out of the bag and gives it to the brunette.

“I dunno, Stevie…” Bucky takes it, but eyes it suspiciously.

“Christ, Buck.” Steve shakes his head, then takes a bite of the cupcake straight from Bucky’s hand. He closes his eyes as he chews and he straight out moans while swallowing. He then opens his eyes and licks his lips.

“You sure know how to convince a fella.” Bucky breathes, his eyes a bit widened.

“You gonna try it or keep looking at me like that?” Steve lifts his eyebrow, smirking.

“I’m deciding.” He smiles mischievously. Steve rolls his eyes, and only then Bucky takes a small bite of the cupcake. His brows are furrowed as he chews and he swallows audibly. “Imma go with vanilla, thanks.”

“Suit yourself.” Steve shrugs, taking the vanilla cupcake rom the bag and switching it with the carrot one.

He sits next to Bucky, almost on the guy’s lap, and they eat their respective cupcakes in silence, the only sound being their chewing. Once they’re done, Steve puts the bag and the plate back on the nightstand and shuffles as close to Bucky as possible.

“You wanna go to sleep?” Steve asks, knowing that today must’ve been hard for Bucky.

“It’s not even nine yet, Stevie, c’mon.” He chuckles, ruffling Steve’s hair.

“Okay, smartass, whatcha wanna do?” He asks, crossing his arms.

“How about Little Mermaid?” Bucky asks, smirking. He knows damn well it’s Steve’s favorite movie and he’ll never say no to that.

“Punk.” The blonde huffs, but crawls out of bed nonetheless. Bucky stops him however, taking his wrist and forcing him to turn around.

“Hey, Steve?” He says, worrying his lower lip between his teeth.

“Yeah, Buck?” He breathes, turning around and facing the brunette.

“Did you mean it? About not giving up on me?” He says quietly, looking down.

Steve bites down on his lips and sits in between Bucky’s legs. Then, he takes his chin in his hand, forcing the brunette to look up.

“‘Course. I’m with you ‘till the end of the line.” He smiles, kissing the crown of Bucky’s head, then takes him by the hand and drags him out of bed. “Now c’mon, I think I was promised a Disney classic!” He exclaims excitedly, hurrying out of the bedroom. Bucky laughs, but goes after him.

▪️

**_Sunday morning,  
21st November._ **

Bucky wakes up the next morning lying shirtless on his makeshift bed beside Steve’s. For a moment he wonders why on Earth he isn’t wearing his usual upperwear… but, then he remembers with a smile. He gets up and leaves the room as quietly as he can, since his boyfriend is still sound asleep in bed. Bucky wonders what he could make for breakfast, as a way to thank Steve for last night’s gestures.

He starts by getting some pans and mugs ready, then decides to shower. It’s barely even nine a.m. yet, so Buck should have time before Steve gets up. Sure enough, the blonde is still asleep when he goes to grab some clothes to change into. Barnes begins making breakfast once he’s dressed, humming one of the songs from Steve’s playlist to himself. Soon the coffee has brewed and the pancakes are almost cooked. It’s getting closer to eleven now, so Bucky takes the food and drinks into the living room and sets them down onto the coffee table.

“Stevie,” the brunette calls out softly, making his way into the bedroom again.

He enters the bedroom, and hears a small groan. “Steve? I made pancakes,” Bucky whispers.

“What time is it?” He mutters, taking hs hearing aid from the nightstand and putting it on.

“Almost eleven, so get up.” Barnes chuckles, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “You good?”

The blonde sits up, nodding. He runs his hand through his messy hair and sighs. “Yeah,” he mumbles sleepily.

They sit on the couch and start eating. “So,” Bucky begins, taking a drink from his coffee first. “We have two options for today… go out and shop for baby stuff, or stay in and do it online.”

“Stay in?” Steve asks hopefully.

“I was hoping you’d say that,” Barnes chuckles.

After they’ve both brushed their teeth and returned to the couch, Buck switches on the TV. “I was thinking of going online and ordering some baby stuff for Becca,” he says.

There’s no reply. “Stevie?”

“Huh?”

“I wanna buy some baby stuff online, for Becks.” Barnes repeats.

“Yeah, good idea.” Rogers mumbles, rubbing his eyes underneath his glasses.

Bucky shuffles closer to his boyfriend. “What’s up?” He asks, wrapping his arms around the smaller guy.

“Nothin’,” Steve huffs.

“Uh oh… someone’s grumpy!” Bucky teases.

“Am not.” He mumbles.

“Are too.” The brunette chuckles.

“‘S just… Ahh, nevermind.” Steve shakes his head, resigned, then takes off his glasses and runs a hand down his face.

“Don’t gimme that.” Bucky says, his voice slightly off. His memory suddenly flashes back to all these years ago. It all started with Steve being grumpy and Bucky teasing him, and it went downhill from there. He gulps. “Talk to me, please.” He pleads, turning so he’s facing the blonde now. His eyebrows are furrowed and his eyes are fixated on Steve.

“‘S nothing, Buck.” He says dismissively, cleaning his glasses with the hem of his shirt before putting them back on.

“Steve…” He shuffles impossibly closer now, his knee digging into Steve’s side, and starts fiddling with the laces of his sweatpants. His heart rate picks up and he feels a bit anxious. He knows that there’s no reason to be panicking, but still, he can’t help but think of the last time they were in this position. He doesn’t want to get lost in his thoughts, but his brain is supplying him with everything he might’ve done wrong. He swears inwardly, knowing that his insecurities are getting the best of him yet again. He’s sure of Steve’s feelings, especially after last night, and yet…

The blonde exhales exaggeratedly. “What?”  
  
“Tell me what’s wrong.” He murmurs timidly.

“I’m just feelin’ a bit off Buck, Jesus.” Steve mutters, looking anywhere but at the brunette.

“Oh.” He breathes, sagging his shoulders.

“What?”

“Nothin’... ‘S just, last time it started the same.” Bucky whispers, a vulnerable expression on his face.

Steve cocks his eyebrow at the other man. “Wha — oh.” It finally dawns on him, and he quickly turns so he’s facing Bucky now too. “Look at me, Buck.” He puts his hand on the brunette’s the other grabbing his chin gently.

“‘S fine, I’m sorry…” He starts leaning back, but Steve just squeezes his hand and forces him to look up.

“Bucky.” He says sternly, looking straight into the steel blue of the other man’s eyes. “I won’t give up on us again, I promise.”

“I know —” He starts, but is quickly interrupted.

“You don’t. But, I don’t blame you, I understand. Imma just have to say it everyday.” The corners of his mouth go up slightly. “But I don’t mind. I’d happily shout it from the rooftops.”

Bucky chuckles at that. “I know you would.” He breathes, then rests his forehead against Steve’s, his hair falling down. “Sap.”

“Shaddup, jerk.”

“Punk.” Bucky whispers, then shuts Steve up with a kiss.

▪️


	28. The One With The Happiness.

  
**_1 week later…  
Sunday, 28th November._ **

Bucky is busy typing out a text to his sister, whilst Steve is in the shower.

**_‘Can me and Steve take Lily shopping?’_ **

**_‘What kind of shopping?’_ **

**_‘... surprise shopping, Becks.’_ **

**_‘Baby shopping?’_ **

**_‘God, go ahead and spoil your own surprise why don’t you.’_ **

**_‘I’ll drop her off in an hour :) love you x’_ **

**_‘Love you too’_ **

“She said yeah!” Barnes yells out to his boyfriend, when he hears the bathroom door swing open.

“Awesome, let me just get dressed.” He calls back.

The blonde soon enters the living room, wearing one of his favourite knitted sweaters and some black jeans. His hair is fluffy from where he’s dried it with a hairdryer, and his glasses are on top of his head. “Why’re you looking at me like that?” Steve asks innocently, tilting his head to one side.

Bucky laughs softly. “You’re too damn cute, ‘s why.” He smiles fondly.

Steve feels himself blush instantly. “Shut up,” he mutters bashfully.

They decide to watch some TV until Lily arrives. When there’s a knock at the door Steve offers to answer it, but seconds later Lily comes running into the living room. “Hi!” She says.

Becca follows after her a few moments later. “Be good for your Uncles,” she warns her daughter. “Have fun!”

“Bye, Mom!” She gives Becca quick hug, and then looks at Buck and Steve expectantly. “Well, c’mon!” Lily huffs.

They both stand up and go to get their shoes and coats on. Bucky grabs his wallet, and Steve does the same with his own. Lily takes each of their hands and they walk out of the apartment together. They head to the subway that’ll get them into the city, and get on a train. The journey is short and soon they’re in the centre of the city and ready to scout out some shops. Bucky leads them to the nearest mall, and they start looking for baby stores.

Eventually they arrive outside of one. “Hey, Lil… what do you think the baby is gonna be?” Bucky asks, moving their conversation on from how she’s getting on at school.

“Well,” she begins, skipping over to the gender neutral section of clothing. “I want it to be a girl. But, if it’s a boy I’ll love it all the same.” Lily says seriously.

“That’s real grown up of you,” Steve comments, looking at all of the tiny outfits.

Lily turns to him. “Well, I  _am_ eight now, Uncle Steve.” He tries not to laugh.

Bucky smiles, and then picks up a pair of baby sneakers. “I remember when you were that small, kid,” he tells Lily.

“Really?” She gasps in wonder, and looks at the shoes. “Can we get those? They’re cute. I have my pocket money with me!”

“I’ll get these, and you find a teddy bear? How’s that,” the brunette suggests.

After they’ve scouted a few more stores, they find a milkshake shack for some well earned lunch. Bucky has bought two baby grows, some bath bombs for Becca, an ‘I’m a big sister’ t-shirt for Lily, and the tiny shoes, Steve bought a baby grow that says ‘I have a cool Uncle!’ (definitely about him, not Bucky… of course,) and Lily bought a teddy and a picture book.

Lily is drawing in her colouring book from across the table, and Bucky smiles. He rests his head on Steve’s shoulder, and clears his throat. “You know, I think you did make me sick,” he complains quietly so as not to disturb his niece.

“ _You_ kissed me,” the blonde laughs.

Lily looks up. “No arguing at the milkshake table,” she warns.

“Sorry,” Steve chuckles. He takes his last drink from his dairy free vanilla shake. “Where to now?”

“Well, I need some new shirts.” Barnes announces, so they head in the direction of a clothing store.

Steve and Lily help Bucky to pick out the best designs, and after about twenty minutes he chosen his favourite three. They take them up to the counter, and a woman calls them over. She scans the items, then looks down. “Your daughter is very sweet,” she comments nonchalantly.

“Oh, uh — she’s not… she’s my — my niece,” Bucky stammers, but still keeps hold of his boyfriend’s hand.

“They don’t have kids… yet!” Lily grins innocently, and Steve and Bucky blush even more.

The woman hands Bucky his bag and apologises, but he says not to worry. They head back outside towards the subway, letting Lily hold both of their hands again as they wander. This time they get off at a stop closer to Becca’s house, and they walk the rest of the way. Steve hides the bags away from the door — behind some plant pots in front of the porch — when they knock.

“Hey, guys!” Becca greets them with a smile. “Wanna come in?” She offers.

“We’d better get back and sort out our super secret shopping, sorry, Becks.” Bucky smirks, reaching forwards to hug her.

She laughs, but agrees with a nod. “Say bye, Lils.”

“Bye!” Lily hugs Bucky and then Steve, and goes to stand by her Mom.

They wave to the pair as they walk down the path, and then close the front door. Bucky clears his throat as Steve carries on walking down the street. “Forgetting something?” He tries not to laugh.

Rogers stops in his tracks, and rushes back to get the bags. “Shut up,” he mutters, returning to Bucky’s side and taking him by the hand.

The pair return home to relax in front of the television and order takeout later on. They end up falling asleep on the couch together, arms and legs entangled. Glove off.

Meanwhile, Becca is tucking her daughter into bed. Lily has her eyes closed, but opens one eye just before her Mother switches off the light. “Hey, Mom?” She whispers.

“Yeah?” The woman sits down on the edge of the bed.

“Uncle Bucky was really happy today… y’know, like he used to be.”

Becca smiles wide, and feels herself well up. She reaches down to kiss her daughter on the forehead. “That’s good, honey. Thank you for telling me that,” she says.

“You’re welcome... Night, Mom.”

”Goodnight.”

▪️


	29. The One Where It’s Almost Christmas.

**_A few weeks later…_ **

**_Christmas Eve Afternoon._ **

 

There’s quiet Christmas music playing inside of Steve’s apartment, and a smell of freshly baking cookies fills the air. The living room is scattered with unwrapped presents and Christmas wrapping paper, the area being messier than usual. There’s also papers scattered over the coffee table, some of them drawings and the others labelled with new apartment related business.

 

Steve is sat on the living room floor, glitter covering his reindeer printed Christmas sweater as he tries to get the last of the gifts wrapped in time before the evening rolls around. His boyfriend is in the kitchen doing the dishes and waiting for the Christmas cookies to finish baking. They’re both heading over to Becca’s tonight, to celebrate Christmas Day there  with their family tomorrow.

 

“Buck, can we swap?” Rogers calls out, whilst having a fight against the sticky tape.

 

Barnes appears in the doorway a few moments later. “So you can eat all of my beautiful cookies?” He smirks. “No way!”

 

Huffing slightly, Steve manages to finish wrapping the present. He turns back to see that Buck has gone, and he hears the oven open. The blonde sneaks into the kitchen, watching his boyfriend place the tray of freshly baked cookies atop of the oven and take off the oven gloves. “Stop staring at my ass,” Bucky says, before spinning around to face Steve.

 

The guy blushes slightly. “I’m almost done with the presents,” he tells him.

 

Bucky walks forward, and wraps his arms around Steve. “Want some help?” He asks.

 

“Please,” Rogers sighs from relief.

 

The pair finish the wrapping together, and end up both being covered in glitter by the end of it. They pile the presents into bigger bags and then move them to one side. The living room is mostly empty due to everything being packed away in boxes for when they move into their new place in the New Year — Bucky has been offered a mechanics job at Stark Industries two weeks ago, after Tony called saying he needed a good and trustworthy guy. So, that meant more money and the couple decided that they would upgrade to a bigger space now that they know for sure they’ll be living together forever. Things have been getting so much better for the both of them.

 

Bucky goes into the kitchen and starts putting the cookies into paper plates. He then gets the tubes of green and red icing out of the packet. “Steven, do not even think about eating one.” He says, but stays quite scarily calm.

 

“Buck,” Steve whines, moving his hand from the tray when Bucky comes back to pick some more up.

 

He kisses the blonde’s head. “We’ll be leaving in a couple hours. Make sure you pack your meds,” Bucky reminds him.

 

“Already have,” Steve smirks, sitting up on the counter.

 

Bucky can’t help but smile.

 

▪️

 

As soon as dusk begins to roll around, Bucky and Steve start to carry their luggage downstairs and out to the cab they’ve ordered. They pile everything from presents to suitcases into the trunk and climb into the passenger seats. Even the driver is in the Christmas spirit, playing festive music on a CD.

 

Once they arrive, Barnes tips the cab driver and they empty the car onto the sidewalk. Bucky picks up the heavier cases and Steve carries the bag of presents to the door — safely hidden inside, so that Lily does t have a peek — then they knock. Running footsteps can be heard from behind the door, followed by Becca shouting “Lily, wait for me!”

 

“MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE, UNCLE BUCKY AND STEVE!” Lily yells the second her Mom opens the door for them, and then she hugs them both tightly.

 

They chuckle, and step inside. Becca informs them that the guest room is all ready and made up for them both, so they carry their things in there. Bucky feels a strange feeling as he steps inside, remembering all of the time he’d slept in here alone… and now he’s spending Christmas Eve here with Steve. He smiles, and turns to take Rogers by the hand.

 

“Do you have any presents?” Lily asks, poking one of the suitcases like that’ll give anything away.

 

“Wait until the morning,” Bucky laughs.

 

Once they’ve put their things in the guest room, they all enter the living room. There’s Christmas music playing and their Christmas tree looks amazing. William is talking to Winnifred about something, but she jumps to her feet as soon as she sees her son walk in. “Jamie! Steve! How are you both?” The elderly woman embraces each of them in a hug.

 

“We’re good, Ma.” Barnes replies.

 

George looks up from his book in the arm chair, a glass of something most likely alcoholic in the other hand. He smiles over at Bucky and even smiles at Steve. Rebecca goes over to her husband, who takes his camera from the coffee table. “I think this calls for a family photo,” the man grins.

 

“Oh, good idea, William!” Winnifred exclaims loudly.

 

They all try to get into the photo, with William instructing everyone where to stand. Rebecca is standing on the far left, in front of the couch. Lily is standing on the couch and slings an arm around her Mother’s shoulders, and grabs Bucky’s hand, not caring that it’s the gloved one. Steve is holding his other hand, and Winnifred stands beside him with a huge smile on her face. She makes sure that George stands close on her other side. “Ready?” William calls out, pressing the button and hurrying to stand on his wife’s left.

 

The camera starts to flash and everyone yells “merry Christmas!” then laughs. The photo is taken, and everyone gets to take a look. When Bucky looks at it, for a moment he doesn’t even recognise the happiness on his own face. He looks at Steve, who staring at the snap with the most fond expression painted upon his rosy cheeked face. This is it. Bucky is home.

 

After the photo is taken, Buck walks over to his niece. “I got somethin’ to show you,” he says, starting to take his glove off. He then rolls up the sleeve of his sweater, to reveal his new arm, that’s silver and laced with gold lines.

 

The girl’s face lights up in wonder, and she gasps. “It looks so pretty!” Lily squeals.

 

Bucky smiles. “You think?”

 

She nods. “I know,” Lily corrects him.

 

Even George makes a comment about how modern technology is so amazing, and he’s actually smiling when he does it. Bucky rolls his sleeve back down after everyone has seen the new design, but he keeps the glove off.

 

About an hour after everyone has had food, Lily heads off to bed after receiving a story from Uncle Bucky and Steve. The adults drink a little more and play ‘Cards Against Humanity.’ Much to William and Steve’s surprise, Winnifred wins the game. People start heading off to get some sleep after this, including Buck and Rogers.

 

When they enter the guest room, Steve’s heart sinks a little a he spots a sleeping bag and some blankets on the floor. “We can share the bed, Buck… Shuri said the new arm has techniques to stop you from using towards accidental damage,” he whispers, not wanting to ruin the mood after such an amazing night.

 

The brunette walks up to his boyfriend. “Soon, I promise.” He says, pressing a minty kiss to his lips.

 

Steve smiles after this, feeling a lot better. “Goodnight, Buck.”

 

“I love you,” Barnes says, getting into his makeshift bed on the floor.

 

“I love you too.”

 

▪️


	30. The One Where It’s Christmas!

**_Christmas Day…_ **

 

Bucky has had one of the best days he’s had in a long time… in years, even. He’d been a little apprehensive of staying over, but Steve gently woke him up nice and early so that everyone could share breakfast together. Of course, Lily was yelling and jumping around impatiently, because “hurry up, it’s presents time!”

 

He had been particularly nervous about how everyone would like their gifts… but, they all seemed to love them. Winnifred was happy with her crocheting kit, as now she can ‘show Doris from church what  _ real _ crocheting looks like’… apparently. He had also given her an old framed photo of their family when they are all younger, since he’d gotten them scanned onto discs as a surprise and printed that one off especially. George was easy to buy for, since the one thing that makes him happy is alcohol. And, the bottle of whiskey sure did cause him to crack a smile and then nod towards his son as a thanks. Lily was even easier to buy for, because Buck and Steve had already taken a look at her Christmas list and then asked Becca what she’s been talking about too. They halved their presents for her and she was more than excited to open the presents from her ‘two uncles!’ She especially loved the mini version of Steve’s ‘Bucky bear,’ and announced that ‘it’s the official child and that she will bring it with her every single day.’

 

William was hard to buy for, since the pair hadn’t exactly ever been the best of friends throughout his marriage to Becks. So, Bucky had decided on a framed photo of Lily that he’d taken about six years back on his old phone, and some of his favourite chocolates. Becca wasn’t tricky at all — Buck is proud of her gifts. He got her a maternity Christmas jumper with a present design on the bump, some of her all time favourite bath products and one framed photo.

 

The photo was a selfie that they’d taken a few days after Barnes had spoken to Steve again for the first time after all of those years. She had arranged a movie night for them both, and sent Lily off to her grandparents’. They had snacks and watched comedies, and she’d snapped the photo of them laughing after pulling stupid faces. You can see in Bucky’s eyes that he wasn’t doing good, but he’d chosen this exact photo as a thank you to her for always being there, and real proof that he’s come so far. On the frame the words ‘thank you for everything, little sis! X.’ have been engraved. It’s safe to say she loved it, because her eyes immediately welled up with tears and she tackled Bucky into a bear hug. Success.

 

Finally, the person who James found it the most difficult of all to buy gifts for… Stevie himself. He wanted something personal and loving, but at the same time he wasn’t sure how to express these feelings. He’d eventually decided on quite a few items — a vegan desserts cookbook, a gift voucher to Steve’s favourite vegan bakery, and a photobook filled with pictures of the pair of them throughout the years, with dorky captions and dates. Rogers loved every single gift he’d received, and almost cried at the book. He’d hugged Buck and then been told to ‘get a room’ by Becca when he gave his boyfriend a kiss… confusing Lily, who stated that they are in fact in the living room.

 

It’s now evening time and they’ve said their ‘goodbyes’ and are both heading back to Steve’s apartment. Their smiles are genuine, and Becca and Lily waves them off with two equally as wide grins on their faces.

 

▪️

 

Bucky twists the key in the door and turns the doorknob. He pushes the door open and walks inside, dragging Steve after him. Once they’re in, he closes the door and gently pushes the blonde backwards, pushing him against it. 

 

“What —” Steve stops short, seeing Bucky’s smirk as the brunette reaches into the pocket of his jacket and pulls out a mistletoe, raising it above their heads. 

 

“You know what you’ve gotta do now?” He beams. 

 

Steve rolls his eyes, but grabs Bucky by his collar and pulls him down. He kisses him softly, a barely there peck on the lips, then pushes the brunette back again. 

“Hey!” Bucky protests, his brows furrowing. 

 

“Take your clothes off.” Steve smirks, shrugging off his jacket and unwrapping his scarf.

 

“Yes, Sir! I like where this is goin’.” Bucky salutes, his eyes widening a bit in surprise. He quickly takes his outerwear off and then toes off his shoes. “You want me to take off the rest now, or…?” He drifts off, lifting his eyebrow as a silent question. 

 

Steve shakes his head and takes the other man’s hand. “C’mon.” He says quietly, and leads them to the living room. He stops in front of the couch and pushes Bucky onto it. “Wait for me?” 

 

“Hurry.” Bucky licks his lips, leaning back. 

 

Steve barely manages to keep himself from snorting, but he turns around just in time, and goes into the bedroom. He didn’t mean to lead Bucky on, but it was him who started it in the first place and then Steve just continued to play along. What the brunette doesn’t know, is that Steve has another present for him. One that he’s been working on for a couple of weeks now. He’s been doing that at Peggy’s though, so as not to ruin the surprise. Bucky has no idea, and Steve still can’t believe he actually managed to keep this a secret. 

 

He enters the bedroom and looks behind the door. He lets out a relieved breath, seeing the painting waiting there for him. He’d asked Peggy to drop it off while they were gone, but he couldn’t call her to confirm — what with Bucky being beside him the whole time, and what not. So, to say he was a little worried was an understatement. He takes the wrapped painting in his hands, and turns towards the doors.

 

“Close your eyes!” He lingers in the doorframe, waiting for Bucky to answer. 

 

“Damn, Stevie.” The brunette chuckles, his voice a bit deeper than usual. 

 

He comes back into the living room and Bucky’s eyes are indeed closed, a little smile playing upon his lips. Steve bites down on his own, suddenly feeling quite bad for leading Bucky on so clearly. He sighs, and stands in front of the other man. 

 

“Don’t open your eyes yet.” He says quickly, then sits beside the brunette. Bucky nods, so he continues, looking down. “I, uhh, I have somethin’ else for you. I dunno if you’ll like it though, and I promise I won’t feel bad if you don’t. I just…  I need you to see yourself the way I see you. I know it won’t change much, but —” Rogers swallows down hard, his palms beginning to sweat slightly. “Buck, you’re so…” He drifts off, then chuckles. “You were always the one good with words, so I’ll just have to show you.” 

 

Steve shifts nervously, suddenly questioning every single detail of his painting. He bites down against his bottom lip, trying to get rid of the negative thoughts, and puts the painting on Bucky’s knees. “You can open your eyes now.” He mumbles. 

 

Bucky looks at Steve, his brows raised. Then, he looks down at his knees and frowns even harder. “What…?” He trails off, taking the painting in his hands. It’s wrapped in some regular, brown paper, with a red ribbon tie in a bow around it. He looks back at the blonde again, with his eyebrows raised questioningly. 

 

“Open it.” Steve forces a smile, though it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. 

 

Bucky eyes him suspiciously, then turns back to his gift. He pulls the ribbon off, then gently starts removing the paper. Once it falls down, he gasps, his eyes widening. 

 

“Steve…” He breathes, his gaze still on the canvas. 

 

The painting is breathtaking. Bucky’s stood in the kitchen, his right hip leaning against the island. He’s dressed in his black work trousers, combat boots and a white tank top with smears on it, like he’d just come back from the garage. His leather jacket is hanging on one of the stools, slightly blurred in the background, same as the entire kitchen. The main focus is on Bucky alone. His right hand is wrapped around a mug and his left hand is hooked around the loops on his trousers. His hair’s up in a messy bun, a couple of strings escaping and framing his face. He’s grinning, his eyes crinkling, with a slight crease on his forehead. He looks pretty huge, his abs visible under the top, his shoulders broad and muscular. Steve even painted his dog tags, the outline visible under his shirt. His scars are visible under the tank top, but they’re not standing out. They look like a part of him, something he wouldn’t even see if he didn’t know they were there. He looks… well,  _ happy _ . Content. Alive. Nothing like the shell of a man he’s been so used to seeing himself as. The background is black and white, with all the light focused solely on him. The prosthetic is glistening in the sunshine and his cheeks are tinted pink. 

 

Bucky feels a lump in his throat and his eyes start to water. He bites down on his bottom lip, feeling more than overwhelmed. “Steve…” He starts, but finds himself at loss of words. 

 

“D’you like it?” The blonde asks self-consciously. 

 

“I love it.” Bucky whispers, wiping a single tear from his cheek. He turns to Steve, his eyes soft and affectionate. “When…?” He drifts off, a lump suddenly in his throat. 

 

“At Peggy’s. You really had no idea?” Steve chuckles. They both know how terrible he is with keeping secrets. 

 

“You punk, you said she needed your help at work!” Bucky shakes his head in disbelief. 

 

“I needed hers,  _ actually _ .” Steve smirks. He leans back, resting his head on the brunette’s shoulder. 

 

“Thank you, Stevie.” Bucky whispers, dropping a quick kiss on his forehead. 

 

“Anytime, Buck.” He murmurs, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply. Bucky’s wearing his favorite cologne and Steve loves the mix of it with, well, Bucky. 


	31. The One With The Letters.

They sit in silence for a while, Steve’s nose in the crook of the other man’s neck and Bucky still captivated with his painting. Then, Steve thinks of something else he has. Something only Sam knows about. Something that’d show Bucky how much Steve loves him, how he never stopped. He straightens up and looks at the brunette, his thoughts running. He’s not sure if he should bring this into things. It’s personal, and brutally honest. He’s never shown it to anyone, only mentioned it to Sam a couple of times. 

 

Steve looks at Bucky, his brows furrowed. Should he…?  _ Fuck it.  _ He stands up abruptly and goes back to the bedroom. He goes straight to his closet and digs inside, looking for an old shoe box. He finds it quickly, covered in his old, paint stained shirts. He takes the box out and opens the lid, making sure that everything is still inside. Then, he goes back to Bucky and sighs, sitting down. The brunette looks up confused, his brows knitted together. 

 

“I, uh…” Steve starts, then licks his lips, not sure of his decision anymore. But, he can’t back down now, so he looks up. “I meant it. When I said I loved you all this time. I couldn’t… I couldn’t get you out of my head. I — I was so in love with you, Buck, and I couldn’t help but think about you. You were everywhere. So… So, I wrote you letters. It’s embarrassing, really, but at least I could pretend. I could pretend we were still together, even if for a little while. So I kept on writing them…” He drifts off, no longer sure where he’s going with this. He bites down on his lower lip and shoves the box into Bucky’s hands. 

 

The brunette takes the box, after putting the painting away safely on the coffee table, and looks back at Steve, lifting his eyebrow. “Are these…?” He asks, opening the lid. In the box, he finds a stack of letters. A  _ huge _ stack of letters. He sucks in a breath, his eyes huge. “Steve…” He whispers, taking the letters out. There’s so many, he can barely keep them all in one hand. He looks at the other man, who’s fidgeting and playing with the hem of his shirt nervously. “I don’t hafta read them if you don’t want me to.” 

 

“No, I do. It’s just… When I wrote them, I thought I’d never see you again.” Steve says quietly, avoiding Bucky’s gaze. 

 

Bucky’s heart breaks. He puts the letters down and takes Steve’s small frame into his arms, hugging him tightly. “I won’t leave again. And I won’t let ya do it too. You’re stuck with me, pal.” He says into Steve’s good ear, his lips brushing it gently. 

 

The blonde shivers and fists his hands in Bucky’s shirt, clutching tightly. He presses his face to Bucky’s neck and drops a quick kiss there, inhaling deeply to ground himself.

 

▪️

 

_ B. _

__ _ This is stupid. I don’t even know why I’m writing this since you won’t get it anyway. It’s not like I know where you are and where to send it. Besides, you’d probably see my name on the envelope and burn the damn thing.  _

__ _ It’s a shame, you know. Because I really do love you. I know you won’t believe it, not after what I’ve done, but it’s the God honest truth.  I love the way you smile, Buck, and the way your eyes crinkle when I do or say something real stupid. The way you bite down on your lip, with your eyebrows furrowed, when you think I’m not gonna like something you’ve got to say. The way you smirk after making me blush. The way you shake your head slightly, a fond smile on your lips, when you think I’m not looking. I’m always looking, Buck, always. You’re a work of art and I can’t take my eyes of you.  _

__ _ That’s not why I’m writing this, though. I want you to know, that I did what I did to protect you. I know you, Bucky, same as you know me. I know you could be the best goddamn soldier this country has ever seen, yet you’d drop it the second you hear something’s up with me. And I can’t let you do that, I just can’t. You deserve to fight for what’s right and follow your dreams. You deserve to go up the ladder and be as successful as you possibly can. There will be stories about you one day, about your bravery and honor.  And I wanna hear them. I wanna have the privilege of saying I knew you before that and that you were always so courageous.  _

__ _ You were always my hero. I don’t know if I ever told you that, but you saved me in so many ways, you’ve got no idea. I look up to you and I wanna be like you one day. You were always the first one to protect others, to stand up for the little guy. I know you’ll stay like that in the warzone and, if I’m to be honest, it scares the living shit out of me. You’re one of those who’d sacrifice themselves for others and I guess I never understood the real meaning of it up until now.  _

__ _ So I guess the whole breaking up with you thing is also kind of to protect me, from the pain of losing you. I know I’m selfish, but I love you too much and I couldn’t bear to live without you. You were always one of the good ones, Buck, and I see that now I’m far behind you.  _

__ _ I’m sorry for breaking your heart, I really am. But, war is a place for the greatest men and I hope you’ll find yours there. I was never meant for you, I know that now. I couldn’t drag you down any longer. I hope you’ll forgive me one day.  _

__ _ Yours, always  _

__ _ S. _

 

▪️

 

_ B. _

__ _ Where are you?  _

__ _ I’m sick with temperature and I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling the bed next to me, looking for you.  You weren’t there and when the realization hit me I cried like when Ma died. Because that’s how it feels, you know? You’re everywhere I look: the bed, the couch, the stools in the kitchen, even Ms. Leland’s bakery. You’re so close to me and yet so far it physically hurts me. I keep thinking about what’d you say, what’d you do.  I guess with Ma it was simpler, though. With her, I knew she wasn’t coming back, knew where to find her if I needed to talk. With you… I’m stuck. I feel like I’m running in circles, never knowing where to stop. You’re everywhere I look but I can’t talk to you, you’re everything I see but I can’t touch you.  _

__ _ It’s been a month since you’se shipped off. It’s been the hardest month of my life.  _

__ _ Where are you? _

__ _ Yours, always _

 

▪️

 

__ _ I went to Ms. Leland today. She asked “where’s that charming boy of yours, hope he’s alright?” I came back home and cried like a baby. I hope you’re alright too.  _

__ _ Yours, always  _

 

▪️

 

__ _ How are you? Are you eating good? Are you sleeping enough? How do they treat you? I’m worried about you. Well, maybe not worried but, I care. Still. A lot. Are you the best soldier we ever had yet? You must be, or you will be pretty soon. You’re that kind of guy, always full in or full out, no half measures.   _

__ _ I thought about asking Becca, but she’s already done enough. She’s been nice to me Buck, she sent me your picture. Don’t be mad at her though, please. Forget I even said anything.  _

__ _ You were always the one good with words, I always get everything mixed up.   _

__ _ I don’t know what I’m doing here, Buck. Nothing makes sense without you. Everything is a little bit wrong, just so… bland. You took all the color with you.   _

__ _ Yours, always  _

 

▪️

 

__ _ Please come home. We’ll cuddle on the couch and watch Star Wars or Star Trek or whatever the hell you want, just like in high school. I’ll pretend I’m actually interested and you’ll pretend you don’t see me staring at you. Or we’ll bake apple pie, just like Ma taught us. Or go to your parents and watch these weird silent movies Winnie loves so much. We’ll go to Coney Island and I’ll ride the Cyclone with you, pretending the contents of my stomach aren’t in my throat. We’ll go to the beach and eat cotton candy. I’ll buy the cherry one because you’ve always liked to taste it on my lips. Yeah, I noticed. I’ll buy it, even though I hate it, just so you kiss me while we’re staring at sunset.  _

__ _ I’ll do anything you want. Just please come home.  _

__ _ Yours, always  _

  
  


▪️

 

Bucky reads the letters early the next morning. They’d both agreed to have an early night before that, since they’d had such an uplifting time at Becca’s house. But, Barnes just couldn’t sleep. Just  _ knowing _ those letters were still sat in the box, atop of the couch where they’d left them before kissing goodnight. He had to get up and read them. Originally, he’d only planned to read the first few, but once he’d started he couldn’t bear to stop. He read them with tears in his eyes, noticing the tear drops that had stained more than one of the papers Steve had scrawled on. He read every single word on each and every single letter until he was sobbing and he didn’t even realise it.

 

And he still doesn’t realise how much he’s crying until Steve’s arms wrap tightly around him. “Oh my god, Buck, I’m so sorry. I should never have kept those letters, I’m sorry,” Steve whispers, trying not to fall apart himself.

  
  


“No — it’s,” Barnes returns the hug, burying his face in the crook of his boyfriend’s neck. “I understand.”

 

They sit on the floor, just holding one another, for what feels like hours. Eventually, Bucky is the one to break them apart. Their eyes have grown somewhat accustomed to the moonlit room, so Barnes can see clear enough. Bucky uses his thumb to wipe underneath Steve’s eyes. “It’s alright,” he whispers. “We’re here. I’m here now. I’ll  _ always _ be here,” James says softly.

 

Steve nods, and reaches out for Bucky’s hand.

 

“I love you,” Rogers says.

 

“I’m with you ‘till the end of the line… we just went on our separate paths for a little while, y’know?” Buck mumbles. He kisses the top of Steve’s hand. “And, I love you too.”

 

▪️


	32. The One With The Happy Ending.

▪️

 

The evening of December 31st…

 

“Buck, have you seen my shoes?! The fancy ones, that Becca bought me and I vowed never to wear!” Steve yells from the bedroom.

 

Bucky chuckles to himself, and finishes spraying his cologne — the one Steve isn’t allergic to, obviously — before exiting the bathroom. “You left them by the door last night, dork.” He smirks, entering the bedroom to see Steve stressing out whilst trying to comb down his wild hair.

 

“Oh, yeah,” the blonde mutters to himself, tossing the hairbrush into the bed and hurrying out into the hallway.

 

This is the second day in their new apartment, so mostly everything is packed up in boxes apart from their clothes for this New Years Eve party that Becca had arranged as a family surprise. It begins at nine and finishes “whenever,” so Steve and Bucky are staying the night with her again.

 

“Do I look okay with contacts in?” Steve asks, upon returning to their bedroom. “It feels weird.” He blinks a few times, and then his eyes go wide as he stares ahead of him.

 

Buck giggles. “Considering the fact that I can see your eyes way better this way, then I’d say yeah, definitely.” He smiles fondly towards the now blushing blonde before him.

 

They’re almost fully ready  now, having planned their outfits the same hour which Becca had announced the party via family groupchat (Steve is an honorary member, of course.) Bucky is wearing his black, ripped jeans, a white shirt and a black blazer to match. His shoes are black brogues, and honestly if Steve wasn’t stressing out so badly right now he’d pin the guy against a wall and makeout with him for hours. Aside from that, Steve is wearing a similar choice of clothing, but his jeans aren’t ripped, and he’s paired his shirt with a black, leather jacket that they’re both pretending totally wasn’t Bucky’s that he’d bought two sizes too small about a month back.

 

“Oh, god. You’re not seriously gonna wear those things are you? I thought you were kidding,” Barnes mutters from behind Steve, who’s just fished his old party suspenders out from another box.

 

He spins on his heel, the cheesiest of grins on his face. “Watch me, James.” Steve smirks, attaching the accessory to his trousers and slipping them on (having shrugged off his jacket first, of course.)

 

“Christ, you’re such a dork.” Buck shakes his head.

 

“But, a loveable one,” Rogers adds, sliding his thumbs underneath the suspenders and pulling them back so that they snap back against his chest. “Ow!” He squeaks.

 

Bucky gives him an odd glance as he watches Steve put his jacket back on, and then he just bursts into laughter. “Let’s go,” The brunette utters, walking closer to the little guy so that he can put his arm around his shoulders.

 

They head outside to the cab that they’d ordered the night before, and get inside. Both of them with high expectations for a fun filled night. Only… Bucky knows something that Steve does not.

 

▪️

 

“Oh my God, finally!” Becca opens the door, ushering both Steve and Bucky inside.

 

“Good to see you too, Becs.” The brunette laughs, stepping into the house.

 

“I don’t have time for this, smartass! You’ve gotta play with Lily, or I’ll never finish that casserole in time!” She exclaims, leaving the both of them in the hallway and going straight into the kitchen. “Lily, honey, look who’s here!”

 

“Here we go.” Bucky mumbles under his breath, for Steve’s ears only, when the loud shriek of his niece eventually reaches them.

 

“Uncle Bucky! Uncle Steve! You’re here!” Lily runs into the hallway and goes directly towards Bucky’s open arms. “Do you like my dress?” She takes a step back, showing off her silver dress with a huge red ribbon on the back. It’s short sleeved and reaches up to her knees, plus she’s wearing red ribbons in her hair too.

 

“It’s beautiful!” Steve smiles, toeing off his shoes. Lily beams up at him and hugs him too, her small arms wrapping around his waist.

 

“Thank you! I picked it myself!” She says proudly and he goes to ruffle her hair. Lily shrieks again and runs back. “Not my hair, Uncle Steve! I did that myself too!” She smoothes it back down, despite the fact that he didn’t actually touched it.

 

“Sorry, sorry. It looks amazing.” Steve says quickly, his cheeks painted a little pink.

 

She assesses them slowly, then smiles. “You both look good too. I’m sure you did your best.” She says, a coy smile playing upon her lips.

 

“Lily!” Bucky puts his hand against his chest, pretending to be offended.

 

“Yes, Uncle Bucky?”

 

“C’mere!” He goes to grab her but she squeals loudly, and runs off towards the living room.

 

“Daddy! Uncle Bucky wanted to tickle me!”

 

“You’re on her blacklist now.” The blonde mutters under his breath, as they go into the living room with the rest of the family. Bucky snorts and bumps their shoulders together.

 

“Ahh, and there goes our great evening.” He chuckles.

 

“Our?” Steve smirks playfully, then goes to sit next to Lily.

 

“Traitor!” Bucky laughs as he comes near the couch. “Mom,” he kisses Winifred on the cheek, then turns to George. “Dad, hi.”

 

“Oh, Jamie! It’s so good to see you, it’s been ages! How come I almost never see you nowadays? You keep forgetting about your folks, doesn’t he, George?” Winifred pats Bucky on his arm, then turns to Steve, who’s sitting with Lily on his knees. “How are you, Steve? Everything good? How’s your health? Oh, and that job of yours, I never know what you do. Isn’t that right, George? Whenever I talk to my friends I always get confused, and God knows I wanna tell them! Oh, but why is everyone so quiet? It’s New Year’s we should be celebrating! We finally have Jamie back with us!” She turns back to her eldest, squeezing his knee gently. “How are you, boy, tell me!”

 

“Give him a chance, Winnie.” George mutters and Bucky has to bite down hard on his lip to keep himself from laughing.

 

“Thanks, Dad.” He nods his head, smiling. Winnifred huffs, but otherwise stays silent, motioning for him to start talking. “I’m good, real good actually. The arm’s great, and Stark said somethin’ about wantin’ me to work for him.”

 

“Oh, Jamie! Don’t you like working at the garage? Do they treat you right? Don’t tell me they’re using you to do the hardest work.” She furrows her eyebrows, and then a pained expression crosses her face. “They don’t treat you differently because of your disabilities, do they? James Barnes, so help me God, if they look down on you—”

 

“Mom, God, no!” He exclaims quickly, as Winnifred has already raised her finger, and that always means she’s getting riled up. He grabs her hand and squeezes it assuringly. “‘S all good, swear. Workin’ with Stark would just be more excitin’, ‘s all. You know what he can do.” He flexes his prosthetic to highlight his point and that seems to reassure her, although her face still shows signs of slight worry.

 

“Well, if you say so. I trust you know what’s best for you, Jamie.” She smiles, leaning back, then looks over to Steve. “Now, Steven, what was it that you do, you said?”

 

“He didn’t.” George mumbles, and this time Bucky snorts out loud. He quickly covers his mouth with his hand and pretends he’s coughing, but he’s not fooling anyone. Winifred glares at her husband, but George only shrugs, and looks at Steve, who’s looking between the pair with an arched eyebrow.

 

“I… uhh, graphic design. I mean, that’s what I majored in. I don’t have that many commissions though, so I’m also a part-time barista.” He explains, shrugging and scratching at the back of his neck.

 

“Graphic design?” Winifred asks, leaning on her husband. “Well, that sounds interesting!”

 

“It is. I mostly do editorial design but it’s great and I think I’ll keep going further into that.”

 

“Oh, I’m sure you’re great! You were always so talented, I’d love to see some of your works.”

 

“I, uhh, thanks.” He mumbles, his cheeks flushed. Bucky bites his lower lip. Steve never knows how to take a compliment.

 

“So, what’s up with you, Mom?” Bucky says, taking the focus off of his boyfriend, which earns him a small smile in return. He winks at Steve, putting his feet up on the coffee table and leaning back so as to look at both his parents.

 

“Same old, same old. You know how it is, Jamie… people our age don’t do that much stuff anymore, do we, George?” Winifred sighs, looking at her husband.

 

“You’re not that old, Mom.” Bucky shakes his head, a smile on his lips.

 

Winnifred chuckles softly. “That old?” She cocks her eyebrow, and Steve remembers where Bucky had gotten that habit from.

 

“Well, y’know what I mean, you’ve got two grown up kids and a granddaughter, and—” The brunette backtracks, but his Mother just begins to laugh.

 

“I know, I know.” She pats him on the knee. “Aunt Ida decided to move back to Indiana. She said Newark isn’t the same without Doug. Let’s see, what else… Oh, you remember Ms. Lamont? The one that lived across the street?” Bucky nods, so she continues. “Her daughter, Lina, got married! She sent us some pictures, what a lovely couple! Her husband, Don, was in the military too, and now they’ve moved to DC. Oh, and how could I forget, that primary school friend of yours, what was their name?”

 

“Erik.”

 

“That’s right! I talked to his mother recently, you know how we were such good friends. So, she told me that he’s found a guy to marry too! Isn’t that great?

 

“Guess I should give him a call, then.” He smiles, then stands up.

 

“You should! Everyone’s getting married, I—”

 

“I’ll go help Becca.” Bucky says quickly and then flees the room, leaving Winifred mid-sentence, blinking from surprise.

 

▪️

 

They’re sitting in the living room again after eating dinner. Mr. and Mrs. Barnes are seated on the couch, George drinking whiskey on ice out of a glass, Winifred leaning against her husband. Becca’s sitting next to them with Lily snoring softly, on her knees; William’s on the couch arm, his arm wrapped around his wife. Steve and Bucky took the armchair, the brunette sitting on the arm, his hand running through Steve’s hair. They’re watching the New Year’s Eve party in Times Square all  in silence, focusing on the sound from the TV. There’s still over half an hour left until midnight, so they let Lily get her rest before the fireworks start.

 

“Wanna go outside?” Bucky murmurs in Steve’s good ear,  nodding his head towards the backyard door. The blonde smiles and stands up, taking his glass of ginger ale and going towards the glass doors. “Lemme just grab my jacket. You want yours?”

 

“I’m good.” Steve pushes the doors open and goes outside. He rests his forearms on the wooden rail of the porch, and looks up. The night sky is full of stars and they shine brightly even through the city glow. He sighs, enjoying the silence and stillness of it all.

 

It’s been a crazy night, to say the least. Lily’s been jumping all over the place, happy to have her family together, and of course to have Bucky back. It’s the first New Year’s Eve with him being back and everyone felt the difference. Even George, at some point, had to blink back tears after looking at his son, safe and sound, cuddling with Steve on the couch.

 

“Whatcha lookin’ at?” Bucky nudges Steve’s shoulder as he leans on the rail too.

 

“Just the stars, y’know.” The blonde shrugs, nodding his head up towards the night sky. It’s so bright it looks almost navy, with the crescent moon hanging high.

 

They stand like that in silence, engrossed by the view, for quite a while.  

 

“I could stay like this forever.” Steve whispers, not wanting to ruin the mood. The first lone fireworks start lighting up the sky and he feels Bucky flinch beside him every time. He gently squeezes the brunette’s hand, then runs his through his hair.

 

“Forever’s a long ass time, Stevie.” Bucky chuckles, looking down at his boyfriend. “Be careful what ya wish for.”

 

The blonde pays him no mind though, his eyes fixated on the view above them. “I’m serious, Buck, it’s beautiful out here.”

 

“Sure is.” He says affectionately, taking in Steve’s appearance.

 

His hair’s messy from running his hand through it and his eyes are lit up with the night’s shine. His chin is up, highlighting his strong jaw and the cut of his cheekbones, now painted pink from the cold air outside. The collar of his shirt is open and the suspenders are almost sliding down his shoulders.

 

“Did you mean it?”

 

“What?” Steve furrows his eyebrows, casting a quick glance at Bucky, then turning back to the sky once more.

 

Barnes sighs affectionately, still staring down at his boyfriend. “Y’know, about that whole ‘forever’ thing.” The brunette mumbles, scratching his neck slightly.

 

“Yeah.” A soft smile spreads across his face. “Yeah, Buck.”

 

“Then why don’t we?”

 

“Why don’t we what?”

 

“Spend forever. Y’know, together.”

 

“Sure.” He shrugs.

 

“Steve.” Bucky’s voice is a bit high-pitched, the name coming out almost as a whine.

 

“What? You know I want that.”

 

“For the love of God, Steve-” Bucky starts, but is quickly interrupted.

 

Steve sighs, not wanting to look away from the stars just yet. “Wha — Holy fuck!” The blonde chokes out, as he finally turns to look at Bucky. At first, he’d looked straight ahead with no luck… but, when he heard the guy clearing his throat a little lower down on the porch… well. His breath leaves him all at once when he finds the brunette down on one knee, a small, black box held tightly inside of his palm. “Wh — what… umm, Bucky? Wha — Are? You?”

 

Bucky chuckles, running his prosthetic through his hair. “Yeah. I… Steve.” He licks his lips, not knowing what to say. “Stevie. I love you. Always have. You’re so… I can’t even… Oh, God.” He laughs nervously, then sighs, shaking his head. “What I’m desperately trying to say is, uhh —” He clears his throat, his palm getting sweaty. “Steven Grant Rogers. Will you do me the honor and… and spend forever with me? Will you — will you marry me?”

 

“Buck…” Steve breathes, as his knees give up and he falls down into the brunette’s arms. “Oh my God.” He mumbles into Bucky’s shoulder, feeling tears in his eyes.

 

“I’m kinda waitin’ for an answer here, jerk.” Bucky chuckles, though his voice still sounds nervous. He closes his arms around his small frame, and rubs circles against Steve’s back.  

 

“God, Buck, yes. Yes! Of course I’ll marry you, what d’ya think? Oh God.” He exclaims choked up, then pulls back enough to press a kiss onto Bucky’s mouth.

 

“Got me scared there for a while.” The brunette murmurs after they part, still holding Steve in his arms. “Stand up, gotta put that ring on ya.” He winks, grinning from ear to ear.

 

Steve rolls his eyes, but stands up and lets Bucky slide the ring onto his finger. It’s dark gold, with a black matte line shaped like a heartbeat.

 

“Stark made it. To go with the arm, y’know.” He shrugs one shoulder, looking down, suddenly not so sure of his choice.

 

“I love it.” Steve touches the band, his finger tracing the thin line. “Is that…?”

 

“Yeah... “ He nods slightly, biting down on his lip to keep an even bigger grin from spreading all over his face.

 

Steve gasps softly. “Buck, I—”

 

“Shut up,” The brunette interrupts, taking Steve by his suspenders and tugging him forwards, into an almost breathless kiss.

 

They stay like that, their hands roaming all over their bodies, until a loud firework makes Bucky jump. His breath hitches in his throat and he tenses, his shoulders going up to his neck.

 

“I’m sorry, I —“ their foreheads are still touching, eyes closed, and lips barely even part.

 

“‘S alright, you’re good Buck, it’s fine.” Steve says calmly, catching his breath too. His right hand is at the nape of the other man’s neck, the other one rubbing circles  on shoulder. “Let’s go inside, yeah? Share the news.” He grins, resting his forehead against Bucky’s clavicle.

 

“Yeah… Yeah, alright.” The brunette slings his right arm around Steve and leads him towards the glass doors.

 

The blonde stops for a moment, just outside of the doors. “Hey, Buck?” Steve says, looking up at his fiance. “I love you too, y’know.” He says quietly, his baby blues expressing everything that he’s feeling and more.

 

“I know, Stevie.” Barnes lets out a quiet laugh, then plants a quick kiss atop of the blonde’s rosy cheek. “I’ve got you now. I won’t let you give up on us again.” He murmurs beside Steve’s good ear, causing a shiver to travel down his spine.

 

“I won’t.” He says determined, resting their foreheads together again, his hand at the back of Bucky’s neck. “‘Cause… I’m with you ‘till the end of the line, Buck.”

 

▪️

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read, commented and left kudos on this fic. Me and Yasha are proud of this — our first fic we have written together.
> 
> This is the last chapter... minus maybe a little bonus chapter that may come your way in the future!
> 
> We hope you’ve enjoyed the story.
> 
> Bye, for now.
> 
> \- Sam & Yasha. X


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